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Rejected Analogies for Rick Perry's New Campaign Ad

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RICK PERRY AD IOWA CULTURE WARS
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In Rick Perry's most recent Christmas-themed campaign video, "Strong," he wonders how it's possible that Obama has allowed gay people to serve openly in the military, while at the same time, children cannot openly celebrate Christmas and/or pray in schools.

It's a unique analogy. But what you might not know is that Perry went through a host of others before his campaign managers insisted he settled on this one. Below are some of the rejected analogies uncovered from his personal notebook.

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If gay soldiers are allowed to serve openly in the military, why aren't public school teachers allowed to wear Santa Claus hats in class?

If gay soldiers are allowed to serve openly in the military, why aren't children allowed to bring a bagged lunch to school filled with Christmas cookies, which they place discreetly around the cafeteria so everyone can see?

If gay soldiers are allowed to serve openly in the military, schools should use Christmas trees instead of desks.

If gay soldiers are allowed to serve openly in the military, why can't we expel students who are allergic to pine needles, or complain that their desks are Christmas trees?

If gay soldiers are allowed to serve openly in the military, why aren't nativity scenes built in the entryway of every public school so children could conceivably hold study hall inside the manger?

If gay soldiers are allowed to serve openly in the military, churches should be called schools and schools called churches, so that children are confused, and don't know when they're going to school and when they're going to church.

If gay soldiers are allowed to serve openly in the military, tell me we shouldn't build an electric wall on our border, on top of an electric fence, guarded by lions wearing Christmas scarves.

If gay soldiers are allowed to serve openly in the military, there must be a mandatory Secret Santa for students of all religious backgrounds, with no cap on prices for presents, so that the richest students become the most popular children of all!

If gay soldiers are allowed to serve openly in the military, why are ornaments so fragile? (Rick Perry's note to self: "Best one so far.")

If gay soldiers are allowed to serve openly in the military, why aren't children allowed to sing "Deck the Halls" for their history class, instead of presenting a Power Point presentation on the Peloponnesian War?

If gay soldiers are allowed to serve openly in the military, Christmas sweaters should be worn openly by principals of every public school.

If gay soldiers are allowed to serve openly in the military, why can't a child compliment the principal on his or her Christmas sweater, and why can't the principal then say, "Thank you for complementing me on my Christmas sweater," so that the child is reminded that the sweater is not simply multi-colored and ill-fitting, but also celebrates the birth of Christ?

If gay soldiers are allowed to serve openly in the military, then that principal -- the one with the Christmas sweater -- must be given an award for being the Best Principal In The World, which I will present.

If gay soldiers are allowed to serve openly in the military, we should leave all our lights on in the house and plug as many devices into the walls as possible before we go outside, because the energy crisis is absurd, and this will prove it.

If gay soldiers are allowed to serve openly in the military, why can't children drape Christmas lights around their neck and parade around town proclaiming, "I am the Christmas king!" TELL ME THAT, AMERICA? TELL ME WHY NOT?

(Campaign manager's note below: "I'm worried about you, Rick. Are you OK? Please see me as soon as possible.")