My goodness, we've been busy here at the North Pole! The elves have worked their tiny elf-fingers to the bone making toys for all the good little girls and boys, and there sure are a lot of them, 'cause I've been checking my list.
What a magical time of year this is! Ordinarily I don't like to ruin the holiday spirit by burdening parents with my problems, but golly, I've got a whopper and sure could use your help. You see, my workshop has just run out of the color pink. I know, I know, tell me about it. Not a very merry announcement! No more pink paint, no more pink fabric dye, no more pink markers or pencils or crayons. No more pink plastic, nylon, aluminum, fiberglass, graphite, boron, kevlar or polyurethane foam. We're just plumb out!
Now, I know what you're thinking, parents. You're thinking, there goes Christmas for my girls! There it just effing went! But hang on a minute. Santa's no quitter, no sir. You see, we still have some lavender left. It's not much, but if the elves are really, really careful with it, we might eke out a few more lilac playhouses and amethyst tiaras. I know lavender is not the same as pink, but I have it on good authority from Mrs. Claus that little girls will wear and play with lavender stuff too! She's a good egg, Mrs. Claus, always adding the feminine perspective, especially when I stick my foot in my mouth spewing stupid poppycock like, "but what about red or blue or yellow or green?" You don't get to be my age without falling a little behind the times on important matters like which colors are for which children. (Seems like the boys got most of 'em now, the little rascals!)
I know I'm just a foolish jolly old man, but honest to Blitzen, I've got another idea, and I'm just going to throw it on out there. "Crowd source it," as you young folk say! I know it's a wee bit crazy, but what about... orange? We've got such a surplus of orange presents in the workshop, we could start loading up my sleigh sky-high right this minute with all kinds of fun clothes and toys to please the fairer sex -- orange ball gowns, orange princess castles, orange tutus, even orange pogo sticks and scooters and bikes. And oranges!
Frankly -- and this is confidential -- the reindeer have been complaining these past few years about all that monochromatic bright pink gear somehow warping the magnetic field along their flight routes, but that seems kind of far-fetched to me. Then again, all these scientists are saying pink is not a real color. Have you heard about that? Imagine! Impugning pink's ontological status and alarming innocent little girls around the world! Rudolph is especially distressed these days, but for different, navigational reasons, you understand. This whole situation is giving old Santa quite a headache, and it's not from the eggnog, so don't even think it.
Hey, any of you folks following me on Twitter? I'm having a TweetChat the night before Christmas using the hashtag #ROYGBIV, so won't you please join the conversation on shifting the female color paradigm? Trust me, I know girls need a specific color to represent their gender, but orange is the new pink! Or green could be. You've just got to Believe.
Ho, ho, ho, and merry, merry!
Follow Lori Day on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Lori_Day