Here's a question I received from a reader about his midlife crisis:
I'm 51. I've reached some of my goals, but there is so much more I expected to achieve by this age, and I'm just wondering if it's worth it. I'm losing steam. Is it too late for me?
First, the answer is a big "No! It is not too late!" Until you die, it is never too late to live.
As a MidLife Empowerment Coach, my job is to remind clients that life is meant to be lived fully at every age, and that it's never too late to have and manifest heartfelt goals, and then to coach them in reaching those goals. In fact, once we move into midlife, which I define as the years between 40 and 65, it's more important than ever to have and actively pursue meaningful goals. Why? Because this is often the time when many people begin to lose hope, or even give up on the idea of a purposeful and rewarding life. Therefore, the pursuit of valued goals is a powerful and highly effective way to naturally fuel our lives forward in genuine hope, fulfillment and eagerness for more life.
While studying for my master's degree in psychology, I read selected works of Erik Erikson, the Danish-German-American developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst known for his theory on human social development. He identifies this midlife age stage as "middle adulthood," in which the main conflict is "generativity vs. stagnation," the main question is, "Will I produce something of real value?" and the virtue is "care." Care, in this context, is very potent when we see it as care for the well being of self, our loved ones, society and the earth as a whole. Generativity relates to ways of living that support higher social values and help to guide future generations. In contrast, stagnation relates to ways of living that lack productivity and do not help the positive evolution of society at large.
When clients first come to me, it's often because they have given up, on some level, in one or more areas of their lives, and are seeking help in moving out of stagnation and discouragement into more productive, rewarding and inspired lives. The good news is that the clients who deliberately choose generativity reach their goals and live more inspired lives than ever before.
I feel great compassion for those of us whose time has come to pass through this natural valley of midlife. It's not for the faint of heart. It takes hope, courage, strength, confidence, persistence, patience, resilience, a sense of humor, and a high level of awareness to navigate this awe-inspiring time of life, which is admittedly also a time when we may face a multitude of unconscious critical voices, the insidious opinions of the misinformed, unwelcome physical transformations, surprising life changes and a host of other challenging dragons. This is also why I teach and encourage the regular practice of self-forgiveness, the life saving elixir of midlife champions.
But do we really have a choice? Yes, we can consciously and deliberately choose Life. The other choice is stagnation, which leads to atrophy, which leads to what I call "living death." Why not save death for last?
Goals keep us inspired, and when we're inspired we create goals, and when we create our goals, we feel inspired, in perfect symbiosis. This is one of the simplest yet most profound remedies for midlife crisis. In fact, there is no crisis, but rather opportunities for more choices and more life.
As Robert Byrne so aptly stated, "The purpose of life is a life of purpose." Dear readers, the real truth is that midlife is a natural stage of life, and potentially the richest, fullest and most rewarding time of life. So, really there's no need to panic, because midlife is truly organic.
Welcome. Now keep going!
Your Life Coach,
Maddisen
Copyright 2011 Maddisen K. Krown, M.A.
Follow Maddisen K. Krown on Twitter: www.twitter.com/maddisenk
Heidi Grant Halvorson, Ph.D.: 9 Things Successful People Do Differently
Starbucks at 40: No mid-life crisis for stock
HELEN DENNIS: What crisis? Midlife brings opportunity for change, growth
Midlife crisis is more hype than truth
HELEN DENNIS: Midlife crisis can bring on obsessive thoughts of mortality
I read every one, and I learn from them all.
It helps me to keep my pulse on what is real and what is important, and how I can further support our individually unique midlife crossings.
my husband is looking at his next career too, and taking an early retirement from the job that's afforded us the luxuries of excellent health insurance and a terrific retirement package, as well as allowing us sufficient income to have a parent at home for so long.
if all goes as planned, our retirement will hopefully be less of a time to 'relax until it's time to get sick and die' and more of a 2nd shot at living out the dreams we deemed too risky to go after while we had kids to care for and college educations to buy.
