I suppose it's an occupational hazard. It happens regularly. First, there's a moment of awkwardness. They recognize, but can't place me. Then it hits them: I am the judge on Divorce Court, and that's when it begins. People start telling me about their own divorce.
Of course, all of their stories star the very same trinity of evil: their jerk ex, his or her vulture attorney, and that idiot judge. I swallow hard on that last one but don't take it personally. Though each story has a life of its own, there is usually a common theme, and it is not, as one might imagine, their anger over who got what when it was over. Instead they tell me about the overwhelming sense of lack of control they felt during the process.
I can't say I blame them. At one of the most vulnerable moments in their lives, they get dumped into a legal process they know very little about. And then, in this foreign place, they are asked to disassemble their lives. They must reduce the most important aspects of their existence to a few pieces of paper that will define not only their marital status, but much of what they have, where it is they will live and how often they can see their own kids.
It often leaves the parties feeling, at best, unheard and sometimes downright abused.
Few things are more difficult than untangling lives that have been intertwined on every level for years in a manner that feels equitable to all involved. Laws can never adequately address all of the nuances of everyday life and the entire range of human behavior.
So what happens? Unfortunately, in order to achieve resolution, the law is often forced to make generalizations with respect to what is fair. Which makes most states' answer to "how do we end this?" seem somewhat arbitrary. While there's not much one can do about the inherent inadequacy of the system to deal with the emotional side of divorce, there are things you can do to lessen its impact.
It is important to understand the law in your area and come to terms with it. Concentrating on how unfair it is will not help. Knowing when and where the judge has discretion will.
Understanding the law before you wed yourself to a position will allow you to establish realistic goals. This, in turn, will help keep you from wasting emotional capital on things you cannot change and assist you in focusing more productively on those you can.
Importantly, ADR can work even when a divorce is not amicable. Divorce mediators are trained in de-escalating hostilities and dealing with angry and uncooperative spouses. Of course, if The War of the Roses has already broken out, mediation may not be the way to go. But some animosity is anticipated and is often handled well.
ADR can take several forms. Along with mediation there is collaborative divorce, a process in which both parties are represented by counsel. The point is, ADR is a viable and increasingly available option that can leave you with a greater sense of control.
In the end, remember the judicial process is really only designed to do two things: be fair in implementing the law as it exists and provide resolution to the parties.
That being said, just as the judicial system has two goals, so should you. While seeking a favorable legal outcome you should also actively pursue emotional resolution. However, sometimes in order to achieve the latter, you may have to redefine the former. Freedom and peace of mind have a value all their own. And at the end of the day, no matter what I or some other idiot judge says about what you take when you leave, the point is you really can live happily ever after -- even after this.
The decision to divorce is not easily reached. Our traditional divorce process of each side getting attorneys and litigating the end of the relationship only serves to reinforce the conflict and hostility already present in the relationship. The litigation process contributes to the damage some (including kids) experience as a result of the divorce. Hopefully as more couples recognize they have the option of choosing to divorce without blaming one another, more couples, faced with divorce, can part ways peacefully and positively.
As a mediator I believe that couples are the experts in their relationship, and they should be the ones that create the terms under which the divorce proceeds. Divorce mediation should be the first choice for most couples. If it doesn't work then they can turn to fighting it out with lawyers - nothing to lose by trying mediation first but everything to gain.
NO Media or women's group would even review, much less report on case, so only advise I can give to women is NEVER divorce in AR as good ole boys rule. The facts shock most, and we are told "they cannot do that" but THEY DID.
After trying repeatedly to the bottom of the conflict, I finally stopped them. "Oh, wait, each of you wants me to tell you that you are the person who is right, and the other person is wrong!"
They admitted to this readily (at least I got that much honesty). When I asked them to list three things the other person was *right* about, all they could write down was backhanded compliments. And that quickly degenerated into a fight where they took back every backhanded compliment.
I finally told them to get out, and break up.
Mine started out amicable, and then custody subsequently turned adversarial a year later and stayed that way. The first case, I was an emotional basketcase - nothing made sense. I took it personally that the ex lied and got away with it, I was personally hurt when the Judge sided against me. It was the single most difficult thing I had ever gone through, and I emotionally fought the "injustice" of it all.
Afterwards, I got a therapist that specialized in folks who were in high conflict divorces, began reading the statutes, case outcomes. I still personally think the adversarial court system is no place for family law - but it's the system we got. Trying to fight against the extreme power it has over you and struggling against it is worthless, and makes everything more difficult.
You want it to change, lobby your legislature. When you're in it, it goes much easier when you sit down and accept that it's got the power, you don't. If you can't accept that, if you let that indignity eat away at you, it's miserable.
The second custody case was actually much worse than the first (felony child abuse charges against the ex, CPS involved, the whole nasty nine yards), but I was much calmer through that one because of the peace I had made with the process.