For most of my childhood and adolescent years I was intent on developing a sense of identity/persona. In the decade after college I sculpted and polished it. In NYC, practicing that persona, I became deeply immersed in the party life of wine, women and song. It titillated me and gave me much pleasure, but inside I knew something was wrong -- deeply wrong. I was 50 pounds overweight, drinking heavily, smoking three packs a day, and was depressed. I knew that there must be more to life than what I was doing.
My life was out of joint. Most evenings I visited a girlfriend in uptown Manhattan and later would walk 90 blocks down to Greenwich Village where I lived. I posed life questions to myself as the rhythm of my stride permeated them: How do I find peace, how do I find who I am, what is the purpose of my life, what am I?
One day, at the corner of 23rd and 5th Ave. a word bubbled up and burst into my consciousness. The word was: Image. That moment of awareness changed the focus of my life forever. I saw that my whole life had centered around and was being driven by an image of who I should be and what I should be doing. Instantly I became free of fear and constriction. My mind became clear and I was a child again -- my life became vibrant. Over the next few months my lifestyle changed dramatically. I stopped much of my drinking and womanizing and started to find joy in little things.Things happened I couldn't explain.
Sitting in the Metropolitan Museum looking at a Corot landscape as tears flowed down my cheeks, I was happy for the first time in years. Thus began a new life and a spiritual search to discover what had happened to me.
Now, many years later, I realize that the 'awakening' experience in NYC was like walking through the gates of the University we call Life. It has been said that "None of us asked to be born and all of us know we will die," so what is the purpose of what lies in between? A sage* once said that "Everything that we receive in life is either a duty or a lesson." There is a subtle point of wisdom in each and every experience and if we can sift this gold from the dross we will have gathered a treasure trove of Peace and Understanding that will serve us throughout our lives.
Different truths have unfolded as a result of this search. My five years spent in the Buddhist world gave rise to several valuable insights:"The mind is by its nature restless, but you are not the mind." And among the four noble truths:
All life is suffering
All suffering is caused by desire
Eliminate desires and eliminate suffering.
I now know these things to be true but amazingly, as a child running in the fields, wind blowing through my hair, I was naturally in that state unencumbered by mind and desire. I,as most children, enjoyed the 'now' to its fullest.
After meeting a Sufi Saint* and spending 11 years in his presence I learned even more about the meaning of my life. I learned that each of us comes into the world full of light (just look into a baby's eyes). I learned that gradually that light is overlaid with habits, beliefs, thoughts, religions, politics and desires until its original glow is all but obscured. I learned that the original light in the child's eyes is our true being, our essence, a ray of light from God.
"God has no form, He is Light. He is the Light within the eyes of everyone. He is a Light within everyone's inner heart. He is a Light within everyone's inner soul. He is a light within everyone's wisdom. He is a Truth and a Power within the truth of everyone." *
I learned that we need not seek peace and happiness outside ourselves in the things of the world but that our efforts should be to remove the things that cover this Light. If this is done then Joy, Love and Compassion will flood our very being. An old Tang Dynasty poem comes to mind:
"The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white, neither need you do aught but be yourself."
Wealth and power bring with them even more desires and a never ending check list of 'necessary' things to do see or have. These add to the coverings instead of removing them and make our lives even more stressful and difficult. My college roommate had many millions of dollars in his family trust. Yet, tortured by his mind and the world, he took his own life in his early 30s.
"The fault is not in you, but in standing back and letting the things in your mind take over. If you catch and control your mind this will not happen".*
Lastly, the inner Light which exists in all beings is the home of what the Sage called "God's Qualities." If we practice them, we become them and in so doing reach our jouney's destination the 'peace that passeth all understanding.' This understanding came into my heart one morning and these words flowed out.
If you practice patience
you become more patient.
If you become more patient
you become quieter.
If you become quieter
you become more aware.
If you become more aware
you become more compassionate.
If you become more compassionate
you become more understanding.
If you become more understanding
you become wiser.
If you become wiser
you become more accepting.
If you become more accepting
you become more peaceful.
If you become more peaceful
you will see unity in all things.
If you see unity in all things
you become more grateful.
If you become more grateful
you thank God.
you will praise God.
If you praise God
you have understood Life.
And the meaning of your life.
And you have come to know
that the kingdom of Heaven
is indeed within.
*M.R.Bawa Muhaiyaddeen
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