THE BLOG

Back Off My Yoga Pants!

02/19/2015 03:05 pm ET | Updated Apr 21, 2015

We need to get a grip on this yoga pants mania.

First, we had some Christian blogger declaring she wasn't going to wear yoga pants anymore in public because they created "a stronger attraction for a man to look at a woman's body and may cause them to think lustful thoughts." (Well, sister, I'm not a man and I'm looking at your body and I might be thinking lustful thoughts. How's that make you feel? Yeah, I thought so. Go pack those puppies away!)

But, really, I lost interest in her quickly for two reasons: 1) she struck me as the kind of gal who would wear undies with her yoga pants (and we all know that's a sin) and 2) what do I care if some married blogger somewhere doesn't wear yoga pants? Not my loss. Not my concern.

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Sweet Jesus. Dude, stop messing with my hobby. In case you didn't notice, yoga pants might be the most wonderful thing invented in the past twenty years. The yoga pant alone has delighted more people than the iPhone and perhaps provided more joy than chocolate or your Aunt Edna. (It has, however, probably caused more car accidents and possibly some divorces. And babies. Many, many babies.)

Why are yoga pants so wonderful? Two simple reasons: yoga pants look fantastic and they feel AMAZING.

Seriously. I'm not sure that anyone who has not tried on yoga pants can really appreciate what I'm talking about. When I wear yoga pants, my ass feels so fantastic that I'm amazed I can speak or drive or even function at all. The same goes for when a woman walks by wearing yoga pants. And if there's a gym nearby? Warm up the paddles and yell "CLEAR!" because there might be heart attacks... by the onlookers.

Yoga pants wrap and support my posterior in such a way that I feel bad for my ancestors on that farm in Lithuania because those women never got to wear yoga pants. Imagine how much happier they would have been, even with that dirt floor in their house.

In this messed-up world where people get shot for looking different, and way too many people are without jobs or food or shelter, we're really going to worry about a piece of clothing that looks and feels fantastic? Balderdash!

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Before this gets any crazier, back off my yoga pants! And ladies, remember two things: 1) no one has to do yoga when they're wearing yoga pants (I've been CrossFitting in my yoga pants for seven years now), and 2) NO UNDIES! You look fantastic just as you are in those pants!

And excuse me while I go all Braveheart on you here: They may take our lives but they'll never take... OUR YOGA PANTS!