Like so many of you out there I have a few body image issues. Well, actually... more than a few.
Compared to others sometimes mine seem a little more cryptic.
A little more illogical. A little more...weird.
I totally recognize that.
Like how I felt like people would think I looked like an elephant if I wore a jacket that had elephants all over it (it didn't) or how wearing a bracelet added 10 pounds to me (it doesn't.)
I'm super aware of how mean I can be to myself a lot of the time and I'm constantly trying to battle the bully in my head that reared its head at a young age.
I recognize that sometimes the things that can ruin my day by making me feel fat are so beyond ridiculous that I have to laugh at them.
For example, this week. These three things:
This box sits in the doorway of my co-worker Mary's office. I pass by this box 900 times a day.
My last name starts with an "F," contains three "R's" and is hyphenated with my husband's last name that begins with a "B." When I walk by this box, every time in my mind I say "LARGE FERRARO" which means I say that to myself in my head a lot.
Is this the stupidest thing ever? Probably.
Duh, a milkshake has every right to make me feel fat right? But what if it's not for me? And I'm just carrying it? From a fast food joint to my car? I was going to see a friend of mine after work who wasn't feeling well. When I asked her what "treat" I could bring over to help make her feel better she said a strawberry shake from Burgerville. I got her a large, with extra whipped cream.
As soon as the cashier handed it to me I felt like I had to get out of there and FAST as I was mentally preparing my, "It's not for me it's for a friend, who is sick, and asked me to pick this up for her" speech. Needless to say, nobody saw me and more importantly, WHO THE HELL CARES IF SOMEBODY DID SEE ME HOLDING A DAMN MILKSHAKE.
Is this the stupidest thing ever? Close second to a cardboard box giving me a complex.
A Family Swim.
This one makes the most sense since it involves a bathing suit. I get it, kids like to swim, but it's a lot of work for me to get geared up for this trip to the community center pool. I love swimming with my boys but I don't love getting splashed in the eyes with heavily chlorinated water, my hair gettiing wet despite my battle to keep it piled on top of my head and I have acute anxiety fearing my bathing suit will slide to the side and my boob will pop out in front of a bunch of dads and kids. Towels, changes of clothes, cash for snacks, bags for wet stuff, etc. GAH.
For my boys there is no issue, they whip off their shirts and in they go. But for me, it's a lifetime of body image issues rolled up with the "is my bikini wax still at an acceptable stage" issue plopped on top of the fact that I really could use a new bathing suit so I can stop feeling myself up in the pool to make sure I'm not flashing anybody.
Last week we ended our swim all together in the family changing room which is not fun. Peeling off a wet bathing suit under fluorescent lights in a concrete room with a toilet in front of others is not my favorite thing to do. I realized while in there that I had forgotten my bra which for me, is a pretty big deal.
With no bra and a t-shirt on I had to take the looong walk down the hall all 70s-style, praying I wouldn't run into anyone I knew. Without my bra on, no make up and wet hair I had easily gained 30, maybe 40 pounds. Easily.
Stupidest thing ever? No, this one is completely logical.
Today I tried turning that box in Mary's office around but it said the exact same thing on the other side.
Why is that box out to get me?!?
Rather than feel defeated, I doctored it up a little.
I'm going to continue to work on not being mean to myself. "Lovely" has a much nicer ring to it than "large" does.