Rush Limbaugh, Love Guru?

09/21/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

Listen up, ladies. Your prayers have been answered. Rush Limbaugh has become your new marriage counselor. And he's just unloaded the secret to keeping your marriage intact.

Shut your pie hole.

I'll give you a moment to write that down. You're not going to want to lose that pearl of wisdom.

Apparently, Mr. Limbaugh believes if you want a happy marriage and keep your man from suffering that horrible "I can't keep it in my pants" flu, then you better not open that mouth of yours unless it's for some oral lovin'.

Yes, that hot piece of ass Rushy was busy dissecting the sex scandal du jour and figured out all on his own why John Edwards strayed from his wife, Elizabeth. And no, it had nothing to do with the little head doing the thinking for the big head.

The ever-eloquent talk show host was wondering on air what caused the affair and concluded: "Could it be that she doesn't shut up? ...It just seems to me that Edwards might be attracted to a woman whose mouth did something other than just talk."

Oh, that wacky Rush. Can he get to the bottom of a problem, or what? I'm starting to wonder if Mike Myers based his Love Guru character on the sin-Zen, shock jock, Limbaugh wisdom.

Basically, he's telling women that we are omnipotent in marriage. It's completely up to us whether or not our marriage will succeed or fail. We can decide to live happily, albeit mutely, ever after. Or we can chuck that wedding ring into the garbage disposal and express opinions, ask questions and be a general pain in the ass. It's our choice.

I'm drunk with power just thinking about it.

Of course some of you little troublemakers out there will have questions regarding this perfected point of view.

For example, if we can't talk, how DO we communicate with our husbands? How can we ask what he wants for dinner? Or what if he wants another beer? Should we invest in a chalkboard? Cue cards perhaps? Take up sign language?

Oh wait. That would really hinder our ability to administer great "hand affection." Is that really fair to our men? Or could that alone be grounds for divorce?

And then there's the whole other "what else am I allowed with my mouth" question? Is food allowed?

Don't worry your pretty little head over it. I'm sure he'll tell us in his next book.

So I say, God bless you, Big R. Now I know that if ever I feel my relationship is shaky, I won't resort to any foolish communication. I'll simply assume the position and only say, "AHHHHH."

There's just one thing, old Rushy-poo.

What do men do if women feel like straying? I'm assuming the same rules would apply?

I mean, you may really be on to something. Women just might be attracted to men whose mouth did something other than talk.

But in your case, we'll make an exception. You can just shut up.