Big News? Women Over 50 Less Likely to Remarry

Duh.

Okay, perhaps the New York Times article that graced the front page of the Style section recently deserves a little more parsing than that.

But really. Like that other scary statistic that turned out to be wrong -- remember the one about women over forty being as likely to get hit by a terrorist's bomb as to marry? That one had women running like banshees to get hitched to anyone they could or contemplating that perhaps marrying out of terror was pretty much the same as getting killed by a terrorist -- I suspect this one will somehow be debunked in some way, too. Or perhaps not, as it hasn't gotten nearly the play as the last scare tactic.

According to the Times, "the 'remarriage gap' for women is far wider than it is for men ... the biggest gap of any age group."

That may well be because men have a tendency to marry down, both in age and intelligence, while women marry up. Or it could be due to the simple fact that when a woman divorces in middle age, the very last thing she wants to do is get married again.

Of course that theory is never explored.

Instead, the Times interviews a very sincere woman minister (who is appropriately photographed with her hands folded as if in prayer) who spends much of her time cooking splendid meals for herself and calling her daughter to tell her about them. She tried the usual Internet dating sites and has had only middling success; she is apparently too tall, too serious, and not willing to lie about her age.

In other words, she sounds like a normal, healthy, middle aged woman; she's not willing to play games just to get a date.

I divorced the first time at 49 and had a pretty good time dating. That might have been because I got in under the wire of the dreaded Five O. I'll never know. But then, two-and-a-half years ago, I met a man with whom I fell in love. Rather than just going with that wonderful feeling, however, I accepted his proposal.

Looking out the rear window of being separated yet again and heading for my second divorce, I know full well I should have stuck with the relationship as love affair. I won't go into my reasons for marrying, except to say that all things considered it seemed like a good idea at the time. But what I found out is that I don't much like the married state any more than I did the first time. And I suspect that now I am not very good at it.

The first time I was not yet thirty and wanted children. I married and had them and tried my best to make the relationship work. It ultimately didn't. The second time I don't think I realized how much I need my own space and a certain amount of quiet and privacy every day. As much as I might love a man, I really really do not want him around 24-7. I don't want to sleep beside a man who snores. I do not want to cook dinner every night. I do not want conversation when I want to read. I want nights out with girlfriends without explanation, I want alone time with my daughter in the house. I want to eat apples and peanut butter and watch HGTV.

I also, of course, would very much like a lover. A man in my bed. Sometimes. Someone to see a flick and catch a meal with. Someone to travel with. And definitely someone to rub my feet while we watch television.

But I don't think at this point in my life that means marriage. And I know a large amount of single and married women in their fifties who feel the same way. They decry the lack of alone time, the bed wars, and the daily dinners. They are tired of not being able to just drop down on the couch after a long day and flip the remote themselves. They are very tired of not being appreciated for all they do by the men who promised -- some long time ago -- to do just that.

I married my lover and for a hundred reasons, some of which had to do with being married and many which did not, it all went to hell. It might well have gone to hell anyway -- in fact I feel that it would have -- but getting out of a marriage is a whole lot harder than getting out of a relationship. The pain and the guilt are worse, too.

When I divorced my first husband I said I would never marry again. But I did. Now both my lawyer and my therapist have made me promise to call them if I get a cockamamie idea like that again -- at least in the next five years.

On the other hand, I don't think I have to worry: According to research, I am now into my fifties and part of the statistical norm. It's unlikely to happen which takes a load off my mind.

Follow Lisa Solod Warren on Twitter: www.twitter.com/lisaswarren

Comments

[Lisa Solod Warren - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks so much for your comments!! Please pass the story along. The dialogue needs to continue. And see my latest post
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-solod-warren/who-is-kidding-whom-the-s_b_330060.html

[PatA]

Two things to remember...
1. I will not carry some man's fiber around in my purse.
2. I'd like a man in my life, just not in my house.

[Chrisanne]

I think the bottom line is that women are more independent than men, and not only highly capable of functioning on their own, but happy doing it. Men are needy--many of them rush into remarriage after a divorce, usually to a too-young woman. But they are used to be "looked after." Women, on the other hand, get tired of playing that role. Been there, done that.

Evidence suggests that women become more expansive thinkers as they age, more curious, more gregarious, more enthusiastic about socializing. Men become less social, more set in their ways and ideas. Lawyers are reporting a large increase in divorces between couples who have been married for thirty and forty years, and the majority are initiated by the wife.

There is no shame in ending an unhappy marriage. But it's good to remember that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

[Mrspleats]

Sometimes we need to take a look in the mirror and examine ourselves and see what masks we are hiding behind. Based on this article it seems that you are unable to communicate with your partner. Marriages do not mean obligations to cook and clean and we always have the option of sleeping in the next room when a partner snores. I would like to talk to the partners and I am sure their sides opf this story would be different. Many women including me are and have been remarried past 50 years and have loving beatiful relationships. Many women fall in love with men's potentials and do not understand themselves. Women must learn to be in love with them selves before they can be with a man. When we learn to accept another just as he or she is then love is better, I do not report to my husband date night with my girlfriends.I do not neither am I expected to cook eevry nite my husband and I are friends and relate as I would to the other people in my life who I love withthe benefit of soulful sex and companionship so no pretenses.

Women check your motivation for remarriage if you are the same old way you will get the same old result.

To the women who are in loving relationships and those who want to be do not be afraid just be your authentic self and know that you are loving loveable and loved.

[charliemay]

"Women check your motivation for remarriage if you are the same old way you will get the same old result."

