I confess, there are two celebrity magazines on my counter and they both feature stories about Jon & Kate Plus 8. I admit, last year I didn't even watch the show. But now I do. Oh, yes, I've watched one of the twins leave her lunch box at home after being reminded repeatedly to take it with her to school. I've watched as their daughter Hannah had a mostly uncomfortable one-on-one play date with her parents and a horse. I've seen Kate speak lovingly to her husband.
Oops, scratch that last one. I actually haven't seen that. And I watched episodes produced before the tabloids broke the news of possible affairs. Make that, I've watched Kate try to boss her husband around, a lot.
Now, I've discovered I'm not alone in obsessing about the show. Lots of women are tuning into see Jon & Kate Plus 8. It seems we're watching with horrified fascination, like that old cliché, watching a train wreck. You want to turn away, but you can't.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 had record ratings for their season premiere recently. I asked some women in my life why are they so interested? The consensus is it is all about Kate. She seems to be a real-life-version of Annette Bening's character in the movie American Beauty. Kate is constantly trying to control and manage everything around her and to look good doing it. However, the audience is now discovering that as hard as she tries, Kate cannot control and manage her husband, her children, her own television show, or her image.
Here's the thing, Kate-trying-to-be-perfect-and-in-control... you're not. I know it's often hard to realize that when you're in your mid-thirties. It's a concept those of us in our forties often come to realize and eventually accept. We usually discover that right after our lives seem to unravel. Sometimes trying to make things look good on the outside really screws up things on the inside.
When I was a working mom in my thirties, I was always trying to control and "care for" others. Then seven years ago a therapist I know asked me what I did to take care of myself. When I replied that I worked, took care of my kids, exercised and volunteered he wasn't satisfied. He asked, "No, I mean what do you do to take care of yourself emotionally?"
I couldn't answer that question then, but I can now, thanks to a lot of work I've done on letting go of what I think is best for everyone. The perfectionist voices in my head have not left. But they are often drowned out by the laughter of my kids during our unscheduled time together, the roar of my motorcycle, or live music on a date-night with my husband. More and more women I know are learning to let go of their expectations and enjoy life as it comes at them. They're carving out real time for themselves and real communications skills with their loved ones.
There's a big difference between selfishness and self-care. Selfishness is when the ego is in charge and willing to throw those closest to us under the bus to look good. Self-care, on the other hand, raises our energy levels and our degree of introspection, so we can love ourselves, and our family members, and still have appropriate boundaries.
Kate, it's not too late. Get some therapy. Loosen the reigns of control. For heaven's sake, start having some fun and stop nagging your husband. And please if you really care about your marriage, don't go on another date with your husband to do dental care. That teeth whitening date was beyond belief. If you're going to do all of this in the public eye, take it all the way. Walk through the pain of having things fall apart and move into the healing phase. Do some real self-care and take the money you make from the show to create some quality time with your husband. Those of us in our forties are rooting for you. And we'll be watching again Monday night.