Just Give Me A "Dumb Phone"

Someone in my family who shall remain anonymous to protect her identity -- and our marriage - owns an iPhone. And she loves it. My limited research tells me that everyone who owns an iPhone, a Blackberry, or any other "smart phone" loves their phone. How can you love a phone? To me, it's like loving a paper clip. But anyway, now Google's getting in the smart phone business with its version -- the G1. So there's going to be more love going around when it comes to these devices.

I understand that one of the reasons that their iPhone is the last thing that some people look at every night is because of the wonderful design. I guess the same goes for the other smarty phones. The other reason people adore them, of course, is that these phones can do so many things. They're actually powerful computers that are also phones.

You can use them to send email. If you're really brave, you can use them to check your stocks. Some of them have navigation systems. The G1 system will have "Street View" which will show you actual street-level photos of the street. I guess this is better than taking your eyes off your beloved electronic device and just looking at the street you're standing on.

Okay, okay. Obviously, my sarcasm doesn't mask my true feelings about these things: who needs them? If you're saying they're just fun toys, okay. But don't try convincing me that you "need" them.

The G1 won't just have a camera. It will have a camcorder. And I guess that is something people might need. I mean, look how often you'll be in front of a bank, you'll see it being robbed, you'll see a pregnant woman trip the robber, then the bank guard will deliver the baby, the pregnant woman's estranged husband just happens to walk by and is so touched by the sight of the innocent baby that he's thrilled that they are a family again, and all you're thinking is, "I can't believe I wasn't able to record this on my phone." That kind of thing happens to all of us all the time, right?

As I said before, they call these things "smart phones." My question is, if they're so smart, why don't these phones work better -- as phones? That's something you never hear in the commercials. Nobody's saying, "Not only do you get all these features, but you always get a strong signal, a perfect connection, and an easy to understand conversation."

Doesn't it seem that the more expensive the phone, the worse it works as a phone? I've actually suggested to my wife -- I mean to the anonymous family member -- that she buy the cheapest phone available to use as a phone, and keep her iPhone for all the fun things. That's not going to happen. I think she feels that she would be cheating on the phone she loves.

I don't have a good memory for everything, but I can remember when phones actually worked each and every time. Now, people dangle out of windows to get better reception just so they can say they're going to be late for dinner. It seems to me that first you fix the phone aspect of the phone, and then you come up with all these fun features. I don't need a phone that can tie my shoes. Well, actually, that would be a pretty cool feature, but barring that, I prefer a phone that works.

From a business standpoint, I must be wrong. People are buying these things and falling in love with them, and they don't seem to care that the most common thing they say over their phone is, "I can't hear you. I'll call you back from my real phone."

They are fun things to own. I just think they should stop calling them phones. Maybe the iFun or Gee1 would be more appropriate names. When the founders of Google, Larry Page and Sergey Brin introduced their new product, they weren't wearing suits and those fancy shoes with the little holes in them. They wore casual clothes and rollerblades. I guess that shows they're not button-downed CEOs of some stuffy phone company. Also, if the product bombs, the rollerblades will help them make a quick escape from their stockholders.

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from "Sesame Street" to "Family Ties" to "Home Improvement" to "Frasier." He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover. He can be reached at [e-mail]. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.

Comments

[larry278]

Abolish the 21st century. Locate Elisha Gray's grave. Organize tours to desecrate Elisha Gray & Alexander Graham Bell's graves. Explore ways to render cell phone towers useless without violating the law. Shame those who use cell phones in public spaces, but no violence. There are legal ways to render cell phones useless, but no violence or vandalism. Protect personal privacy. Be civil at all times.
The melt down may bring an era when atavistic anarchy similar to the middle ages reigns supreme.

[Sumocat]

In my experience, the major problem with mobile phones, smart or dumb, is the network. My old dumb phone persistently lost signal strength about the time people were starting to come home and make calls. Doesn't matter how good the device is if the network doesn't have the capacity, much the way a sports car doesn't benefit you much in heavy traffic. That said, the voice quality on my iPhone is very impressive. People actually have said they thought I was talking to them from a landline, not a mobile.