50 is still young! to me it's like the new 21, the key to the clubs where the real fun is. =)
I don’t understand when people look forward to not working; who wish to “relax†and enjoy life in retirement. First, that they spent all of those years apparently not being happy is so very sad and such a waste, and second, it is an illusion that “relaxation†is the purpose of retirement or the path to joy, because the potential and possibilities that often remain are wasted.
I just received my first retirement check, and I am eagerly diving into this next phase of my journey, fully aware of the ups and downs ahead. Developing a program, finishing my book and adding to my blog, speaking to those who will listen, and affecting change where I can in an area I believe important to improve the fabric of our society: that’s purpose; that’s living.
Your work is a example of a life filled with value: helping those who are often hidden from the mainstream view to “consciously and deliberately choose Life†and realize some level of value in their journey, so they can live a life of purpose, and make Robert proud.
With sincere gratitude for your article,
Lawson Meadows
It's interesting - I think I'm looking at the word "goals" to mean something in the work or Major Achievements line. I do a lot of the things you mention already - I write, draw (or photoshop stuff, these days) and have travelled overseas several times. But I don't think of those as goals, just things I do or things that have happened. I guess a good way to describe how I'm seeing the distinction is like the attitudes expressed on a writing site I'm with. There are the "real" writers who want to be published and won't be happy until they are, who are focussed on that one thing, getting a book out. Then there are the people they don't see as real writers, because they either aren't looking for publication or simply aren't driven to write 24/7 and join every writing class that's going. Now, I'm definitely in the latter category: publication would be nice but it's a hell of a job and not one I really want to get involved with. There it is - "goals" tends to be synonymous with "ambitious" or "driven" in my mind, like a job, and that is just not how I am. I'm just living life. :)
Take note, young women...it is not true! My own story and that of other women I know who have MANY goals have also discovered wonderful men after, 30 40, 50....
Learn to be self sufficient and make yourself happy by giving to others. The rest just seems to fall into place.
To tell the truth, after 30 years I was bored. Now I have something new.
But lately I seem so hungry to reach my goals, the question is moot. I want to succeed, and I'm sure any time that I could have been leafing through O magazine on the patio with a glass of wine at 10 a.m. is time well lost.
Actually, there is more to the whole sad sordid story, but suffice to say that after raising 6 kids, and always being employed, I did not expect to be fighting for survival at this age.
Giving up hope ? Oh yes, its a struggle not to. Looking for a job again , being dependent after always being independent, and not being smart enough to have seen it coming and dodged. Self-loathing, self-blame, I've got it all.
A bit of advice, if your partner is not helping out at least 50/50 - get out ! Leave. Tell them to jump in a lake. Because this is just awful.
(5 years later, my husband and i are moving mother in w us & the kids at the end of this month, and she's happier and more confident the past 3 years than she ever was when she was married to my father... there IS a light at the end of that long, dark, tunnel. my heart goes out to you. good luck.)
As a young person fresh out of college, I didn't know all that I needed to know to maneuver in corporate America, so I don't think I've advanced as far as I could have. And now, as an older person, I have learned the real ways to advance in America, I don't think I care.
It has not all been a waste, however. I've earned a good living, which has allowed me to care for my family. My one child is living better than I did at her age, and I can teach her the things I didn't know or that my parents didn't know about the business world. One of the things I'm teaching her is to think about starting her own business instead of automatically going to work for someone else.
And because companies now think I'm too old to be hired full-time and/or in management positions, I am taking all that I've learned over the years and applying that knowledge to my own projects.
Time to move on. Their loss.
I am 57, and I am leaning on my adult kids to always be thinking about what they will want to do when the day arrives when they are injured, burned out, or fired late in life. I say, come up with ideas, build a network of contacts, and gorge yourself on any available training opps while you are young. Anything they are willing to teach you, learn. Update your resume' constantly. Always be thinking about how you can turn your skills into a work-at-home or work-from-home biz. Live modestly and save your money so you can afford to manage disaster, or walk away if you must, to save your mental health. Such is "productivity" earned in America these days :(
http://anyshinything.com/2011/03/08/goals-schmoals/
It is a fine line between surrender and resignation. Sometimes, life does that to us.
That one is going in my quote book.