Huffpost Divorce
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Lois Tarter Headshot

Divorced, But Dating Your Ex

Posted: Updated:
GUY BRINGING FLOWERS
Jamie Grill via Getty Images

A friend of mine had gotten divorced about a year ago. We spoke often during the divorce process and I tried to give her a lot of support. We hadn't been in contact for about six months after her divorce and recently met for coffee. It was great to see her again, but I noticed how stressed she seemed. I asked if everything was okay and she told me that she had started dating her ex. While I was shocked, I knew not to judge her and just listened.

She said that she got back together with him after going on some bad dates and feeling lonely. They began texting, then talking and eventually sort of "hooked up" (whatever that means.) They went through a tough two-year divorce process that involved high attorney fees and selling their house in a bad market. However, they never had children together. She admitted that she was stressed out because she was beginning to think that she made the wrong decision in getting back together with him. In fact, she hadn't given me any reasons that seemed strong enough for them to get back together at all.

Sometimes it's reasonable and appropriate to get back with your ex. It doesn't happen often, but in some cases it can end up being positive. However, you have to make sure that you're getting back together for the right reasons. Here are seven reasons you should not get back with your ex:

For the Children: Keeping things civil with your ex for the sake of your children is important. But getting back together in a romantic relationship with your ex is more than being civil. If you decide to give it a go again after the divorce and it doesn't work out, it could be even more confusing for your children. You don't want to put your kids through a second break-up. So really think about how your life was with your ex and don't get back together simply because you think it will be good for your children. Focus on what is best for the two of you and if it could really work this time around.

You Don't Want to Be Alone This Summer: Everybody who is single wants to have someone for the seasons. Who doesn't like someone to share a picnic with in the summer and a person to cuddle with in the winter? The thought of being alone in winter might seem cold, but I recommend buying a heating blanket and hanging tight until the right someone comes into your life.

You Want Some Holiday Loving: Christmas, Valentine's Day and birthdays are no reason to get back with your ex. Nobody likes to be alone on those days, but are you really going to feel good the day after when your ex begins to act like his old self (which is never a present)? Spare yourself the disappointment and go out with some friends and family on those holidays instead.

Because You're Sick of Bad Dates: We've all been on bad dates. I'm sure they seem a bit more magnified now that you're going back into the dating world after being married. You'll probably go on some bad ones before you hit your stride with some good ones. Stay the course and don't get frustrated and go back to your ex.

For Financial Reasons: Sure married couples get breaks on car insurance, but this is not a reason to get back together. Rest assured that you will make it on your own financially. Trust me, trying to make this relationship work again will cost you more in the end than the money you think you'll save.

You Like to Have a Plus-One: Your ex was a reliable plus-one for various events over many years. Having him on your arm at your friend's wedding or your holiday office party might have worked years ago, but your ex is more like a negative factor than a plus-one these days. Be daring and go solo! You may be surprised who else at the event is looking for love.

You're Feeling Lonely: This might be the worst reason to get back with an ex. How could anyone be lonely in life with friends just a click away via Facebook and Twitter? I'm kidding, but there are plenty of ways to cure loneliness that do not include your ex.