The 7 Worst Types Of College Admission Essays (Slideshow)

College applications are a horrible agony no one should suffer once -- let alone eight to 10 times, as many of today's high school students do. But for every tortured student, there's a tortured admissions professional, sifting through an entire forest of paper, looking for an essay that doesn't scream with gimmick. If you're struggling to write a decent application essay, research writing tips before you get started.

Otherwise, just avoid these terrible examples.

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The Cringe-Inducing Metaphor Essay

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College applicants abuse metaphor like a piñata. With oddly passionate exposition, they describe the fine qualities of random nothings: roller coasters, beanbag chairs, Chunky Monkey ice cream, Taylor Swift’s new album, the McRib sandwich and their grandmother’s knitting basket. This goes on for three to five paragraphs. Then, in a stunning conclusion, the essay reveals that all along -– all along! -– the object has been a parallelism to the applicant’s own character and disposition. Fascinating? Not so much. Even if you firmly believe your best traits align with those of a socket wrench, force yourself to express this gift in some another way.

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College applicants abuse metaphor like a piñata. With oddly passionate exposition, they describe the fine qualities of random nothings: roller coasters, beanbag chairs, Chunky Monkey ice cream, Taylor Swift’s new album, the McRib sandwich and their grandmother’s knitting basket. This goes on for three to five paragraphs. Then, in a stunning conclusion, the essay reveals that all along -– all along! -– the object has been a parallelism to the applicant’s own character and disposition. Fascinating? Not so much. Even if you firmly believe your best traits align with those of a socket wrench, force yourself to express this gift in some another way.

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Comments

[Rachael Crawley]

02:10 AM on 01/02/2011

I was accepted to the University of Toronto in 2009 and didn't have to write an essay. Personally, I think it's kind of ridiculous. "Look at me, I'm amazing and you should totally accept me to your educational establishment because I can reflect on myself really really well!"

[olddognewtrick]

07:39 PM on 12/10/2010

The Wizard Of Oz and the metaphor essays combined. Elizabeth Warren leads Prez O'bama, Timmy Geithner, and Uncle Ben Bernanke down the yellow brick garden path. In order to find out who is behind the curtain....you'll have to provide me a tuition-free spot in your very next freshman class...

[oldschooldemocrat]

04:58 PM on 12/10/2010

Worst variant on the "Mother Teresa" is definitely the one in which the priviledged white student learns some bogus life lesson from an elderly or extremely young person of color. Close second: some developmentally disabled person. I used to represent the faculty on my school's admission committee, and this list really nails it. The "how we won or lost the big game or marching band competition" is unbelievably boring but relatively inoffensive.

[yohuntsy2]

10:21 PM on 12/09/2010

Just staple a check covering all the first year costs onto the essay, lay back and relax.

[52tucker]

09:35 PM on 12/15/2010

I know this whole comment thread is old and all, but this comment cracked me up. Thanks for the lift!

[Hank Edson]

09:11 AM on 12/07/2010

I agree with LivewihFlair, the best advice is striving for "an image-driven essay with an authentic voice." If a student can produce one of these, I think he or she can employ any of the forms ridiculed in this piece and have a winner. To me, mocking universal story forms as grossly cliche is a straw man argument that does college applicants no service (although I agree one should not use "The Situation" as one's essay role model). The point is to demonstrate maturity and an ability to deliver the truth in a way that leaves an impact. It's simply too easy to caricature essays types as unoriginal. It's very rarely that an essayist invents a new type. What matters is how well they handle the type they choose.

[glockman]

06:52 PM on 12/04/2010

Is this something new? I enrolled in Ohio University in 1989. I was also accepted to the University of Akron, Ohio State, University of Michigan and University of Kentucky. I didn't write an essay for any of my college applications.

Something about self indulgent praise as a means of college entrance strikes me as silly.

[fco1922]

08:41 AM on 12/09/2010

Mighty high-powered set of universities there (with the exception of University of Michigan). I'm surprised they even made you fill out an application.

[LivewithFlair]

02:22 PM on 11/28/2010

I have to weigh in as a college writing instructor. All the examples you mention are indeed cliche. But how do you solve the problem of cliche? You write an image-driven essay with an authentic voice. That can turn the worst cliche into a winner. I fear this article will discourage students. Instead of telling us what not to write, we need more help turning our experiences (that are cliche because we call have similar ones) into an authentic written voice. I'd love to read a thousand essays on the reformed convict as long as it sounded authentic. Writing with flair means you find a voice, not an original experience. http://livewithflair.blogspot.com/

[Vetinari]

01:04 AM on 11/28/2010

I never knew the essay was very important. I plunked mine out in about 30 minutes (I think).

Of course I was not applying to a prestigious college

[SapphireBlaze9]

02:30 AM on 11/27/2010

Hm, I'll keep those in mind, but I think most people would have a toned-down combination of these types.

[one1byke]

06:01 PM on 11/26/2010

Point of Correction, Mrs. O'neil. It's Mrs. Sarah Palin and Mrs. Palin's wink is Genuine.

[senseandnonsense]

04:00 PM on 11/29/2010

And the wink is totally worth mocking.

[Prometeo]

03:40 PM on 11/26/2010

Good thing the "setting-your-mom-as-an-example-and/or-motivaton" to enter school wasn't mentioned here. That was the one I used for law school. Maybe that's the kind of essay that makes it into the "accepted" pile.

[Cassandrawept]

11:00 PM on 11/25/2010

Collecting change outside of Whie Hen for Smiletrain makes points with me. That person with a new face will always be happy about it.

[Brian Hanna]

08:41 PM on 11/25/2010

So what exactly are people to write about if not life experiences or there accomplishments?

[ggrzw]

10:53 AM on 11/26/2010

They should write about those things, just not in a hackneyed, formulaic structure.

[opines]

10:25 AM on 11/25/2010

Highest success rate goes to those who pay their exam tutor to write essay for them.

[Sparky Mahoney]

11:53 PM on 11/24/2010

Best way to go? Just tell them you plan to major biz/economics, become a hedge fund manager and then billionaire, so if they want some serious alumnus contributions they better damn well take you.