Even though for most people Valentine's Day is a night for great romance, almost from the time I came out at 40, for me it has been bittersweet. Although for 24 years I have shared many romantic Valentine's Days with Doug, the love of my life to whom I am now legally married, on Valentine's Day two of my best friends died tragically because they were gay. There is a strange irony that loving someone of the same sex could bring both such joy and such pain.
I met Ken in a support group for gay fathers. The group was instrumental in resolving many of the conflicts I had about my hidden homosexual desires. Everyone there had come out to their wives and they were seeking to find ways to deal with the loss of losing their families. These men were my entire circle of friends when I first came out.
Ken was my mentor in how to be gay while at the same time remaining a good father. His daughter, Jennifer, lived with him, and I hoped my own daughters could learn from her how to deal with having a gay father.
Ken had just come out of a long term relationship. Not wanting to be alone on Valentines Day, 1988, and not having connected with anyone at the gay bar, Ken went to a cruising area of Des Moines and picked up two young men and took them to his apartment. These two men, Gary Titus and "Billy" Green, stabbed Ken to death. Jennifer, asleep in the next room when her father was murdered, discovered his body in the morning. Titus later testified, "All gay people should be dead." His wish took a strange twist when his brother sent a letter to him in jail telling him he was gay; his brother later died of AIDS.
Jim was the first psychiatric patient I treated who had HIV. It was in the late 1980s and little was known about HIV. I remember being anxious about shaking his hand as he left my office. Jim was a cautious man -- except once. He knew precisely the moment he'd been infected; one night his sexual passion over-powered his rational thought. Jim was very closeted, and he came to see me because and he now faced having not only to tell his family that he was gay but also that he was going to die from AIDS.
Later, as my group of gay acquaintances expanded, Jim and I met again and became good friends. As he became sicker, he asked me to be his medical decision maker in the event he was unable to make his own decisions. I accepted, but didn't realize how difficult it would become.
Jim died on Valentine's Day, 1993. The day, too, was bittersweet. We'd had several inches of new snow; the sun was shining brightly in a sparkling blue sky, but it was bitterly cold. As he lay unconscious in his antique bed, covered with a down duvet and hand-made quilts, Jim's home was filled with people who loved him. The opera music he cherished filled the room where he lay. He had a high fever, was very dehydrated and his breathing was increasingly labored. As he neared death, I was torn between calling for IV's and antibiotics, or allowing him to die with the dignity he'd requested. He died precisely at noon, exactly the way he would have wanted.
How easily either Ken's death or Jim's could have been mine. I came out when I was 40, beginning the process in the early 1980s. As a newly freed man I was eager to experience every gay experience I'd missed earlier in my life. My sexual passions ran high and clouded my ability to make rational choices. If I had come out earlier in my life, I am quite certain I would have been infected with the deadly HIV.
But sweetness remains in my Valentine's Days, too. At about the time of Ken's death I met Doug, and we have been together ever since. I fell in love with him the night we met and he said, "I'm monogamous. Very monogamous." It was obvious that we shared many of the same values. Doug and I have had our challenges, of course, but those shared values have allowed us to work through them. I could never have imagined when I came out that Iowa's Supreme Court would make a unanimous decision in 2010 that would allow us to be married.
I loved my wife as much as I possibly could; I regret that it was not enough for me to be there day after day for my children. But first with Ken, then with Jim and our other friends, and finally with Doug, I discovered why people love Valentine's Day. I had found dimensions of loving others in ways I had never known. The joys of that love have made it possible to endure the risks of loving another.
Follow Loren A. Olson, M.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/LorenAOlsonMD
James Helmuth, Ph.D.: Finding My True Self
I just turned 60 last weekend. I am single and am a late-blooming gay person --- only been out about 10 years. I also have seven adult children, whom I have mostly raised by myself --- I've been married three times, but the time between marriages is greater than all of the marriages combined.
I harbor no illusions about being a great candidate for marriage. At this point, I'm very settled in my ways and would be a challenge to live with, much as I hate to admit it. But it would be nice to have someone --- I don't know, maybe in a house next door, in my pathetic fantasies --- who would come over occasionally and be a part of my life. As it is, I have a six-month-old cat whom I don't particularly like --- but then, I didn't always like my kids when they were teenagers, either, and I'm sure they felt the same way about me. Eventually, we all got over it.
One of the continuing depressing things about listening to homophobes is their insistence that gay people don't have healthy relationships and tend to be promiscuous or at least serial monogamists. Of course, it's difficult to develop and nurture relationships when throughout most of your life, you've felt like you had to hide your sexual orientation or seek potential partners in a furtive manner as opposed to our heterosexual counterparts who have less limited options in ways they can meet people, because their sexual orientation has not been condemned by society for most of their lives.
Fortunately --- for younger gay men and women --- those social restrictions are falling by the wayside and more and more people are at least acknowledging that gay people even exist and more and more people are becoming gay supportive. For me, it would have been nice to start experiencing such attitudes maybe 20 years ago. For now, it seems like a case of too much, too little, too late ...
In 20 years, living as a gay man may just be easier than it is today. Who knows?
It wasn't until I was thirty nine that I met my partner. At the insistent behest of friends one hot, humid St-Louis Sunday in June, I agreed to meet them out for a drink. I had a wonderful group of friends, but that "special guy" eluded me. Cue, Diana Ross singing "You Can't Hurry Love."
Our group was situated perfectly - being able to have a sweeping view of the 120 year-old horse-shoe shaped oak bar, the front door as well as the one leading out to the patio. In the middle of typical bar chat, the front door opened. In walked a 6'3" man with a handsome face, white T-shirt, white tennis shorts and shoes. Cue Aretha Franklin belting out "Freeway of Love!"
In atypical fashion, I leaned in closely to my buddies and announced that that man was the one I'd spend the rest of my life with. I didn't know why I said it, but I knew it was true. We exchanged nods and smiles a couple of times - I finally walked over to him saying, "Look, one of us had better say, "Hi!"..."
We've been together ever since...
Cue Donna Fargo, "I’m the happiest [guy] in the whole USA.
Thank you, friend, I'm a lucky guy :-) I hope you are doing well. If I could re-fan you, I would; Fave has to suffice for now. Best wishes to you...
--ez
It is irresponsible at best, and the end of one's life at its worst.
Sounds like more homophobia than a rational statement.
Congratulations to you and your spouse! I am so happy for you...what an awesome event for you both and for your family and friends! The very best of wishes...
--ez
ty. but i am not married and not gay. i am just happy equality has come to iowa.
but it may not last. three of the ISC judges who ruled on the Varnum case were not retained during the last election, and the GOP is targeting hte other 4. The GOP is also thinking of doing a constitutional amendment to outlaw SSM.
All good things,
Cara
I too shall fan you!
Open your heart. They are here to stay.
Cara
In this world, the LAST thing we should have to worry about is two people loving each other.
Now..............EVERYBODY KISS!!!!!!!!!!!
all blessings and kindness your way,
Cara
Indeed.
F&F