I started a business. It made me want to drink copious quantities, smoke myself into oblivion and hit my head against a brick wall. Instead I wrote a blog.
Following the blog yesterday, at least a dozen friends (Mums) pinged me on Skype. And their feeling was unanimous. For the scarring, the stress of pregnancy and the trauma of childbirth a man should have the opportunity to offer some sort of recompense - and as women, we should allow them to wipe the slate clean. Magnanimously.
So as a tribute to my friends and in general my female readers who secretly enjoy ranting just a little...this post diverges off the business blog theme. Enjoy. (My special thanks go to Hills who was most vocal in her 'ways to make him pay').
It's was a tough job to gather up enough chores that justified the burden of pregnancy, breast feeding-cracked-nippled-sleepless nights and - to be frank - the horrificly painful life-threatening humiliation that is childbirth (Oh sorry for splashing you with my amniotic fluid while you cleaned away my poo, Doctor), but here's what we came up with. Turns out there's a lot of pent up resentment out there.
To all those men wondering how you get get your beloved back to her sweet harmonious self, here's how:
- Changing all pooey nappies and cleaning baby spew. Especially whilst we're the ones responsible for breast feeding. We take care of what goes in. It's only fair you take care of what comes out.
- Teaching your child to eat solids/with cutlery. Cleaning the f*cking high chair. Every day. 3 times a day.*
- Picking snot out of their noses with a finger nail or sucking it out with that gross nose de-snotter.
- Emptying the nappy bin with all the stale rotting stinking poo.
- Knowing- just knowing ONE TIME - what size nappy baby takes/what to dress baby in/what local activities are available for baby on certain days.
- Taking on cooking and cleaning adequately until the household returns to normal (around the 6 month mark) at which time you can teach the child to eat properly (see number 2).
- Not prioritizing your shit, shower and shave in the morning when we've been up all night. We look shit. We need you to look shit too. In fact we need you to look worse.
* To add to cleaning up the highchair - before you get to that stage you have to slave on the kitchen for at least half an hour before serving a meal to your child who inevitably won't eat it throw it all over your kitchen, you and themselves. So before cleaning that high chair you have to clean the many kitchen utensils you used to cook non eaten meal, clean the child, clean yourself, clean the floor. Then the highchair. Only to repeat this a few hours later.