I have not stopped thinking about this amazing Wellesley High School graduation speech since I saw it yesterday, thanks to Jen Singer. In it, brilliant English teacher David McCullough cautions his students, "you are not special."
I admit when I first heard the line, I bristled a bit. Aren't those fightin' words for any doting parent? Who among us doesn't want our child to be special?
However if you watch the speech (it's worth your 12 minutes, I promise) it's clear there's a distinction between a child who is special to me, and a child who is special in all the world and thus, deserving of its myriad rewards.
In other words, entitled.
McCullough reminds us that that 37,000 high schools graduating in the country, means 37,000 valedictorians and 37,000 class presidents. He beautifully asserts that "if everyone gets a trophy, trophies become meaningless."And I think therein lies the lesson that many in my generation of parents is hoping to teach, in part to distance ourselves from the previous generation of overcoddling parents.
Or maybe it's not so much previous. Kristen just this week confessed to me that she pulled her kids out of their team awards dinner because even the suckiest teams were going to get something shiny; not the lesson she and her husband want to teach. She was the only parent in the league who evidently felt this way.
Slowly back away from the trophies, losers, You'll thank me later.
You already know the phenomenon is well-documented. From the parents of 9 year-olds who don't think the rules at summer camp apply to their children, to the mother who calls an employer on behalf of her adult son.
All of which of course leads to the new generation of adults who are "unaccustomed to being denied."
Not that every Millennial falls into this trap, of course. (And I'm trying so hard not to be the old farty lady who's like hey you kids, get off my lawn and go back to your sexting!) But I can tell you as a professional, I have seen some of the "special" kids coming out of college today. The kids who interview and make sure to tell you just what they will and will not do. (Oh, uh...okay. We'll get right on that for you.) Or the the summer interns who earn highly coveted positions then look so bored in the senior level meetings they're invited to, they practically fall asleep. In fact, I had an intern like this years ago. I was wildly impressed with his persistence; he called me every week for months until I offered him the internship.
Then, once he had it, he did nothing.
Nothing.
I spoke with him multiple times about his lack of work ethic, his bad attitude, the fact if he failed at one project it was his job to rip it up, get back to that computer and start over until he nails it, dammit. He never did. Mostly, he took really long lunches.
I nearly died when he emailed me months later to tell me how much he enjoyed the summer with us and to ask for a recommendation. I think in some twisted, warped, completely wackadoo way, in his mind, he deserved it. Simply because he was there. And being there was confirmation of his specialness. His entitlement.
So perhaps the most astute line in the entire commencement speech, the one that spoke to me the most was, "We've come to love accolades more than achievement."
How true it is.
Not that there's anything wrong with accolades, gob knows. It's a terrific feeling to know you've done something that someone else admires. But man, it has to be earned, doesn't it? So I truly want to make sure I'm raising kids who are proud of what they've done-and not simply what someone has said to them about what they've done.
What's really disconcerting is that it's not just kids proceeding like this. It's among us. In our culture. It's the entire reality TV celebrity culture (which I am guilty of supporting, big time.) And, yeah I'll say it -- it's in the blogger space. Think about the race to game the system for a higher klout score, rather than developing an authentically involved community. The buying of Twitter followers and fans, or alleged trading in backlinks to create a facade of popularity. Shamelessly plagiarizing blog posts, then basking in the bullshit glow of all the "wow, you are AWESOME for writing this!" comments beneath them.
Is this what we want for our own kids? Man, I hope not.
Which is why I don't think that that wonderful speech was just aimed at the graduating seniors. I think it was very much aimed at their parents.
And, probably, at us.
I want my kids to know I believe in them. I want them to know I'm proud of them when they do something to be proud of. And I want them to know I love them, every single moment of every day and without condition.
But maybe I need to make extra sure that they know while they're always special to me, (and argh, it's hard to say this) they are not special. Or as McCullough plainly put it,"Astrophysicists assure us the universe has no center. Therefore you cannot be it."
This post originally appeared on Mom-101.
Follow Liz Gumbinner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@mom101
Lazy parents let kids make their own meals, do what they wish on the internet, lazy parents fail to bother to give consistent discipline or structure to their children. That is what creates entitled kids...
When the parent DOES step in to fight the kids battles, it's because the parent is fighting for themselves and their OWN ego, not for what is best for the kid.
