Manners 2.0: A Guide to Technetiquette

I recently needed to move a bed to my house. Alas, I found myself without 1) a large vehicle or 2) a big, strong and obligated boyfriend. So I opted for a solid backup plan: I called my Best Dude Friend and pleaded with his voicemail in hopes that we could broker an exchange of his brawn for my beer. Little did I know at the time that this seemingly innocuous request would erupt into an all-out e-communication catastrophe that would permanently change the way I view my interactions with others.

Thirty-six hours (count 'em!) after I left my message, I received a text from my friend that read: Can't. Have girl in town. I was furious! Not that he was unavailable, but that I'd found the situation important enough to call him and he had downgraded helping me to text message status. Feeling completely techno-dissed, I fired back scolding him with what I thought was a harsh, but sisterly voicemail. However, this plan backfired and he sent me a passive aggressive, dramatic email. It wasn't until we had it out on Google chat the next day that the matter was finally resolved!

Reflecting on the exchange later, I realized that we were both operating on a different presumption of technetiquette. I was associating text messaging with a lack of respect for our friendship and my predicament, while my pal was "talking" to me the same way he does all the long-winded women in his busy 25-year-old bachelor life: in short, direct utility-driven messages.

The problem is, most of us expect to be communicated with in the same medium in which we engage. However, each medium carries with it a different set of expectations. Even worse: Each person values each medium on a different, personal scale!

With so many ways to communicate, such misfires are becoming more prevalent. Whether it's my friend who accidentally booty texted his mom one Saturday night, my gal pal whose boyfriend publicly dumped her on Facebook or my colleague who almost gets in a car accident every day because she is obsessed with checking her BlackBerry as soon as she hears the ring of a new email: Technology has hijacked our good judgment and the subtlety of our manners.

Our unmitigated obsession with technology and multi-tasking is a dangerous threat to our collective quality of life. While trying to be more productive and expand our social circles, many of us are left feeling unsatisfied and isolated by our technorelationships, wondering how to achieve a real connection with the people around us. When the careful and thoughtful boundaries that establish how we function in person blend and blur at the intersection of our handhelds, MySpace profiles and Instant Message emoticons, we are chipping away at our respect for one another and leaving behind a trail of suspicious glances and bruised egos.

There is no longer a distinction between "real" and "online," or if there is, the line is so fine it's virtually negligible. There's never been a more urgent time to establish one.

After several bumbled incidents in my own life in recent weeks (a rambling voicemail I left for a business associate, an unrequited flirtatious text message sent, a Facebook album full of photos I didn't want to see of my ex and his new girlfriend, an ignored email interview request, salacious gossip overheard on Twitter), I decided it was time to explore the essential concept of Manners 2.0. I've begun chronicling my technetiquette mishaps on my site, and you can head here to take my official Manners 2.0 quiz to find out what your technological personality type is. You can learn just how you're alienating and irritating people with your communication habits! (May God bless you if it turns out you're an Emotionally Needy Timesuck or Schizophrenic Social Butterfly.)

Likewise, after considerable deliberation I decided that the following guidelines should be standard operating procedure in the modern communication era:

*When you meet a new person, in addition to finding out his hometown, college major and favorite color you must also ask him about his preferred form of communication. For example, I rarely check voicemails, and I expect people with urgent business to text message me. Who would know this if I didn't tell them and they didn't ask? Miscommunication minefield. Same goes when presuming someone receives emails instantly on her phone, which may not be the case.

*Unless a situation is particularly stressful or private, you should generally respond within 24 hours for personal matters and 48 hours for business matters in the same medium in which you have been contacted. (Of course, if you're in a romantic scenario, everyone who's seen "Swingers" knows you have to wait at least two days.)

*Text messages imply the desire for an immediate response, generally within one hour but preferably within 20 minutes. Flexibility is obviously given during work hours. If you can't respond within that time frame, you should apologize or offer an explanation for the delayed reply.

*Instant messaging or chatting is an open forum, where it's likely that your conversation partner is multi-tasking. Long delays or abrupt goodbyes should not be taken personally.

*What happens in your online relationships should be allowed to reflect your offline relationships, including deleting and/or re-friending. (Pals disagree with me on this one, but I'm sticking with it.) This is particularly true in romantic scenarios. It's weird to have access to a person when you're just getting to know each other, and painful when you're trying to get over them. Or worse, giving them access to you! I know there are blocking features and limited profile options, but an ex or a prospect should not be offended if you scratch them from Facebook to preserve your own well-being or the natural progression of dating.

*Like call waiting before it, multi-tasking phone use and in-person conversations should be universally accepted, within reason. In non-somber occasions, depending on the nature of the relationship, it is reasonable to spend up to 15 percent of the time you are with someone checking your phone. If you're really into Twitter, you should identify what you are doing so that people can know they have become part of a public forum and understand why you are typing away like a maniac.

These are just some initial thoughts, and I'd love to hear what you think are appropriate Manners 2.0 rules, so leave a comment below or email [e-mail].

As our in person conversations and phone calls become prime real estate and our electronic interactions rise to an all-new default setting, we will all be grappling with questions of how to preserve the idiosyncrasies and nuances of our interactions. Real or perceived, the danger of miscommunication and hurting someone you cherish is enough reason to establish clear expectations about the role of technology in your life.

Comments

[radiclib]

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Cell phones should be called ``selfish phones.''
People shout into them and annoy all around.
People don't watch where they walk when they talk on them.
People break off conversations to answer them and then make others wait and stand there awkwardly while they prattle on with someone unseen.
Parents usually teach manners and nobody's parents grew up with cell phones.
How should we cope?
Should we confront cell-phone boors?
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[pundit27]

Hey, Annieflies, for some of us multiple comment sections are our blogs. Totally agree on your second -- that's just rude.

[Colleen Perry - Huffpost Blogger]

Do you have a word for someone who receives an email from you and then "pirates" all the addresses in the sent to line in order to promote a personal project???? That makes me crazy!! It feels like stealing! Granted, I could have used the blind copy button, but at the time, I was too technologically inept to have thought of that. Now I have to include a disclaimer at the bottom of each email. Some people just don't understand good boundaries.

[Mediacrisy]

One more thing -- I highly recommend Clay Shirky's 1995 gem "Voices from the Net." It's fun to read such an early book defining "flaming," etc.

[Mediacrisy]

The evolution of multimodal communication is full of unknowns; thanks for proposing a guide.

PS -- I think it's interesting that you labeled this "technetiquette" rather than "netiquett­e." You make a good point in reflecting Web 2.0 and the increasing ways communication technology is integrated into our lives while we're afk.

[Annieflies]

Oh, and as far as Chat is concerned, there is a really simple rule to live by, that will help you avoid jumping to conclusions and getting into a chat war with someone over a simple misunderstanding. It's called the "Two Minute Rule". Whenever you enter a chat room (or any other room for that matter...)­, wait and listen to the ongoing conversation for at least two minutes before jumping in with your opinion. Trust me. And if you are new to a particular forum, get to know the personalities before judging them, or you may end up looking foolish or getting branded as a troll.

[Annieflies]

My biggest pet peeve? Those who leave unbelievably long-winded novels in a Comments queue. I want to scream at them, "GET A BLOG ALREADY!".
And my second biggest? Is it really necessary to answer every call that comes in on your phone, especially when you are having a conversation with someone else who is sitting right there with you?? The ultimate in rudeness, imho.

[marrig]

When someone is a guest for dinner and my land phone rings, I let it roll over to answering. Why can't people do the same with their cell phones? I find it unspeakably rude to sit across the table from someone who just can't turn off their cell or resist answering every call. Isn't this just basic decent manners?

My second peeve is being subjected to the cell phone conversations of others in public places such as the grocery check out line. Give it a rest!

[SoozeNYC]

FWIIW: I live alone, but when I have people over for dinner, I announce clearly as we sit down that cell phone ringers are expected to be turned off, and if you can't bring yourself to turn the damn thing off altogether, you are expected to leave the table and go answer it somewhere else when it vibrates. I willingly make exceptions if there is some pressing reason that a guest needs to be available.

Once, I was riding a bus while a man had a very long, loud argument with his girlfriend on his cellphone. I listened for a while until I figured out what they were fighting about, then struck up a conversation with the person sitting next to me, making sure to speak loudly enough to catch the man's attention. Eventually he did, and indignantly said, "Do you MIND? This is a private conversati­on." I replied, "If I am forced to listen to it against my will, it's not private, and I'm entitled to an opinion." My fellow riders laughed so hard that he cut off the conversation and slunk away...