Here's a question from one of my readers about dating at midlife after divorce.
I'm a midlifer, divorced, with 50 percent custody of two great teenagers and in the dating circuit. I'm on a few dating websites, which at times keeps me busy, but most of all keeps me a bit boggled and confused. Why do I get the distinct impression that I'm attracting women who have my mother's undesirable traits? Any sagely advice?
Great question. I'll do my best to offer up some sagely and usable advice.
Most likely, it's your unconscious mind that is attracting women who have traits like your mother. Therefore, the first step is for you to get very conscious about what you do not want and then what you do want. In getting clear like this, you'll shed light on the formerly unconscious undesired traits and confirm the consciously desired traits, which will directly support you in attracting and selecting the partner who embodies the qualities that align with who you truly are and what you truly desire. This exercise may also help you clarify the life lessons in this area that you are ready to learn and complete.
What Do You NOT Want?
Get clear about the qualities you do not want in your partner, especially the undesirable traits of the parent or caretaker whose qualities were showing up in your dates. RB, in this case, it would be your mother.
Grab a pad or your computer. At the top of the page write, "These are the qualities, traits, and behaviors I do not like or want in myself or my partner. As I write them down, I am releasing these unwanted qualities from myself and from all future partners and relationships, for the highest good of all concerned."
List all of the qualities you do not desire in yourself and your partner. Take your time, let it roll, and be sure to articulate the parent's or caretaker's traits that you dislike.
What Do You WANT?
Get clear about the qualities you do want and desire in your partner.
Grab a pad or your computer. At the top of the page write, "These are the qualities, traits, and behaviors I do want in myself and my partner. As I write them down, I am attracting and experiencing these desired qualities in myself and in all my future partners and relationships, for the highest good of all concerned."
List all of the qualities you do desire in yourself and your partner. Enjoy this list of what you desire to have in your life. Read, picture, feel, enjoy, and embody these qualities.
32 Day Process -- Consciously Choosing Your Mate
Take a temporary break from the dating sites. You can go back after you complete the 32-day process. In most cases, you can simply "hide" your profile on the dating site without having to cancel your subscription. I know because I've done this process myself!
Read the list of qualities you do want every day for 32 days. Before you read them each day, considering saying, "I am willing to see, accept, and complete all lessons that I'm ready to learn for my highest good and the highest good of all concerned."
With your list of desired qualities in front of you, feel them, visualize them, and speak them out loud if you like. Make a game of practicing these positive qualities while you're alone and with others.
Remember, like attracts like.
After you complete the 32-day process, you can re-launch your online dating activities and make your profile visible once again. When you get back on the matchmaking sites, keep your list of desired qualities on hand. Read the qualities before you log on and while you browse on the sites. Make it your goal to be consciously aware of and choosing who you desire to spend time with.
Practice Conscious Living and Loving
And so, RB and all of my readers, use this exercise to practice making conscious decisions about the positive qualities you seek in yourself and others. Stop letting your unconscious rule your life, pick your partners, and cause you unhappiness and suffering. Be a victor and not a victim of your choices and your actions, as you practice and gain mastery at the conscious living and loving that you came here to enjoy.
Your Life Coach,
Copyright 2012 Maddisen K. Krown M.A.
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