Yes there are a billion children out there who ARE SPECIAL but each one of those kids should have the self confidence and humility to know they ARE just one of a billion special kids
But yes, I completely agree.
The article isn't directly addressing what I'm talking about, but I sense the same snide attitude. Also, I can speak on behalf of what I encountered in school with my peers. None of us were ever praised! We were all suggested to join the military! Any lofty dreams we had were immediately deflated by rational adults living mediocre lifestyles and for some reason wanted to see us fulfill the same destinies.
Regardless.. disagree with the mentality.
It's all part of our well-established social-hierarchical system that festoons privilege, entitlement and resources unto the members of our society and their offspring who are willing and able to pay into the system without, in some cases, understanding the position of privilege from whence they came. GW Bush would be the reductio ad absurdum of this trope as his SQ ushered him from Doofusville (albeit the well-heeled version) all the way to the Presidency.
Speeches like Mr. McCullough's or even DF Wallace's "This Is Water" speech to the Kenyon charges really seem like their pleas to say, "Understand, in our society you all will have tremendous advantages over the plebeian competition so for the sake of what's decent please attempt to live with some reflection and humility on your way to Byzantium." Wallace attempts to convey this through empathy (not always a popular trait among the SSG), McCullough through self-realization rather than self-actualization.
I really enjoyed his speech.
The baby boomers were special; the world does revolve around them. The schools were well-funed and expanded when the boomers attended, and are cut when it's inconvenient for boomers to fund them, taxes were high when the boomer's parents were paying, and are reduced or "flattened" onto the younger poor when it's too costly for boomers to pay them, and everywhere you go laws are twisted and bent over backwards anytime that demographic snaps its fingers.
Meanwhile, jobs for the youth have long since dried up, the very notion of job security is laughable, despite older generations enjoying it their whole lives, and the minimum education you need to get non-existant jobs burdens you with more debt than boomers had to take on to get a mortgage.
Trust me, nobody younger than their mid-40s could possibly believe that they're special or that the world revolves around them. This patronizing hectoring, passive agressive whines by parents about "oh, I blame myself for how you're doing", and useless advice (So you're not special? So what? that doesn't fix the economy) is just more deflection of responsibility and holding onto power by the older generation. The greatest irony is that boomers DID acknowledge an inter-generational conflict, and more or less won because of that awareness.
I have three grown children and raised them during the heyday of permissiveness (1980's-90's) you refer to in your article. I was always the mean mom who didn't let them do and have everything the other kids did and had, even though we could afford it. And hallelujah, my three are well-adjusted, college educated, productive members of society today. It's even funny that my 19 year old, who is a junior in college, always comments on how self-absorbed and lazy her peers are. She gets it.
They railed against me in their youth but they do appreciate it now. I always made them feel special but at the same time, told them that they are just one of many and not more important than the next person - that everyone matters equally. I taught them the value of money and how to work hard to get what you want and that is what sets them apart from others -- their work ethic and accountability. They excel at their jobs because they work hard. When they fail, they try harder.
Thanks again for the great article. I thought I was the only one feeling like most of the younger generation was completely self-absorbed and unmotivated.
My mom used to say that kids don't need their parents to be their friends, they need them to be parents. They have plenty of friends who will help them to screw up. To be a child's best friend, a parent must be the grown up, and not try to be buddies. That will come later on, when they are adults. She also didn't promise things very often. But when she did, she always made it (whatever it was) happen. She also taught that actions have consequences. Some are good, some are bad. But that there are ALWAYS consequences to my actions.
I miss my mom. She was pretty smart, even if I didn't always think so.
As a mom, I am not perfect but I do take my job seriously. I was not there to be their friend. Now that they are adults, we are friends.
I could never understand why people raise children they don't like.....yet many people don't like their kids and can't wait for them to be gone. I'm the opposite. I love my kids and they are very busy so I almost have to make an appointment for dinner just to get to see them. That is sad for me but isn't that the way it's supposed to be? We raise them and then allow them to live their own life. At least that's how I believe it should be. The alternative would be 30 yr. old's living at home........not for me :)
Yes, keeping promises is a very important thing. It teaches your children that you are reliable and they can count on you. It makes them more accountable as adults to themselves and others also.
I'm sorry your mom is not around. My mom is getting older and the thought of her being gone forever is hard to comprehend.
Garrison Keillor