I first heard it from attorneys who typically represent men in a divorce. I then began to see it in the cases that came before me. I remember the attorney who first mentioned it to me some ten years ago, he leaned back in his chair at a conference on divorce and said, "It never ceases to amaze me how many men come to me with their jaws on the floor saying they never saw it coming."
Now, I am witnessing it in my own social circles. All around me long-term marriages are coming to an end. And as the studies show many of those jumping ship are women.
Not only am I seeing a rash of fleeing women all around me, I also see what I first ascertained years ago: That a fairly significant number of men--especially in longer term marriages--never saw their divorces coming. There was, they say, no warning, no build up, no escalating tensions, just an unexpected, non-negotiable and seemingly unprovoked decision to leave.
Of course, this is not the norm. Most marriages careen into a ditch after traversing a noticeably bumpy road. Likewise, there are women who are surprised when their husbands decide to leave, but what I am talking about here is that not-so-small group of guys who are caught flat footed by their wives sudden and seemingly unexplained departure.
As with everything involved with the human condition, there is no one reason for any trend. But after having witnessed it from the bench and in my own backyard and from reading what I can, I do see one common mistake both men and women are making that seems to rear its head in a number of these unexpected abandonment cases. I mention it here because I think it ends some very salvageable marriages.
I call it "The False Okay." I think a lot of women tell the very same lie for years on end. They say "okay" when they don't mean it. They tell their husbands, "everything's fine," even when it's not. "Keeping the peace" is what they call it. They are, they tell me, getting through the day. It is all about the argument they simply do not want to have.
I think there is a whole group of women out there who don't do well with conflict. They are the ones with a happy husband because he always gets what he wants and she doesn't seem to mind. But what he doesn't see are all of the collected hurts stored up in her emotional closet. Not because she doesn't ever get what she wants but because that lopsided equation makes her feel unloved.
The next thing you know, the kids are gone, as is her best reason to put up with it. The sad thing is he doesn't know there is a problem and she doesn't know how to change the script. "This is who he is," she thinks, "a guy who doesn't care at all about my needs and wishes."
I hear it all of the time. She's sick of being the giver. Sick of being unappreciated. It is not a sexy cause, because both parties bear some blame. It is not the only cause. But it is the one I hear most often when there is an unexpected departure by a woman later in the marriage. She thinks getting her needs heard, not to mention met, is a hopeless thing.
So she goes.
Lynn Toler presides over the syndicated court program, "Divorce Court" and the author of My Mother's Rules.
Recently, after listening and offering a little advice, I asked her if she could name two people that I worked with. She couldn't do it. And I've been there three years now and have often come home with stories and concerns of my own.
That said, through personal experience I'm often very surprised at the power of denial.
One of my closest friends is a now divorced man. I've known him for years and see him as a generous, good-hearted guy who just happens to be exceptionally stubborn, unyielding and he hears what he wants to hear. For all of his good qualities, I know him as a man who is quick to tell people what THEY think (or what they should think) and it's rare that he will take people's feelings into consideration when they don't match his own. As a friend, I can walk away and take a break when I'm annoyed but, in all honesty, I couldn't imagine being his wife. When his wife left him, he was stunned and said he didn't see it coming but all of us on the outside knew it was a matter of time that the dismissiveness towards her feelings and opinions, inability to just let her 'be', and his lack of emotional support and air of superiority towards her would take its toll.
He saw what he wanted because it was in his favour. She left because she was alone in their relationship.
At the same time I believe each partner has a responsibility to communicate his or her needs to the other.
In my first marriage I was a doormat and my ex-husband treated me like one. I was always trying to please him with the hope that someday things would be different. When I finally left, after he had a sexual relationship with a 15 year-old, I was crushed and angry. But eventually I came to take ownership of my own behavior. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. I don't excuse abusers at all and I don't blame victims. I simply found the strength not to be a victim anymore.
In my current marriage, we are equal partners who care and respect one another. My husband thinks I'm brilliant, talented, and beautiful. I think he's the best man I know, smart, and athletic. His sense of justice is the most well developed I think I've ever known.
One last thing: As I read these comments I see a pattern of people talking negatively about their spouses. In my view that is a form of emotional infidelity. If a husband or wife has something negative to say about his/her spouse, that should only be shared with the spouse. Those vows are supposed to mean something. If I don't have my husband's back, who will? And if he doesn't have mine, who will?
I am often disillusioned by the negative comments on HP articles on divorce (others have mentioned that they find it odd that the thrust is divorce rather than relationship health; I concur) because it's as if the only intelligent response to having had relationship/marital trouble is to avoid ever truly loving and/or committing to someone again. And THAT is wisdom?
Glad to see, onwisconsin, that you are happy in your present marriage. Good for you for recognizing that you were the one who had to take ownership of validating your worth.
You made an interesting point: each partner has a responsibility to communicate his or her needs to the other. I wholeheartedly agree; I find myself annoyed when women friends say about their boyfriends/husbands "Well, if he loved me, he'd know X". Huh? Is he supposed to be a mind-reader? I don't think that's fair (and, personally, I loathe guessing games).
