In 1995, an incident in our neighborhood helped me understand the kind of stress that family caregivers of aging loved ones face each day. My husband Paul and I noticed a ruckus at the house down the street and discovered that the elderly man who lived there had died. The man and his wife, who was blind, were being cared for by an adult daughter in her late 40s or early 50s -- the age at which many family caregivers are looking after their parents.
The family had no other relatives so I offered to spend the night. The daughter had been holed up in the house as the only caregiver to her parents. Both she and her mother were so distraught. The adult daughter was unkempt and exhausted from her role as caregiver to her parents. She kept coming out of her bedroom to talk with me, and asked over and over: "What am I going to do?"
Since then, I've had the honor of hearing the highs and lows of many caregivers' personal stories through my work with Home Instead Senior Care®, the organization Paul and I started to provide seniors at-home care and companionship.
I wrote "Strength for the Moment" to share these compelling stories in a devotional guide that families can use to find strength in those moments when the burdens of caregiving seem overwhelming. The book is a collection of 52 real-life caregiving stories that touch on all aspects of caregiving. What I've gleaned from these stories and my work as a mentor to hundreds of family and professional caregivers is the importance of caregivers caring for themselves as they care for others. Here are 10 tips that can help.
- Ask for help: Caregiving can be very demanding of an individual's time and energy. Don't suffer in silence. Ask for assistance and share your story with others at StrengthfortheMoment.com.
- Be patient: I once asked Paul's grandmother what she thought was one of the most valuable pieces of advice she could give me for my family. "Patience" is all she said. That advice still helps me through every situation.
- Treat yourself: Schedule a foot massage, manicure, nice dinner out or a concert to take yourself away from the situation and to reward yourself for the wonderful care you are providing to your aging relative. You shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to feel good.
- Take a break: So many of the caregivers in the book tried to go it alone, which is impossible in a demanding caregiving situation. Take single days or even a week's vacation. And when you're away, stay away.
- Keep moving: Even if you don't like exercise and your time is limited, keep moving. Simply taking a brief walk or parking the car as far away as possible from the store door can help.
- Don't avoid the doctor: You can become so busy with your loved one's health and well-being that you neglect your own. A healthy you is worth more to your aging loved one than a sick, weak you.
- Avoid junk food: Junk food, sugar and caffeine are so tempting under stress. Instead eat plenty of fresh fruits, vegetables, proteins, including nuts and beans, and whole grains.
- Maintain a sense of humor: Sometimes humor is all you have, especially when dealing with a disease such as Alzheimer's. One family caregiver recalls his dad eyeing his favorite candy bar at the store. "When asked if he'd like one, Dad declined, but then could be seen slipping the treat into his pocket," the son said. "I felt like a parent who could barely contain laughter as their child misbehaves in the most hilarious way." When all else fails, laugh!
- Pray: In a recent survey of family caregivers conducted for the Home Instead Senior Care network, prayer was found to be one of the top coping mechanisms for those caregivers who repress their feelings. These caregivers know the value of prayer and meditation when life becomes overwhelming. Share your prayer requests with others at Strength for the Moment on Facebook.
- Look to God: These caregiving stories reinforced my belief that strong faith and a positive attitude can guide us through even the most difficult situations. When facing difficulty, we can rely on our faith to remind us that we are not alone and that God is in control.
Many baby boomers, often unexpectedly and for long periods, will likely be called to provide care for a loved one, and it is my hope that anyone could gain strength, encouragement and inspiration through the real-life caregiving stories on which this book is based.
Lori Hogan is the author of Strength for the Moment (2012), co-author of The Stages of Senior Care (2009), and co-founder, with husband Paul, of the Home Instead Senior Care® network, the world's largest provider of non-medical in-home care services for seniors, with more than 950 independently owned and operated franchises in 17 countries. A former Miss Nebraska USA, she is the mother of four and a mentor to hundreds of family and professional caregivers.
it is neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr gonna get better..............sad but reallllllllll.................
God bless u all.........and u will need Gods grace and help to get thru it.................
I'm an openly affectionate person and know that tactile communication, touching, hugging, gentleness and a soft word accompanied by patience and a sense of humor creates a bond that's both immensely beautiful and rewarding beyond measure.
On the other hand, as their health further declines and my grieving process goes into second and third gears, meditation becomes my salvation in more ways than one.
