Call me crazy, but this year I want to do something different for Halloween.
Historically, Halloween has been a time for ghouls and goblins and scary front yard decorations, and its roots lie in Pagan rituals of the past. It's a holiday with celebrated horror films attached to its name, such as the eponymous 'Halloween' films, which follow a brutal murderer with a mask who terrorizes young people, as well as Jamie Lee Curtis. It's a time when creepy haunted houses open their doors to the public, with frightening monsters that jump out at you from all sides.
This is why I'm going to mix things up, and dress up as something sexy.
Here's the thing: nobody else is going to be dressed sexy, and I want to stand out. It's so important to try to be unique on Halloween, otherwise you'll just end up looking like everybody else at the party, and that's always frustrating. I want to win the costume contests, while at the same time turning heads. This is why dressing as something sexy makes so much sense.
But I can't be a sexy person, that's boring. It has to be a sexy something. But what? And how? I've gone down an extensive list -- sexy Gumby, sexy dinosaur, sexy professional baseball player Wade Boggs, sexy jack-o-lantern, sexy plant, sexy Paul Krugman, sexy sandwich, sexy Matthew Perry, sexy janitor, sexy ghost -- and all of them have pros and cons. But who am I kidding? All of these seem idiotic compared to one.
The genius seems to spill out from all sides. Simply writing it down affirms that I am the smartest person in the history of Halloween.
Think of all those chumps running around out there this weekend -- your zombies and mad scientists and Jasons from Friday the 13th. Do you think anyone else has even thought of going as a Sexy Cat? Has anyone ever breached that level of the genius cave?
A friend of mine told me she was going to dress as Zombie Kerri Strugg, a zombie version of the 1990s Olympic champion. Sure, that's all well and good, but what happens when I walk into the room, dressed as an incredible Sexy Cat? You will cry, the whole lot of you. Cry as you wonder why you didn't think of it first.
Making a cat costume will be tough, but I think I can pull it off with some whiskers and cat ears, both of which I can make myself. Then it's just a matter of picking a sexy outfit to wear on my body. I could go ahead and cover myself head-to-toe in fur, but that's what everyone will be expecting. Instead, I'm just going to wear people's clothes that are tight and ill-fitting.
I'm imagining something black and slimming and see-through, something that reveals my actual, human body, contrasting nicely with the animal-inspired cat ears and whiskers. The costume is multifaceted, which I like.
So this weekend, look out for the Sexy Cat. It's going to win all the contests and be in all the photographs you post on Facebook on Monday.
It's going to be Purrr-fect.
Get it? That's a joke that works because I'm going to Halloween as a Sexy Cat.
Follow Lucas Kavner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/lucaskavner