Apparently I have been wearing the wrong underwear. According to the catalogue I just received in the mail, choosing an undergarment isn't about a preference for boy cut, bikini, or thong. Apparently picking panties would establish whether my mindset was juvenile or mature, as page 36 entices me with a product that will surely inspire me to "suck it up" and "handle the situation". The item for sale? A $12.00 sign which reads: PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND JUST DEAL WITH IT!
What I slip into before my clothes is obviously no longer a matter of comfort or allure. My briefs are obviously in need of alteration, and I've just been blind to the necessity until now. So what if my law practice is reeling from the real estate downturn? I'll just put on big girl panties. Is your income diminished so sometimes you skip buying groceries? You must also shimmy into big girl panties. Scores of women stressed beyond belief by working seven days a week to try and hold onto our businesses? Sisters, a pair of big girl panties is all any of us need!
I'm old enough to remember when a woman spotted with VPL (visible panty line) was taunted in ads for letting the world see that she did indeed wear panties, and Brooke Shields caused quite a sensation by hinting she might not be wearing any at all. Yet nowadays, panties can't be just what come between you and your Calvins -- big bloomers are peddled as all that women need to succeed.
What's that you say? The sign might be a metaphor for adopting a grown-up attitude towards problems, and the actual cut of my underwear won't make any difference in how I handle the situation? Does this revelation also mean all the other advisory phrases and suggestive slogans featured on placards, posters, tiles and T-shirts in the charming catalogue wouldn't be instructive principles guaranteeing my triumphs in business and in life? What a shame -- I was planning on successfully adopting each and every one of these game-changers:
LIFE IS TOO SHORT, BUY THE SHOES
PLAN B INCLUDES MARGARITA
PUT ON A LITTLE LIPSTICK; YOU'LL BE FINE
SOME DAYS, IT IS NOT EVEN WORTH CHEWING THROUGH THE RESTRAINTS
LOVE LIFE! AND IT WILL LOVE YOU BACK!
BREATHE -- IT'S YOUR ONLY OBLIGATION
THINK ABUNDANTLY -- ENERGY FOLLOWS INTENTION
THE TIME TO BE HAPPY IS NOW
Additionally on page 36 of the knick-knack catalogue, just above the big girl panty proclamation, there's a ceramic tile with a ribbon meant to hang on a wall, offered at $15.00. This advisory ornament should disturb men as much as the underwear exhortation vexes me as a woman: IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES IT'S GONNA GIVE YOU TROUBLE!