An Open Letter to Sarah Palin, from God

Dear Sarah,

I was enjoying my usual decaf extra-foam double latte this morning when a quote in the New York Times caught my eye. It was deep down in a story about you and motherhood.

After months of reflection and prayer, friends say, the Palins, who are Christians, had come to believe God had sent them Trig.

Later that day, Ms. Palin sent an e-mail message to her relatives and close friends about her new son, Ms. Bruce said. She signed it, "Trig's Creator, Your Heavenly Father."

Listen, Sarah, honey. Did I complain when you claimed the war in Iraq was "God's plan," even though I knew all along -- thanks to my omniscient all-knowingness! -- that there were no weapons of mass destruction there?

Did I send down thunderbolts on your head when you announced in church that I supported building a gas pipe right through Alaska, my most beautiful state? You may think it was easy to create that gorgeous wilderness, sweetie, but it's a lot harder than it looks. Don't be fooled by that seven-days creation thing. I am all-powerful, after all! If it had been easy, I'd have done it in an afternoon, then gone out for sushi and chardonnay, like I normally do on Monday nights.

But this time, Sarah, you've gone too far. Writing an email and signing my name to it? Do you really think I'm looking for a ghostwriter? Look at what happened the last time around, when I thought I was dictating a simple, clear-cut plan for spiritual living, and instead those darn scribes screwed it all up, writing that self-contradicting mess called the Bible. I'm still trying to straighten all that out.

Story continues below

advertisement

Speaking of which, quit trying to straighten out the gays! Like we need more heterosexual guys wandering around the planet, knocking up 17-year-old girls. Oh, whoops. No offense!

Anyway, no more sending out emails in my name, okay? Didn't you stop to think that, if I had actually sent out that birth announcement, I would have gone to the trouble of using nice stationery? I'm God, after all! Not to be obnoxious, but I can afford it, okay?

Oh, and by the way. Yes, I did send Trig to you. Not on purpose, but because that was the number the celestial lottery turned up. So, yeah, you can claim that special bond between us if you'd like. Just like that special bond you have with the clerk at the 7-11 when your scratch card turns up a win.

And listen, I've got one more bone to pick with you: "Trig"? Really? This is the name you choose for a gift from God? Suppose the New Testament had begun with Matthew, Mark, Luke and... Trig? Let us now turn to the book of Trig! Maybe we'll read something big! Like a parable about a pig! Come on, Sarah. Show some judgment here.

All right, that's it for now. But I'm sure this won't be the last time we're in touch before the election. I fully expect you'll be praying like crazy for help just before your debate with Joltin' Joe Biden on October 2. Just remember: God helps those who help themselves! Ha! That line cracks me up every time. If you're helping yourself, what do you need with me, anyway? And then I can play a couple more rounds of golf or go windsurfing, as I like to do on Thursdays.

Good luck, Sarah. Oh, and lay off the polar bears, okay?

Love,

God

Cc:

Jesus

Holy Ghost

Comments

[AbrahamSadegh]

I would like to ask John McCain and Sarah Palin if what is a the heart of "carrying the Cross," Christ"s blessing regarding peacekeepers being "called the children of God," and the Golden Rule of not doing to others what we would not want to be done to us do in essence apply to their decision making processes culminating in their words and deeds.

I am certain of answers in regard to the President but I am afraid that it might be worse with McCain and Palin - Out of the frying pan, into the Fire!

You know, the Native Americans have never had an Abraham, a Moses, a Jesus, a Muhammad, a Buddha, or a Krishna but their common sense, which is not very common, led them to the most sublime of commandments " "Ten Commandments" - more applicable to the welfare of humanity than any other Sacred Scriptures are truly worthy of repetition and full consideration:
1. The Earth is our Mother; care for Her
2. Honor all your relations.
3. Open your heart and soul to the Great Spirit.
4. All life is sacred; treat all beings with respect.
5. Take from the Earth what is needed and nothing more.
6. Do what needs to be done for the good of all.
7. Give constant thanks to the Great Spirit for each day.
8. Speak the truth but only for the good in others.
9. Follow the rhythms of Nature.
10. Enjoy life's journey; but leave no

[AbrahamSadegh]

The word "tracks" should be added to the 10th Commandment above.

