Ask Maddisen: How to Experience Fuller Love & Deeper Sexual Intimacy

06/13/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

Dear Maddisen:
I don't have any interest in sex with my significant other. How can we get the fire back? Regards, LF

Dear LF,

First, congrats on longing for love! Yes, that's right, you're on track!

It means you're highly interested in fuller love and greatly desiring to experience it. Your longing will lead you into the loving. And if you were my private client, I might even have you spend a few minutes enjoying that longing, because longing itself can be healthy if you don't dwell in it and make it your goal, and instead use it as fuel to propel yourself into the fuller loving and intimacy you desire.

Also realize that your longing for fuller love has led you here to the answer, so give yourself a hug. And if you need to say a few self forgiveness phrases (which you learned about in my earlier column), do that now.

What about the loss of interest in sex with your significant other? Since you're asking how you can both get the fire back, I'm going to assume that this opportunity for growth is mutual.

As I see it, there are two reasons for this. Either 1) the chemistry of attraction is simply not present between you two, or 2) your fires of attraction have been temporarily dampened.

If you sense that there is no sexual attraction, you might explore it more deeply by enlisting assistance from a life coach or counselor who is skilled in this area, or there simply may be no sexual chemistry. Although this answer can be quite sobering and frightening initially, it is a possibility. Know that ultimately, this honest discovery can lead to healthy change for you both. However, if you sense that there is still sexual attraction between you, but something has dampened it, then the following information should help.

Based on personal experience and on the experiences of clients and friends, I've noticed that the decrease in sexual attraction and sexual activity between significant others may be caused gradually and unconsciously over time by a sort of neutralizing or melding of the male and female energies. I say male and female energies because this can happen in any love partnership regardless of gender and heterosexual or homosexual preference.

You might say, familiarity breeds content! Somehow, your male and female polarities have been neutralized, and you've become couch buddies. Not good. Save that for your knitting club. Or you've become indifferent. Not good either. Save that for your in-laws!

If you sense that the sexual attraction is still present underneath the hustle and bustle of your daily lives, try this: beef up your sexual polarities to juice up your relationship. In other words, follow nature's lead and experience the bliss of oneness by behaving as complementary opposites! We're equal, we're one spiritually, but we're not the same, and if we want to get the attraction back into our relationships, we must acknowledge, revel in, and animate our natural masculine and feminine differences.

What might that look like? Simply put, the female must move more fully and dominantly into her female energy, and the male must move more fully and dominantly into his male energy. The masculine pole represents energy that is more purpose-driven, focused, self-disciplined, and goal-oriented. The male creates a safe container or form within which the female can freely move and express. The feminine pole represents energy that is more open, flowing, intuitive, radiant, and spontaneous. The female represents pure expression of birth, life, inspiration, and motion.

For the male partner, this may mean behaving in a more assertive way without being overly aggressive or controlling. For the female partner, this may mean behaving in a more loving and unrestricted way without being overly submissive. If it looks like something you and your partner want to experience, take some time to talk about, envision, and feel into how you might each animate your innate masculine and feminine qualities.

Remember, this is not a game of weak and strong or right and wrong; this is about moving more fully into the sexual poles into which we are born, in a way that honors and celebrates our differences. It's a win-win and potentially electrifying game of love!

I also want to mention, just as with yin and yang, where the complementary opposites form a greater whole and each contains a little bit of the other, the same is true for females and males - we each possess both masculine and feminine qualities. This suggests that we all can and do move between the feminine and masculine energies and associated behaviors, which brings up a whole new supplement to this conversation, so for now - YOU decide who's who and when!

If you're struggling to wrap your noodle around all of this, you're not alone. Take a deep breath, and know that this is a rich topic. This is an introduction to what may become a new practice for some of you, so be patient, loving, and respectful of one another as you gain mastery in this exciting experience of intimacy, mutual joy and satisfaction.

For more ideas about sexual polarities and intimacy, I recommend reading David Deida's books, specifically "The Way of the Superior Man". Don't let the title fool you - it's meant for women just as much as it is for men, and an easy yet provocative read. His website is: David is a renowned teacher in the ways of intimacy. Other ways for exploring and expressing the sexual polarities might include Pole Dancing classes for women, or the ManKind Project for men, etc.

And so, my dear LF and all of my readers, may your healthy longing for love propel you into the rich experience of the fuller loving you so naturally desire.

Your Coach, Maddisen

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