How To Really Score During The Super Bowl

04/06/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

OK, darlings, it's Super Bowl SUNDAY! Colt vs. the Saints. HOW EXCITED ARE YOU? Wait. You're not? Well guess what? You're not alone. I've heard nothing but complaints from my female friends this year about this coming Sunday. It's blah blah Super Bowl, blah blah, the Saints, blah blah, touchdown THIS. And they're just trying to figure out ways to get out of watching the damn game.

So if you are one of those who would rather slide down a 50 foot razor than sit through 3 hours of man on man ass grab, what do you do?

Well, you have options, as always. You can take the easy way out. Go out to lunch with friends, whine about how he doesn't understand you and buy yourself a new pair of shoes. Hey, when doesn't that work, right?

Or you can play submissive little wife-y hiding out in the kitchen, only to emerge to refill chips, salsa and beers for your man and his over testosterone'd entourage. Wow. Where do I sign up for that day of thrills?

Screw that...

Make the Super Bowl interesting by making little wagers on the game.

That way, you'll have something to gain or give from each play. Here are a couple of ways you can go:

The Panties Pool

You've seen those office pools they do for football games, right? It's a grid of boxes, with 0-9 going down and 0-9 going across. Then people write their names inside the boxes and then one set of numbers is for one team, and one is for the other. So, say, at the end of the first quarter, the score is 10 - 7, the Saints, then you would go to that square, and that person would win. You can do the same. But instead of putting in names in the squares, you put SEX ACTS. So, whoever wins, REALLY wins. And it's up to you to be as nice or as naughty as you want.

You can have the prizes be anything your little heart desires. From kissing to an erotic massage, he owes you oral sex. From you wearing THAT school girl outfit, to him doing THAT dance he does naked. (Um, whatever you two do...)

I promise the game gets more interesting if you have a blindfold, whipped cream and oral sex riding on the line...

Private Parts Points

OK, let's say you don't have any time to write out a whole pool or it's not your deal. You can get into the game with certain sexual paybacks for plays the teams make.

What if the Colts get a 3-point field goal? Maybe he gets his choice of three sex positions.
Or say, there's a turnover (fumble or interception) then you get a head to toe body massage, with his tongue. A touchdown could mean you touch him downtown while the point after could mean you get oral sex every night for a week.

The possibilities are endless.

And last but least, there's always some fun to be had with the Super Bowl commercials. So why not work them into your game? If a Coke or Pepsi commercial comes on before a beer commercial, one of you has to strip. Fed-Ex, means one of you has to feed the other one in the nude, or a pizza commercial gets you your favorite sexual fantasy.

You may just find yourself loving the game.

Added bonus - This works not just for the Super Bowl but for baseball, hockey, basketball, soccer, and Olympic Figure skating. German judges would give you a "10."