Having said that, in the situation to which I referred, I can honestly say I KNOW she communicated what she felt...unfortunately, my friend (the male) would dismiss her comments and even resort to telling her what SHE thought. He heard -- but was incapable of listening because it didn't suit him. We were all surprised that he was so surprised she left. She was no doormat but she was patient; she wanted the marriage to work (many do when kids are involved) but she decided if she was going to be alone anyway, with no emotional support and/or acknowledgement, she may as well be single. In her shoes, I would have made the same choice.
On your other comment, I agree...SO much negativity! I know of many (myself included) who have ended relationships because of the same thing: if he has a problem with me, I should hear it first.
Would that men who do this to the woman in their life would read this and wake up. That's probably asking too much--especially since it's doubtful they'd be reading about relationships anyway.
Men, when you have a good woman, tell her so--most of us need to be reminded that we find favor in your eyes and heart. It gives energy to our happiness.
You did yourself a favour by exiting a relationship in which you were alone -- may someone who is deserving of you come your way soon!
When someone chooses to be closed and secretive, there isn't much you can do, especially if you tend to take people at face value and believe what they say. Sometimes there are specific reasons for not being open. My wife was sexually abused as a child and further sexually assaulted as a teenager, and was left deeply scarred. But she lived her life assuring me everything was fine, and I guess I believed her. I realize now that she needs serious help with these issues. Now that she is gone, I hope she will realize it too.
The topic is not "why women are such horrible B*tches...or how they destroy men's lives.
The topic is WHY do men not see divorce coming.
I've observed all sorts of marital relationships in my lifetime...few of them being the deeply devoted, through thick and thin unions that we all hope for. I've witnessed bad behavior from both sides, including substance issues, abuse, but most often, neglect. Marriage is not a silk plant, that you need to occasionally dust off. Like anything valuable in life, it requires care, and participation.
When you are in a relationship long term...and I think 20 years qualifies, you sustain yourself with the idea that if you need something, you actually might be able to get it...in this case, emotional support, or cooperation. But if 20 years has passed and you still find yourself "doing it yourself", you start feeling like a single parent, NOT a partner. When everything you do is now expected, instead of special in any way...you suddenly understand its not going to change...ever. What you have with a spouse is what you will get...period.
The person who is getting what they need never sees it coming...
If both expect fidelity, and get it...lovely.
If one kicks the traces, and expects to maintain the relationship...not so much.
I've seen men and women enter into marriage as couples others envied...but end up at odds in unreasonable ways. Expectations on both sides can be illogical...and no one can live up to being someone Else's "everything". People can and do change...not always for the better. It's not comforting when you feel absolutely miserable and alone, and the person you promised your "forever" to, says "tough luck".
I have met many woman with the perfect guy at home that cheat constantly. They need the rush, passion and excitement of a new relationship. Many women are married to men that they were not passionate about. He was the guy who asked and made her dream come true of being a bride and a for some a mom. Once that becomes boring its over, women with a since of duty poor there energy into their kids. Children grow up and there is no reason to stay.
These are the marriages that end and the guy has no clue. She was bored. The misconception is that men love the chase, that is small group. Women are addicted to the fantasy of the perfect prince who will sweep them off there feet and meet there every want and desire. Until they get bored or realize he doesn't understand her on a deep enough level.
Are you suggesting there are no women out there who don't do well with conflict? She wasn't suggesting that those women are in the majority. She said, "I think there is a whole group of women out there who don't do well with conflict." And there very likely is. That doesn't that those are all, most, or even a large minority of women. Those (most if the women you know, apparently) who do well with conflict are not who she is talking about, and they are certainly a lot more likely to leave their former husbands wondering why they left if they don't say anything due to conflict avoidance.
Then one day we cannot stand it any more and we bail out. We usually say something before but men do not get it because they are doing everything to check all the "good husband" boxes. And of course, everyone criticizes our lack of committment which means we just happened to be strong enough to say "no" to more misery.
Marriage is obviously easier for men for some reason. So many men think there is no problem and many of the women I know are not happy. In fact, I have gotten to the point that I think the couple in which both say they really do love each other, and feel fulfilled in the relationship and are staying for reason other than the kids and "vows" seems rare. Most people seem to be just sticking it out for some perceived reward at the end of the day.
I hope those people get the gold medal and into heaven.
2. Some people are not happy, or even content no matter how much is done for them. Maybe you know a few.
3. Sometimes you get what you give.
And that's not really the first time I've encountered that. Women are very big into saying one thing while meaning another, that's not what I would call "quality communications" in any manner of the term.
On the other hand, when you're talking about two guys being together and not saying much, it's because men communicate better with one another; they don't have to say much. On more than one occasion, I have worked in a situation where I worked every day-- day-in-day-out --with a certain partner/coworker at a job, and have gotten into a groove with them where we could go all day and never say a word, but we both knew what the other one wanted and needed done.
I'm sure women have experienced the same thing, which goes to prove that there has to be a large degree of friendship/camaraderie to bring about real communication. Loving someone isn't enough, you have to like them too. When that goes, the whole thing comes toppling down.