Divorce Is Forever

My friend Sandy and I had had yet another one of our philosophical discussions this weekend. She said, "I have a great title for your next blog: Marriage is Temporary, Divorce is Forever." Having been divorced myself I can understand her sentiments. Yes, divorce is forever. But now, truly happily married, I'm in the state where I once again feel that marriage is forever, too. Maybe there really is no delineation -- maybe it's that these relationships we get ourselves into go on and on, and it's just the definition of the relationship that changes. Whether married or divorced, there is this person in our lives that we love -- or loved -- and through whom we are tied with children, or finances, or history.

As celebrities give us this great illustration with which we can all better understand, let's explore this theory with a few examples. Bruce Willis and Demi Moore: married, seemingly happily, for enough years to produce three beautiful daughters. They divorce amicably, and no bad blood shows up in the press. She later marries Ashton Kutcher, and Bruce shows his support as the three attend many family occasions and holidays together. One big happy family! And when Bruce remarries, of course they're all there, too. Very civilized, very mature. So Bruce and Demi, although married to different people now, are still tied to each other through their children, and have managed to maintain a functional relationship.

Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt do not share any children, although they shared years of their lives together as husband and wife. Will the press ever let them forget that? I think not! Even as Brad welcomed his 5th and 6th child, twins, with his current partner, Angelina Jolie, tabloids speculated about an Aniston-Pitt reunion. What gives? These people have all clearly moved on, but why can't we? Is it because Brad and Angie have yet to tie the knot? They are clearly committed -- and they certainly are looking to the future as they raise these children together. I think it's because we want to see that Jennifer is okay. We want her to be happy, and in love, like Brad is. That way it seems more "fair." But life is not always fair. Life gives us lessons, and sometimes they're tough ones. We just have to trust that somehow, someway, through some power greater than our own, that it all balances out in the end. Karma? Destiny? Maybe that's it.

From Sandy's point of view, her marriage was temporary. She didn't plan for it to be that way. She went in with the best of intentions, until death do us part. But as it goes, things happen, people change, and plans go awry. So now she's divorced, which she considers to be permanent. This is the new definition of her relationship with her ex. Can she "wash that man right out of her hair?" No. They have kids together. They had a life together. And now all of that has to be shifted to fit this new paradigm. It can be painful, and certainly stressful. There are unfulfilled expectations. There is grief, fear, and uncertainty. And what can we do about it? Somehow we have to manage. We have to redefine the relationship in such a way that it makes sense to us, and that we are okay with it, taking the good with the bad, however we choose to see that. We have to let go of any anger or resentment because there comes a time when we realize that we are only hurting ourselves with it.

So yes, my first marriage is over. But am I over it? Probably not. I've still got these two kids as constant reminders of the years we shared in it. Those years don't disappear. They are a part of my memory, and my psyche. They helped to shape who I am today. But I still wouldn't change a thing about it. I know mistakes were made, but those mistakes helped both me and my ex to learn and to grow. I know we are both better off where we are today. I love my life, I love my husband, and I know that I wouldn't have what I have right now had the divorce not happened. So it's all good. And I am sure that my ex feels the same way.

Life is full of challenges and full of risks. Marriage is a big risk. Divorce is another. Both take a commitment. It's a commitment to living life to its fullest, to being true to yourself, to doing what you feel is best, and to honoring the wisdom that you have gained through your experiences.

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Comments

[larry278]

Divorce is forever if the court gives your ex an injunction to bar your ex from ever contacting you. After my divorce I made it a point to always keep my ex at least 10 feet from me when I visited our kids. When my ex tried to negotiate anything, I refused to negotiate unless my attorney was present. My ex got the point. Now that our kids are grown, I have no contact with my ex. Contested divorces often destroy marriages. I live quietly now that I'm divorced. I'm serene & contented. My ex was into being dramatic. I've grown into being a phlegmatic person who enjoys solitute greatly.
I'm grateful that divorce is forever. My girl friend shares my feeling.
I'm one of those people who can't endure living with another person. Marriage is not for congenitallly solo people. Comradeship & companionship are not worth the many annoyances of living with another person 24/7.