I wish all caregivers and their charges love, honor, dignity and peace.
bye hugs Danielle
FROM central Pa appalachian mountians and amish mennonite country where people are loving and caring :)
cares for us gives the strength to not only endure the problems I have.I cry at times but then
Jesus dries my tears.I wouldn't want to live in a world with out knowing God is watching
over me.I don't care what people say,I love my Lord..
When it comes to asking for help (item 1) a network is great for a caregiver. One of our recent posts at Senior Care Corner discusses 10 steps a caregiver can use to set up an effective network. The full post is at http://seniorcarecorner.com/10-steps-for-caregivers-to-build-a-strong-and-effective-network.
http://www.uhfnyc.org/publications/417469 It's called The TopTen Things Caregivers Don't Want to Hear ----and a Few Things They Do." Carol Levine
Regarding item #9, if a caregiver wants to pray on their own time, that would be fine, whatever floats your boat, or simply makes you imagine feelings of buoyancy. Additionally, if a patient specifically asks for prayer, meditation, etc, then the caregiver would be welcome to "join the party" sotospeak, but certainly not to the detriment of their other duties.
Regarding item #10, and I can't stress this enough, that a caregiver should look to an actual, existing, proven, tangible source of information, support, or relief when confronted with challenges on the job. Someone with actual credentials.
"Looking to a God" wouldn't cut it. You can read about Jesus or his dad's clinical abilities in Leviticus (burnt offerings) or the gospels (casting out demons). These two imaginary guys don't belong near any situation where there exists a possibility of clinical need.
When and if I wind up providing care for someone who believes -or who has a family member who believes - in the supernatural as a way to get comfort for themselves, are you suggesting that I fake my way through a prayer so they feel better? I can do that, especially since I do agree with your point that you should give a dying person the things that give them comfort.
By looking to "a god" for personal strength to get through the trying moments is all well and good, like I said before, whatever floats your boat, or convinces you to believe it isn't sinking quite so fast. My contention is with valuable time and human resources taken up with prayers, chants, incantations, etc., during a time when a more tangible effort - in a word - DO-ing absolutely anything - is more appropriate.
It sounds like your impression of your god (I'm assuming the Christian one) is not one that you'd get from reading a bible, where neither the father nor the son demonstrate anything that would give a body a warm, fuzzy feeling about their ability to make a clinical, or even a "healing" difference. Your impression sounds much more nebulous, lovey, and so on. That's great. Just don't substitute it for medical science when the chips are down.
Another thing to try;
take time to remember the good times.
Get yourself into the habit of verbalising your thoughts...
especially if you are alone with an elderly relative who has dimensia or alzheimers.
They may be aware of more than we realise...
and may think about what you say at some level.
They may remember some of your oral memories also,
or may be reacting and mentally living
thinking about the things you say you are doing during the day.
If there is a possibility of the same happening to you...
due to a family propensity towards it...
this practice may also keep your own mind more alert
and involved with the here and now and your day to day life.
This is actually a fun and rewarding project for everyone involved.
One of the most beautiful lessons I've learned from Human beings with dementia and Alzheimers?
They always remember love.
May you be remembered the exact same way.
1. Don't neglect devotional reading of Scripture. Time may be tight, but there is nothing more refreshing and encouraging than time in the word. I particularly commend Psalms and 1 Peter in the midst of suffering and trials.
2. Be in relationship and contact with others in your same situation. This especially important for those caring for a loved one with alzheimer's/dementia. Often the best source of information is someone else caring for a loved one with similar issues. They may have already gone through a phase that you are experiencing and can speak to strategies, duration etc. in ways professionals often cannot. Also they understand the unique pressures of the situation and are safe to share with.
3. caringbridge.org is a great way to communicate with people who are concerned when you don't have the time to talk or return calls. You really should check it out.
4. Have someone who is your point man to communicate your needs to your friends, family and church. Instead of saying "I need help" have a friend with a list who will say John/Jane needs the lawn mowed, someone to bring by a gallon of milk every Tuesday, a three hour respite on Saturday etc.
Being a family of faith, these suggestions are indeed SO very much appreciated!
Also, you did mention Psalms, though personally, Psalms 91 gives me the most comfort. God bless you and for excellent suggestions, fanned!
It's like an old episode of Star Trek. Remember how they would list three things that are real and then end with something completely made up?
Anything that works even if its not a real answer right?