There is also a second version of the Native American Ten Commandments which I could not include due to the number of the word limitations.

This version is as profound and magnificent as well:

1. Treat the earth an all that dwell theron with respect
2. Remain close to the Great Spirit
3. Show great respect for your fellow beings
4. Work together for the benefit of all humankind
5. Give assistance and kindness wherever needed
6. Do what you know to be right
7. Look after the well-being of mind and body
8. Dedicate a share of your efforts to the greater good
9. Be truthful and honest at all times
10. Take full responsibility for your actions

[Draculich]

there should be a "d" at the end of the "an" in commandment #1

[1will]

God's probaly more worried about the Dems and their baby killing platform, oops....I mean Pro Choice, then Palin and the Polar Bears.

[Lemeritus]

Wow! Ya' think? Don't you think God might be troubled by the thoughtless way people bring unwanted children into a world where the god-fearing Republicans support automatic rifles, the death penalty, and gut every program that might protect and nourish that child? Don't you think God struggles to understand how so many people can be so hung up on a sperm penetrating an egg but show not the least concern with broken veterans living under bridges (support the troops) or families losing their homes (no government bail-outs)?

I think you've got a funny idea of God. In fact, I think you've got God mixed up with James Dobson -- maybe you ought to do something about that.

[1will]

Nope. I think he'd be more worried, and pissed off, about killing innocents. I doubt he'd be very happy with the group that celebrates abortion as if it's something to be proud of.
Assault Weapons, homeless vets, etc have nothing to do with abortion. It seems as if you are trying to say that since our society isn't perfect then you get a pass for killing the innocent. You have a funny idea of God, society and logic.

[luutzu]

Ey, I'm the real God here...
And i did not talk to Sarah Palin - moose hunter, ice warrior princess.

[BAVirago]

Dear God: I know you work in mysterious ways, but this one takes the cake.

I hear that, like Heart, you sent a cease-and-desist letter to the Palin/McCain campaign to try to stop them from using your work, but that, just like with Heart, they laughed and used your letter to wipe their asses. So, uh, don't you have something a little stronger than the written word? Say, a smiting?

Anyway, I'm sorry Palin maligned your son, the community organizer. Please forgive her for that. Many of us are grateful for the work of community organizers. And please forgive her for sneering at the poor. Maybe her right hand doesn't know what her left hand is doing when her left hand signs those line-item vetos cutting funding for at-risk teen mothers or raising taxes for the citizens of one of the poorest states in the US. Maybe she needs one of your fine lessons, a lesson say, in a size Job?

Your friend,
B.A. Virago

[rcwblessed]

Thanks, GOD! I just knew you knew in my heart that You're a Democrat. It just makes sense =)

Love You!

[ThinkCreeps]

Time for a bit of good ol'-testament smiting, eh God?

Enough `Blessed are the hypocrites for they know no shame',

[BluegrassLatina]

Thanks God! Love ya!

[Dynamohum]

Thanks so much for the comedy relief. I think the air has been thick with confusion, anger, bewilderment, fear, paranoia and many more words that are too numerous to list. But comedy has been sparse for democrats recently. THANKS Nothing like a good gut laugh.

[strength]

lmao! that was great!

[samp426]

God:
Phew! It's about time you showed up. We were starting to wonder if we had pissed you off to the "Sodom and Gomorrah" point, what, with all the lies, and spin, and nastiness, and latent racism, profiteering, and using your name to make war, and look down on people all year and then get religion on Christmas, you know, life in this fast lane you've so wisely bestowed upon us.
Anyway, I can feel your wrath RE: Sarah. She's quite the card, isn't she? Knockin' Community Activists, you know, like your boy Jesus, and his friends, John, Matthew, Paul: what a bunch of do-nothings (Sarah made it plain to us where they fit in, the lazies!).
So, I feel ya, God, especially with that Iraq thing! Man, did she get that wrong, huh? Like you would actually be a knowing part of anything that would destroy and displace millions of innocent women, children, families...
God, can you do us a big favor? Can you possibly send Gabriel down to smite the hypocrites and the wanton liars and the likes of folks like Krazy Karl and that cut-up Steve, the off-his-rocker Rev James D and hat nutty Rush and his dittohead army? Or at least make them a little less righteous and arrogant?
Believe me, we'd be okay with it...