[KennyFox]

Okay, the word divorce is popping up in my daily life and Im so torn. I have two little children, both under 10, and want a divorce; should have never gotten married in the first place. Spouse is far from horrible, but the attraction is gone daddy gone and I dont make enough to support two homes at the moment. Im at a loss. It's so depressing! Spouse doesnt want a divorce, let alone a separation. But when you dont even sleep in the same bed...on vacation..­.it's time for a change. (kids end up sleeping with me or her.)

[mijumom]

Try reading The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis. I am in the midst of a divorce with two kids who are suffering both emotionally and financially. I wish I had read the book sooner.

[auntiegrav]

Part II, cont'd:
Marketing in our society has created a selfishly-oriented "what's in it for my pleasure" attitude about these three contracts, so that only the 'desire' contract is used to determine whether the marriage 'works' or not, and in that vein, it will always fail. We are natural animals and will eventually desire more varied offspring through whatever chemical soup that Mother Nature throws into our brains (exacerbated by Marketing, which wants to sell more weddings.)
Divorce is simply a declaration of bankruptcy, and it affects all three obligations. In the modern marriage, people get married thinking of only the natural desire, and only find out about the other 2 contracts when they get divorced. The trick is to do two things: establish something I call a "family license" instead of marriage which replaces the State's contract with something more akin to modern needs (including an expiration date/renewal option), and also to make every effort to inform pre-marrieds about all of the real life aspects of a marriage obligation and don't let anyone get married until they are at least 25, when their brain is developed enough to rent a car and make real commitments.

[auntiegrav]

Marriage is a contract in three worlds. It is a spiritual contract that signifies a natural desire between two people, based on the real, natural world, where the only right we have is the right to Try to live (this one is the least permanent) and procreate. It is also a social contract that signifies a promise to care for each other and the offspring of each other against outside forces. This is the most important part of the marriage. Thirdly, it is a political, formal contract between two people and the State (church is part of the State, regardless of particular statements about 'separation'). The latter is a quid-pro-quo agreement that the couple receives the benefits of statehood in exchange for something, usually the service of providing for a dependent of some kind which thus benefits the State (This concept is most obvious to those with handicapped children or those who have been married in a Catholic church).

[Naveda Abdool]

I enjoyed reading your words of wisdom Lissa! I’m 32 years old and never been married, so the only experience about marriage and divorce is from observing the people around me.
I truly believe everything happens for a reason, and we are put on this earth to learn. People come into our lives to teach us, to help us grow, some lessons are hard, and we suffer… A friend once said to me that bad things happen to us so we will know the difference when we experience the good. We always have two dualities … the Yin and Yang, Male and Female, Good and Bad, Single and Married, Married and Divorced.
Lissa, I learn a lot from reading your blogs, thank you for sharing your wisdom with me and others, and as Eleanor Roosevelt said “Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.”

[Lissa Coffey - Huffpost Blogger]

I think the word "dualities" is appropriate - they're not opposites, they are complementary. Thank you for that!

[Katmaine]

Marraige & Divorce are forever binding when children are involved. I've been divorced 24 years and at first it was very difficult. Even though it was for the best, it was much like a death except the person was still living. Although I hated this person, I realized that our child still had a father and his family. I always allowed their relationship to flourish even though we lived hundreds of miles away and child support was non existant. When our child became an adult, she figured out who was who and who was there for her. We have an amicable relationship though there are no feelings there. I also have married a divorced father, and we are friendly with his ex. Both my husband and I always put our kids first in considering any situation. So it makes for a best situation. Demi & Bruce have it right! Their kids will grow into well adjusted adults as ours has.

[Lissa Coffey - Huffpost Blogger]

I think marriage is sweeter the second time around. I am in my second marriage, and my husband had been divorced, too. We both learned from the experiences in our previous relationships, and we appreciate each other and the wisdom we've each gained. We've got his kids, and my kids, and they're all doing good because we're doing good. The parents' attitudes very much sets the example. Good job!

[mijumom]

So the first marriage is just practice?

Seeing my kids suffering from the dramatic changes both financially and emotionally really makes me question this mindset.

I am in the midst of a divorce. No one can say that this path is better or worse. If my husband and I both stepped up and honored our commitment to each other and our family, who knows what goodness could come from that? As this is not an option, I will make my life "better" without him.

If you believe you are making a better choice, you tend to prove yourself right. That does not mean that a second marriage is "sweeter," on the contrary, more second marriages end in divorce than first. Maybe there is more to marriage than how one "feels" at a given moment.

Glad you've found happiness regardless as we all deserve that.