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Lora Somoza

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When Hot Cosmopolitan Sex Tips Go Bad

Posted: 10/26/10 04:40 PM ET

You see that same headline every time you stand in the grocery line waiting to buy your
thirty two rolls of toilet paper and your organic frozen pizza. It's on the latest Cosmopolitan or some other "I'm a super hot sexy independent lady with an amazing job that can afford that bargain $780 scarf and will vacation in Namibia whilst building an orphanage and having super hawt sex every night with a dude that looks like Daniel Craig" magazine. It's the headline that promises the secret tips to the best sex ever. Like, ever ever.

So you rush out and buy this, because who doesn't want the best sex ever? And you would sell you little sister into slavery if only to know how to do the "Flying Wheelbarrow" or the "Kryptonite Kegels," or whatever the hell it is. And if Cosmo tells you to answer the door in aluminum foil, by God, you're gonna do it.

But buyer beware, because you may just run into a few snags along the way. Behold, a few favorite fails:

1. Add Food: Yeah I know, we've all seen "9 ½ Weeks" and what's not to love about Kim Basinger getting fed strawberries blindfolded? But it's when people take it a step too far that it gets... messy. For example, cold honey and pubic hair will only end in tears, kids. (Don't ask me how I know this.) And although you may want to be treated like a banana split, having whipped cream or hot fudge poured everywhere is not always a great plan. I've heard horror stories where although the woman was gluten tolerant, her cooch, not so much.

2. Sexting: Sure, sending a little enticing photo to your partner is fun. Who hasn't sent a little seduction with the help of Verizon, AT&T or Sprint? Well that's just what my friend thought, except that she didn't think to actually check to see that she was sexting her husband when she clicked "SEND."

Instead of her husband getting a picture of her naked with her latest "purchase" from an adult toy store, she sent it to her best friend's mother in law, who had just inherited her old phone. The best friend called her hysterical, "How could you send that to my mother in law? She's 80 years old! She makes Jell-O salads with mandarin oranges!" What Jell-O salads and mandarin oranges had to do with the ring of hell she would be sent to, I don't know, but nevertheless, let this be a lesson to you: Friends don't let friends sext to the other friends' Mothers' in law. (You better write that one down.)

3. Bonding over Bondage: Don't get me wrong. A little rope can go a long way to making the night more exciting. (Not that I would know from any personal experience. Moving on...) But the mood can be broken. I had one woman tell me that she really liked to get tied up. But her new boyfriend was too timid and simply tied her hands in a cute little bow. It killed the mood and pretty much the relationship.

But hey, some relationships have the perfect chemistry for a little bondage, just poor timing. One reader told me she and her husband were doing their thing when their teenage daughter came home a day early and mom couldn't get untied fast enough to prevent the lovely visual no amount of bleach will erase from that poor girl's head. Fun Fact, people: That's why doors have locks. To keep your children out.

4. Sex Toys: Again, kids do the darndest things to your sex life. Just ask one reader who had a daughter find a rubber "friend" of hers. The daughter decided to play arts and crafts and brought out a googly-eyed dildo to the dinner table. I'm pretty sure that's not what they meant by the other white meat. So for future reference, you may want to lock up your toys or be prepared to share.

5. Location: OK, remember when you were a teenager and you used to always make out in the car? Well, yeah, it was hot and fun and the only place you could get it on. But now you're older and you want to liven up your sex life, right? So you and partner are going to do it in the car in a parking lot or at a park because you guys are adventurous and sexy and Brad and Angie would totally do that.

Yeah, well, lets just say, I know from personal experience it doesn't always work that way. It works more like a knock on the car window, which happens to be a cop. And while your boyfriend is outside the car showing his license, you are trying to find your underwear and your dignity. Then cop number 2 shows up to make sure you're not being attacked, to which you just let him know that only your pride has been attacked, thank you very much. Then they ask you two pervs to leave. I mean, I'm guessing it would go something like that. (I'm sticking to that story.)

I don't know. That missionary position at home is looking mighty fine right about now.

 

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