Every year as February 14 nears, my phone starts ringing off the hook with clients suffering from what many call, "The Valentine's Effect."
Indeed, instead of serving chocolate, they'll be serving papers--for divorce.
Just this week, one of my clients decided to have her husband served papers and a motion to be removed from the family residence on February 14, a legal version of an acid-tipped arrow straight through her husband's heart. "Happy Valentine's Day, Dear."
More than any other family-oriented holiday such as Thanksgiving and Christmas, Valentine's Day hits many unhappy spouses like a ton of bricks, triggering thoughts of divorce rather than roses or lingerie.
Is it any wonder after watching all those TV commercials of men professing their undying love to women while presenting them with dazzling diamond rings as the music swells to a crescendo? Often unhappy spouses experience a visceral reaction to these images. They ask themselves, "Why don't I feel that way?," "What happened to those feelings?" and "Where is my soundtrack?"
People who are able to ignore the disastrous state of their marriage on a day-to-day basis, see it in the stark pink light of Valentine's Day. Seeing other people happy and in love makes them feel miserable and ready to act out. Valentine's Day often brings the realization that they just can't do it any more, the birds have stopped singing, the honeymoon really is over.
Universally regarded as the most romantic day of the year, Valentine's Day causes a lot of us to take stock of our own lives and relationships -- comparing them to the commercial visions of love bombarding us everywhere. For people in an unhappy marriage, Valentine's Day produces the same types of emotions they experience during other milestones moments (think birthdays, weddings, Bar Mitzvahs). When these people cry at a wedding they are not crying out of happiness for the bride and groom, they are crying over the loss of their wedding-day hopes, replaced by the reality of their marriages.
As a side note, many a cheating spouse is exposed on Valentine's Day when a suspicious wife uncovers a receipt from Victoria Secret for something she never received or the florist delivers the mistress' flowers to the wife or vice versa.
Many clients reveal to me that the profound emptiness, sadness and anger they've felt at Valentine's Day was the proverbial "last straw" that gave them the strength to begin exploring divorce. Others use Valentine's Day as a weapon to express their anger and make a soon-to-be ex feel as lonely and unloved as possible.
Most relationships end because of breakdown in communications about feelings and needs. Couples allow things to fester, hold things in and avoid sharing both positive and negative emotions. The deep symbolism and pressure of Valentine's Day often proves to be the breaking point, bottled up emotions explode with sometimes unforeseen consequences.
Take the case of a client embroiled in a particularly bitter divorce. As a Valentine's gift for his ex, he allegedly decided to drive-by her home and lob a giant salt shaker through her front plate glass window. More powerful than words, he wanted this attack to say "Why don't you just pour salt in the wound!"
Although clients may get a momentary "feel good" from this kind of impulsive action, as the voice of reason we counsel them that something they do for spite alone can have negative repercussions during negotiations or a trial. Divorce is the least logical moment in many people's lives and it will be scrutinized by the unyielding logic of a judge. It is our job to step in and provide them perspective before they make these mistakes.
Ironically, I find that people who initiate their divorces around Valentine's Day are true romantics. They haven't given up on love, they just want to be free to find it with someone else.
On the flip side, Valentine's Day inspires many marriage proposals, which are quickly followed up by calls to my office for pre-nuptial agreements. The good news here is that a thoughtful and well-drafted prenuptial agreement can help a couple enter into their married life with honesty, openness and mutual respect -- all ingredients that can help them avoid The Valentine's Effect and an acrimonious divorce farther down the road.
Lisa Helfend Meyer is a Certified Family Law Specialist and the founding member of Meyer, Olson, Lowy & Meyers, LLP. Meyer specializes in high asset divorce, high-conflict custody disputes; same sex relationships; property characterization, valuation and division; and prenuptial and post-nuptial agreements. Her Los Angeles-based firm's clientele includes prominent members of the entertainment industry, sports figures, corporate CEOs and businesspeople as well as non-professionals.
more billable hours! And, the chance to cross-sell them on a divorce in three years.
Self-centered people are NOT romantics: true love and understanding are about give and take. It seems that so many Americans just want to take, not give.
It also seems to me that Americans squander their youth, and with it the hopes of a dashing, good-looking partner, in a series of meaningless hookups and shack-ups, done in the name of 'self-actualization' or experimentation. The idea of opportunity being fleeting in a land where image makers and ad people tout limitless opportunity is foreign to most Americans. Americans take the orange, throw away the fruit, then eat the peel and complain about its taste and texture.
And you seem about as shallow as one can get. "Americans squander their youth, and with it the hopes of a dashing, good-looking partner." Are you kidding me? These "good-looking" people will always be there. You are apparently one of those diluted individuals who think that marriage guarantees something - it doesn't. As much as you would like to lock up any "good-looking partner" you think you found, with a marriage proposal, she will always walk away from someone like you when she eventually gets wiser, not older. This "good-looking partner" that you think you found will leave you later in life if she is not the right one. Further, from my experience the "good-looking partners" are the older women, not some immature, unsophisticated gum chewing child. The only men who find 20 year olds "good-looking" are those who are also 20 years old (you apparently.)
Because that's where everyone walks their dog.
I think Valentine's Day is just a day for florists, jewelers, and chocolatiers, to make money.
"As a side note, many a cheating spouse is exposed on Valentine's Day when a suspicious wife uncovers a receipt from Victoria Secret for something she never received or the florist delivers the mistress' flowers to the wife or vice versa."
--Ahhh, OK. So men are the only ones that cheat. Gotcha.
Somehow you forgot to tell a couple of my ex-girlfriends that.
Although, I must say, I really enjoyed discovering the recipe for Ancho Chili-Cinnamon Chocolate Bark!
...just a thought
The pursuit of happiness has become a multi billion industry, including therapists on the high street and TV. Why are you not happy? Something must be wrong, but if you buy this book, pill, perfume, new car, you will find happiness. Really?
The pursuit of happiness is the road to misery, because happiness is NOT a normal state of mind. Seek something more realistic like periodic contentment. Think of happiness as a twenty dollar bill you find on the street. Unexpected, joyous, but fleeting. Lower your expectations, on everything, especially your body.
Even a marriage ceremony is a tribute to false expectations. How about some realism?
You don’t know if you’ll love her next year let alone on your death bed. He might meet someone and leave you, look at the statistics. And none of these outcomes is a failure. The failure is a ridiculous ceremony of two people bonding for life. I don’t even think couples should live together, gimme some space!
If you feel obliged to buy, or expect flowers and chocolates this day, you’re already living their lie. Stop living inside some corporation’s commercial of what you SHOULD be, and learn to live outside the lies.
Besides, most people these days have mistaken gratification for happiness, NOT the same thing.
It’s not cynicism, it’s realism OK? But if you think me miserable, I’m content with that.