I couldn't have said it any better. Though this also applies equally to men over 50 who like to find
always the negative in a woman and never extol the positive. Remember guys this statistic: the suicide rate for single guys over the age of 50 is 8 times that of women.

[Catothemuchyounger]

At 50, II am happily married, and hope and expect to stay that way, but if anything ever happens to change that, I would want to avoid women who think like this. If you want other people in your life, you have to compromise. And you can't expect another person to be around whenever you want them around, and have them disappear whenever you don't want them around. They have needs and wants too.

[devadasi]

Most people may be cut out for marriage and some not, especially after a certain age....when it merely becomes bout companionshi, and not raising a family.. I find as a woman over 50, having a man around 24/7 would so grate on my nerves....my temperment is too artistic and highstrung, yet miracles can occur and if it did, it would have to be with someone who was equally indpendent, or someone so opposite from me who was not threatened by my 'ousider' character,,,,, but who embraced and appreciated the difference.

I would not prefer not to compromise.. Everything is a trade so either way you win/lose. Some people cannot bear to live by themselves­...they'll hang in in the most toxic relationships rather than be alone.....

for me living by my self is a luxury, as long as I am part of an open ended artistic or spiritual community, friends nearby I can depend on, livving healthy, bike riding, dancing, and evolving artistically .

[Sarijj]

Lisa, thank you ,thank you! This article could have been written by me. Our stories are so much a like, and here I thought I was alone with my feelings. I too think I am not very good at marriage after ending two. It is so nice to hear that other women feel the same as I do. Marriage in our society is the normal state of" being", so much so that many people view me as weird or possibly a closet lesbian because I do not date. I have been celibate for 5 years and though I do miss a man's touch now and again I find that I am much happier as a single woman.
Would I marry again? I do not know, if the right man came along maybe, but for now I am happy to the house, the TV, the bed and my computer all to myself.

[charliemay]

Huh, when did being single exclude being sexually active for women??

More then likely, some women really don't want to give anything to be in an intimate relationship. And same is true for some men.

As the phrase goes, "you get what you put into life. Don't put anything in, don't get anything out."

Then that the coronary comes at some time in our lives post-50 and you struggle, die alone.
No more guy snoring, no more preparing a dinner at home.

[Sarijj]

I am sure not ALL single women are celibate I just happen to chose this lifestyle because of my past behavior. Since most of us here have not posted our life stories I ask that you not judge based on your world view.
I have put a lot of time and effort into my past relationships in fact I stayed with my first husband a lot longer than I should have. He is a drunk who put booze before family. So, no it is not always true"you get what you put into life", if it were I would still be married with a great family life.

[Willow712]

I am 57, divorced and celibate for the last 7 years. I love living alone. The first time I divorced, I started right away looking for the next one. Well, I found him and he wasn't any better than the first one. At 57, and a nurse, I happen to think that any man my age or older is merely looking for the private nurse with benefits for his old age. It would be nice to have a man around that could rub my feet, but I guess it'd be a lot cheaper to schedule a massage. Probably a better deal too.

Why have a man around when I have a 96 pound dog that hogs the bed, passes gas and is willing to let me watch any TV program I want.

I'm a nurse 8 hours a day, I don't want to start 24 hour duty.

[tonybrown]

Couldn't agree more. I sincerely applaud your honest recognition that marriage isn't for you. I am a divorced man in my early fifties and I will never remarry. After years of hard work and sacrifice to keep a woman for whom nothing was good enough content, I am finally at peace. There are plenty of women around but I have yet to find one my age who has an inclining of what a real partnership - emotional, economic, physical and spiritual - even is. As you implied they all seem to just want someone to hang around with, provide some attention and sleep with them when they feel like it. They want what they want and that is all that matters. It is fine with me for a little while - but where anyone gets the idea that can be parlayed into a long term relationship, let alone a marriage, is a complete mystery. Maybe friendship and limited companionship is all some of us can endure.

[Lisa Solod Warren - Huffpost Blogger]

Now, now. I think I, and many other intelligent, thoughtful, honest women, know exactly what it takes to form a true partnership. And they have found that it involves their sacrificing themselves most of the time. Women almost never get what they want when they want it, and when they ask, they are 'needy" or "bitchy" or nagging. And who says you can't have a great partnership without giving up some measure of privacy and indepennce?

[Catothemuchyounger]

Nobody in the world gets what they want when they want it. That is how real life goes.

[Bendra]

This article should be shouted to the ends of the earth! I tell my husband all the time that I wouldn't do this again for ANYTHING. He still thinks that men are the end-all and be-all. My female friends are not happy, but they are even less happy with the men that they relate to on any level.

[Lisa Solod Warren - Huffpost Blogger]

Many many women feel this way I am learning!

[werbenjagermanjensen]

To an older man, a wife offers the advantages of regular sex, a clean house, home cooking, someone to pet him and nurse his ego and love him as he gets old. To an older woman, a husband offers...what are the advantages again?

[charliemay]

Oh I see, the "regular sex" is only for the benefit of the man and not the woman.

[ARTIST50]

Oh Lisa - I so agree with you. I was married for 30 years and thought after my divorce I had to date, which I did. Then I remarried and it only lasted a year. All of your reasons for it not working for you are mine, too. I love to read, he wanted to watch TV. I wanted to come home and watch my shows, he wanted to watch his. I just couldn't adjust to someone in my life. I'd love to have a friend again, but I will never marry, I'm afriad I've become far to set in my ways. I've never been happier.