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Super Bowl Activities for Sports Haters

02/01/2015 07:25 pm ET | Updated Apr 03, 2015
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I realize that I could be deported for saying this but I can't hold back any more. I hate sports. I find sports so boring that I once brought a stack of magazines with me to the World Series. My husband at the time was, and probably still is, a big baseball fan. So, since the Series was being played in our hometown, he got tickets for TWO GAMES for us and some family and friends. I went to the first game, with magazines, and sold my ticket to the other game. Needless to say, I never watch the Super Bowl. Since most people here in the USA do watch the big game, I have made a list of fun things to do for those of us who are not interested in the inflation status of Brady's balls.

Shopping: Depending on where you live, the mall may be closed by kick-off time. Don't let that stop you. You still have the meaningless, rambly sports shows that start like 23 hours before kick off. People will be home watching those while they pre-beer for the game. Also, big-box places like Walmart and Target will be open late. Get out there and enjoy the fact that you will be able to cartwheel your way from the snack section to the electronics department, in your pajamas, without ending up on YouTube.

Eating Out: As long as you avoid wing places and all of the girls-in-tiny-shorts-and-half-shirt places, so I guess just wing places, you should be able to get a table ANYWHERE. Go over to that swanky place in town that is always booked. Heck, you could probably get a table at Cinderella's Castle in Disney World. Enjoy some unfried food without hot sauce.

Revenge Texting: You know those friends who ALWAYS text you at night when you are trying to watch your shows? Text those people NOW. Call them if they don't answer texts. When they answer, with sports commentary and cheering blaring in the background, ask them, "Whatcha doin?" Call them back when they hang up on you. Keep texting and calling. DOOOO ITTT!!

Power Walking: If you live somewhere that is not a frozen hellhole (I'm looking at you, Midwest and Northeast), go for a walk. NO ONE will be outside. You won't have any awkward impromptu chats about the weather or run into that new neighbor who walks his cat on a sparkly harness. Just you, Mother Nature, and obscenities shouted from houses where people are cheering for the losing team. Peace and quiet.

Facebooking: You know your football-watching friends will still be on Facebook during the game. How else are they going to talk smack about Ballgate with a bazillion other sports fans? Here is your chance to mess with them. Post things like, "Did number 14 really just rip his pants THERE?" It will drive them nuts (pun intended) to think they missed whatever the heck number 14 did, assuming there is a number 14. The DVR people will rewind the game and look for number 14's crotch.

Assuming I'm not the only football-hating American, some of you out there should enjoy these activities. Feel free to pass it on to other weirdoes like me. There's got to be other things to do on Super Bowl afternoon and evening. What else should we add to the list? Does anyone else have any good ideas? Post them in the comments. I would love to hear from you.

Lisa R. Petty is a former stand-up comedian who decided she would rather just write funny stuff than deal with drunk people touching her after shows. When she is not cracking inappropriate jokes, Lisa is an online English professor. You can read more of her snarkasm on Petty Thoughts. If you like humor and cat pictures, you can follow Lisa on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest.