Here's a question from a reader about navigating the initial shock of midlife:
Dear Maddisen:
OK, I get that I'm in midlife, and I want to make a difference and maybe even be happier. But how do I get past this feeling I've done something wrong? Like I'm a misfit now? Help!
This is an excellent question because it hits on a real sore spot that is fostered by a culture obsessed with youth. But not to worry, because it simply points out an imbalance, and one that we can equalize by how we perceive, honor and befriend ourselves as we walk along this well traveled path of midlife. Everyone, no matter what age, will eventually pass this way, so let's show 'em how it can be done with ownership, vitality and finesse.
You're not alone in feeling that you've done something wrong or that you're suddenly a misfit. I've been there myself, as have many of my clients. Why do we get these unpleasant feelings? It all depends on personal history, but they could stem from judgments we have about our accomplishments or lack thereof, from our own irrational beliefs about aging, from fears that our physical changes make us less attractive and valuable, etc. What's most important here, however, is not focusing on what's wrong but rather on solutions and the steps you can take to reclaim your birthright of power and joy, and move forward with your precious life.
There is a very potent and effective tool for releasing these hurtful perceptions, and it's called self-forgiveness. Self-forgiveness is one of the very first tools I share with clients, and it's usually the tool that causes the deepest healing and liberation from immobilizing feelings such as fear, anger, shame, unworthiness and self-criticism. Self-forgiveness softens our hard places, naturally releases self-criticism and self-judgment, and frees us to live our lives of greater purpose as our own greatest ally and supporter, which is what we came here to do in the first place.
In previous blogs, I've outlined a full three-step process of self-forgiveness. Now I'm introducing self-forgiveness on the fly, which you'll have handy at all times, no matter where you are or what you're doing.
Self-Forgiveness on the Fly
If you're alone and become aware of negative judgments or criticisms you are directing at yourself, or if you become aware of negative judgments or criticisms that you feel that other people are directing at you, say this phrase silently or out loud (whatever feels most comfortable): "I forgive myself for judging myself."
Anytime and anywhere you are, if you're feeling any negative judgment from yourself or from others, continue to repeat "I forgive myself for judging myself." If you're by yourself doing this, imagine the judgments passing overhead and disappearing like clouds in the sky. Don't analyze or mentalize any of it; just say "I forgive myself for judging myself" until you feel calmer or the judgments dissipate.
Try it right now. Make this your mantra for a while.
The Magic, 32-Day Commitment
Get out your calendar and commit to doing self-forgiveness on the fly for 32 days. Do this for 32 days in a row, starting this week. Write down your start date and end date, and get going! If you miss a day, forgive yourself for judging yourself, and then start over.
If you really want to feel better, you've first got to change what you're thinking, and a super effective way to change and improve your thoughts and your vibration is to practice better-feeling thoughts for 32 days in a row. After you complete the 32 days, reward yourself with kudos and maybe a favorite treat, and then continue practicing self-forgiveness regularly. Make it your soothing, liberating habit.
W. H. Murray said:
Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.
This powerful quote describes what happens when we commit to improving our lives, and the 32-day self-forgiveness process may be the express train that you've been waiting for.
So, there you have it: your first key lesson in midlife empowerment. Transform your mind into your greatest ally. Start practicing self-forgiveness today. Share your start dates and comments below. Remember this: when we release the shackles of judgment and accept where we are on the natural timeline of life, it frees us up to thrive, give our gifts and enjoy the rewards that all of this brings. As midlifers, may we continue to rise as self-respecting and empowered adults, expressing and sharing our great value with the world at large.
Your life coach,
Maddisen
Copyright 2011 Maddisen K. Krown, M.A.
Follow Maddisen K. Krown on Twitter: www.twitter.com/maddisenk
“When we’re young, we don’t really know – except intellectually, and even then we don’t really believe it – that we won’t always have endless energy or glow. When age forces us to see how much is now gone, we are shocked and hurt to realize all the things that are over and will not come again. But then something happens when the shock wears off…something subtle yet immense. What happens is counter to the thinking of the world. We’d always seen older people at dinner or at the theater, and we looked down on their diminished lives with pity. What we failed to realize – how could we then? – was that many of these men and women were existing in a parallel universe where they looked at us as the pitiable ones, having not yet realized what life was about or even really for. They were having, perhaps, more fun than we knew. They were seeing, perhaps, what we had not yet seen. What has happened now is that we’ve entered their room. And it isn’t what we had expected. It’s whatever we want it to be…†So I encourage you to see your value, see your gifts, take excellent care of yourself, and continue to heed and express your purpose and heartfelt desires as best you can.
-G
(dudesatmidlife.wordpress.com)
The Midlife Midwife(tm) and author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife.
www.thequeenofmyself.com
Indeed. Consider the alternative.
Hang tough, Linda.
I hit menopause early & it hasn't stopped me, thanks to my dearest & oldest BFF. She taught me that hot flashes were extra work outs & to go for a walk when they hit (you sweat more & cleanse your body quicker, thus losing weight). I learned bouts of 2am insomnia meant I can read more, quilt more, & clean my house in peace so the next day I can enjoy myself or concentrate better at work. I have foregone dressing for others, now I dress for myself. My style is now more carefree (yet still business-like for the office).
Within the last 4 years I've lost my dad, 2 brothers, 2 aunts, & 5 cousins. I don't mourn their deaths, I celebrate their lives. I also ended a long term relationship that no longer satisfied me. During this same time, I've gained a wonderful brother-in-law, 3 nieces, & the best job I've ever had. Yes, I do have my days, but they are few and far apart.
It's all about attitude. You can choose to wallow in dispair and pity or you can shrug off the old skin & reinvent yourself. Grab life by the horns & enjoy the ride!
