You see that same headline every time you stand in the grocery line waiting to buy your
thirty two rolls of toilet paper and your organic frozen pizza. It's on the latest Cosmopolitan or some other "I'm a super hot sexy independent lady with an amazing job that can...

To: Mel Gibson
From: Yours Truly
Subject: Why I should be your new girlfriend

Dearest Mel,

I haven't heard much from you lately. Anything new and exciting happening? Hope life has been treating you well. Anyhoo, a little bird told me that you may be single...

I tend to be the grossest person in the room. I used to always describe myself as one of the guys...with female genitalia. I consider it a gift really. But lately, I come to realize it's more than that. It's genetic.

My great aunt Margie is a hot 76-year-old and...

My grandmother has these really long, graceful hands that I seem to have inherited. We used to put our hands together, palm-to-palm and they would match up perfectly. Those hands played the piano beautifully, made thirteen dozen tamales from scratch each Christmas and would caress my cheeks while she proclaimed,...

It started off as your average, typical, run of the mill bitch fest lunch with the girls. You know the kind.

"Oh my God, if my ass gets any fatter, I'm gonna have to start buying two seat on planes."

"I swear my kids are driving my fucking crazy....

OK, darlings, it's Super Bowl SUNDAY! Colt vs. the Saints. HOW EXCITED ARE YOU? Wait. You're not? Well guess what? You're not alone. I've heard nothing but complaints from my female friends this year about this coming Sunday. It's blah blah Super Bowl, blah blah, the Saints, blah blah, touchdown...

I just told a doctor I met not two hours ago that I wanted to jump his bones.

Let me start from the beginning.

I had been whining about my neck pain for a little while. About 6 years, give or take. You know, the regular, "Wagh, my neck...

It's just dumb luck really.

A roll of the dice, a hand that I'm dealt, a flip of a coin.

Heads, I'm lounging in my bed with overstuffed pillows, mango sorbet and the latest on HBO.

Tails, I'm in Darfur, with my own government destroying my village and killing my...

I just spent yesterday morning caressing her face, kissing her forehead, telling her how much I love her and stroking her soft, sleek fur. My dog had just died.

When I first met Sophie, it was already set in stone. I was a goner: Hook, line and sinker. There was...

I'm strapped onto a man I've just met not thirty minutes ago. Shoulder, waist, hips, thighs, and a little too close to my pink parts I might add. And he keeps pulling them tighter! Feel OK? He asks. What the hell am I supposed to say? He's the boss and...

There are many different reasons.

It's just not working for me.
I want to date other people.
I'm not ready to settle down.
I need some space.
I don't want a commitment.
We have different lifestyles.
We have different needs.
You're too...

Dear Sirius Satellite Radio,

Thank you for giving G. Gordon Liddy his own radio show. Because when I need to hear the facts, entertaining theories and clever witticisms, that's where I go.

Why, just last week, Liddy proved his ability to discuss a topical event in a classy yet comical...

So, I was flying out of New York the other day and was pleased as punch to find I could get a little web surfing done with American Airlines' new partner, Aircell's www.GoGo.Inflight.com. $12.95 and a few minutes later, I had returned some emails, created a new, absurd Facebook...

Here I sit in beautiful Southern California, land of the hybrid cars, cloth bags for groceries and recycled water bottles. So I knew it was only a matter of time before the collective consciousness started turning its attention towards the bedroom and people sought to become more environmentally friendly while...

Listen up, ladies. Your prayers have been answered. Rush Limbaugh has become your new marriage counselor. And he's just unloaded the secret to keeping your marriage intact.

Shut your pie hole.

I'll give you a moment to write that down. You're not going to want to lose that pearl of...