BlogHer 2006: Mommyblogger Sex Radicals

"Me. You. Me." Jenny said. "That's my sex policy."

There was a two second pause around the poolside table as we stared at the slightly tipsy, trash-talking Jenny Lauck of Three Kid Circus and Mommybloggers.com. Then we all burst out laughing. Jen from mommyneedscoffee.com/ said, "Yeah! Me too!" Everyone chimed in: "Oh, but I'm more like, 'Me! Me. (You.) Me!!!' " (said with expressive hand gestures). Someone very punchy yelled, "I'm like, "Me... me..... me!... ME! You? Me. Then me again." The incredibly charismatic Karen from Chookooloonks had the best one, but there's no way for me to express it in print. Then she made fun of me for about 10 minutes, so hilariously that I didn't mind.

By this time we were doing some raucous screeching into our margaritas. It was around 10pm on the last day of the BlogHer conference. I'd been hearing different sides of various conversations all day, and lots of them were about sex and relationships. One facet of that conversation: I heard from some lesbian, trans, and bisexual women that they felt invisible, that they were constantly hearing assumptions that everyone was heterosexual - until the panels on sex and identity on Day 2 of the conference! To combat this invisibility, I invited Christie Keith to write "QUEER" on my upper arm in permanent marker. Well, that helped. After that I had a great time talking with Tarita, who gives "Pussy Seminars" in the Bay Area, and with Denise from Flamingo House.

Some other people were uncomfortable with the condom company sponsorship because it was felt to be heteronormative. On the other hand, I heard from women who are blog researchers and outreach activists talking to young women about sex on myspace. I heard statistics on how younger women don't expect reciprocity in sex. During the feminist Birds of a Feather talk, I heard from women who feel that lesbian separatists judge their relationships with men in hurtful ways. That it's not an abstract question - it gets deeply personal. Yes, we talked a little bit about the infamous blow job wars (partially explained here at Pandagon and I Blame the Patriarchy. I defended the right and the usefulness of radical lesbian points of view in this discussion, because I think that we need to value the people who will push the boundaries of feminist thinking, and try to work through our possibly defensive reactions to look at hard questions.

And of course there was the table of fun-loving moms busting loose in their rare time away from parenting duty. That was some radical reciprocity. It was rare and cool for me to hear a bunch of married women boasting proudly to each other about their sexual empowerment, and cheering each other for being upfront about sex and desire - in person and in their blogs.

I ended up thinking that would be awesome if more people at BlogHer self-identified. Next year we could make sure to wear signifiers, or make stickers, or just mention our identity. I questioned my own level of "passing" at the conference.

I told the table full of my fellow writers and mothers that San Francisco sex radicals could learn something if they'd hang with the mommybloggers, who are for the most part not at all judgemental about anyone's sexuality. "You bet. Try being married for 10 years - you have to get creative."

Then Jen from Mommy Needs Coffee licked the "Queer" tattoo on my arm.

I love BlogHer!