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Are You A New Girl, A Broke Girl ... Or Just an Old Broke-Down Girl?

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I distinctly remember turning eight years old and being ecstatic that I was officially halfway to 16. Sixteen was the age of Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield, the "Sweet Valley High" twins. The matching gold lavalier-wearing twins. The red Fiat-driving twins. The double-loving, double-awesome twins.

Then I was 12 (halfway to 24!) and I wanted to be Brenda Walsh. Shiny bangs Brenda Walsh. Breaking up with Dylan to "Losing My Religion," but Pre-Summer in Europe and -Almost-Marrying-Stuart Brenda Walsh. I just couldn't wait to grow up.

Today I'm 33 -- the mother of a baby girl who is halfway to one. I unapologetically call 28-year-olds "kids" and shake my finger at people texting and driving. I have no qualms about making dinner reservations at the un-bewitching hour of 6:30 p.m.. Seriously, who eats at 8? What is this, Europe?

Now that I've made it to the other side, I find myself torn. What fake person do I want to be now that I'm all grown up? Does becoming a parent exclude me from secretly wishing I could be one of the free-spirited young gals I started DVR-ing to watch during those middle of the night feedings?

Let's take a closer look.

The New Girl:
  • Jess= Shiny bangs + pretty eyes + great flat collection
  • On a recent episode, she proclaimed that she's "only attracted to guys who think someone famous stole their idea." Just the other day, my husband mentioned to me that he invented both XM Radio and the Kindle a long time ago, he just forgot to tell anyone. We're twins.
  • I admire that she's trying on who she wants to be -- and letting herself be exactly who she is now -- in every moment. Nothing like living in the moment.
  • Also, Jess really spends a lot of time at home, which is something I can relate to. Not like all those flashy political events Leslie Knope is always trotting off to.
However...
  • I don't want to share a bathroom with three guys.
  • I don't ever want to experience another broken heart or go on another first date.
  • I tried teaching kids; it was not for me. I only have patience for one particular child.
The 2 Broke Girls:
  • I'm obsessed with Caroline's riches-to-rags bangs.
  • I miss coming home to a roommate.
  • I love that they have their best years ahead of them once that cupcake business eventually takes off (and I just know it will, darnit).
But...
  • I don't want to be broke.
  • I don't want to sleep on a Murphy Bed in Brooklyn.
  • I tried waitressing, and once a customer grabbed me by the wrists and asked me if I had the job because I was interested in making money. The only part I liked was consolidating the ketchup bottles. That just made sense to me.

So what does this reveal? I mean, besides the fact that I was just obviously looking for a reason for bangs for the last 21 years? It's a little sad to be "more mature" than the girls I might have once aspired to be, but I think I'll take solace in the fact that I could potentially be their Cool Mom Friend. The one that has a baby, but is still down with drinking out of red Solo cups at loft parties. The one who borrows their shoes and lends them money.

Would you trade places with anyone on TV right now?

Read more from Liz Kozak here.