"Everybody's got a choice. You can piss in your boots and whine about it or walk in dry socks."
I choose to walk in dry socks - and at 74 I look forward to hitting 3/4 of a century!
Good luck on hitting 75. After the 75 milepost, go for a century, AZreb!
I also recommend a therapist, and preferably a female one. You have everything to live for: you are now going to live for yourself. This is the time in our lives where it's our turn to take care of us. We've taken care of others for so long that we've neglected ourselves. No more. Put yourself first. You've earned it - and deserve it!
We make choices, right ones, and wrong ones, as simple as that, there is nothing to forgive or forget for that matter.
And there are a lot of feelings involved. For many men it is this sense of wasted effort, for many women it is a sense of "am I being selfish" ... and now a real feeling of having to start over.
And the real midlife crises we all with have multiple times are quiet ... transitions we put in place on our own. Not the struggle and drama on TV in the news.
If you can dream it .... you can make it happen ... and why not sooner rather than later.
My two cents,
Dike
http://www.threehourmidlifecrisis.com
I don't see it so much as "self forgiveness" ... whenever I look back at the key events of my life, I was doing the best I knew how at the time. Nothing to be forgiven. And now I have a lot more "water under my bridge" to make more conscious decisions this time around.
My constant companion is the question ... "what did I learn?" Closely followed by, "and what do I want to do now?"
I think the whole topic of "forgiveness" in this setting implies that one has done something "wrong" along the way. What I know is that I now see my programming and a bunch of things that were unconscious in the past are now clear to me ... I think that is what most people would call "wisdom" ... and it is one of those blessings that can only come with age and experience.
There's 2 more cents for you ... ;-)
Dike
http://www.threehourmidlifecrisis.com
You are you. You are not your parents, grandparents or so on into infinity.
If you want to fix something now--by all means do so. But don't blame your parents or grandparents for it unless they were monsters of inequity beyond anything considered average at the time.
And while it is true that we are all ourselves (to the extent that we can even KNOW ourselves, lrobb), we all act out/live out our lives within the context of our culture and family and...all the rest that goes into making us who we are.
Personally, at this age, if I were blaming parents or grandparents, I'd be pretty far behind. That is something the wise among us give ourselves permission to do, to work through, and to get over. That is not what I was referring to in the least.
So...not sure why you posted what you did.
Somewhere around 50 I discovered my broad mind and narrow waist had traded places. Probably because my kids had left home, and my husband was far too astute to comment that my wardrobe now consisted of tunic tops and pants.
The first thing I did was get rid of every mirror which showed more than my face. Then I got a treadmill, a set of free weights, a subscription to a mainstream magazine dedicated to healthful living, and decided NOW was the time to take my business mainstream.
So, how did it work out?
I can fit into every item of clothing I have from 1970. I no longer take medication for indigestion or sleep. My business appears to be surviving the recession when many others have cratered. My children consider me witty, pertinent and post me to their websites. My husband still says he adores me--totally recprocated.
We still don't have a mirror in the house which shows more than our faces. If I want to know if my hem is even I ask my spouse.
My life is about ideas and actions, not about looks. At my age, I know a heck of a lot more--including how to get my point across without saying I know a heck of a lot more.
OMG, when I hit 50 it was AWESOME! I went into menopause and no more periods. Yay!! Loved it! My libido is just as raging as it was when I was 18. I have the energy-level of a teen as well. It's like when you get to 50 you realize how much fun you can have, and you've gained the life experience to make it happen.
Okay, much of this is probably because I have always taken good care of my body. I'm an organic vegetarian, a runner (12 miles per week), don't smoke or drink, and get a monthly acupuncture treatment to balance my hormones. So that goes a long way in explaining why I have the energy level, movement ability, and libido of a teen...even though I'm 54 now.
All I can say is midlife is one long party, and I'm having a blast!!! My friends were soooo right! Midlife is what you make of it, and it can be glorious! ;)
The learning curve--provided you have never stopped learning--flattens considerably.
By now, we have all figured how life works. NOW is when you start to realize your dreams. You know, that one which said "I could be a bestselling author of science fantasy because Anne McCaffrey isn't producing any more."
Go for it! Your mind hasn't atrophied! JK Rowling produced the highest grossing literary series ever in Harry Potter. Do not forget J. K. Rowling started writing this series as a response to her economic situation. No matter your economic status, in today's world you have a chance.
You're so right about J. K. Rowling. I've been a fulltime author for 24 years and have published more than 52 books with several publishers. My Pagan erotica is well-known in that genre, and last Monday my latest novel came out. It hit 3 of the "Top 100 Bestsellers" lists in the Kindle Store 17 hours later. More WOOT!
I'm known across the web for never slowing down and living each day to the fullest and sexiest, and I have no intention of stopping.
It's wonderful to meet you at HP! In fact if you're on Twitter follow me, and I'll follow you back so we can have more fun there. I'm @SexWitch. Gee, what a surprise. *falls over laughing*
You are like my sisters; they are all fit, and they help me with my exercise; I love them for many reasons, that among them.
I have taken exceptionally good care of myself; I don't smoke, I eat well, I exercise and stretch whenever I can, and I take vitamins. I look 10 years younger than I am (a very naturally blonde head of curly hair helps), and the thought that this sciatica will alter all that about me makes me more determined to keep up my regimen.
I love counseling women, I love spending time with women, and I love trading stories with women about aging; my graduate thesis was about the sexual health of women during their lifetime. It's all about us, ladies, and it always will be.
You're right! I always say that's the thing about turning 40. You realize if you make it to 40 you don't care anymore about what others think. It's all about us and what we want to do now. After 40 years we've earned it! And that's even more true after 50. *wink*