Hi. I'm Maggie, and I'm an alcoholic.
I said those words many times over the last 20 years. That's how long I've been sober, and almost how I've gone without talking -- or writing -- about it. Why is that? Well, for one reason, I've been busy.
In these last 20 years, I:
1. Well, got sober. Obviously. That was the beginning.
2. Applied for, was accepted by and graduated from one of the most prestigious journalism schools in the country.
3. Walked into a karate dojo and earned a black belt four years later.
4. Changed careers.
5. Hounded -- er, persuaded -- the editor of the local daily paper to give me a weekly column.
6. Met my husband.
7. Married him.
8. Had a baby.
9. Had another baby.
10. Wrote a book.
11. Wrote another book.
12. Wrote a third book.
So, yes, it's been a busy couple of decades, as compared to the decade prior to sobriety, which consisted of:
1. Getting hammered.
2. Waking with hangover.
3. Dragging ass to 9-to-5 job.
4. Leaving at 5 p.m. and starting it all again.
However, there's been another reason, I think, for this egregious lack of conversation about those earlier years. On some level -- well, actually, on a very conscious level -- I am ashamed of them. And I think that the concept of anonymity helps to perpetuate that shame.
Now, before you start getting all hatey on me, listen up: I support AA. It helped me get sober, and it helped me stay sober. Any group that offers support for someone trying to get healthier is a good group. But I think it's time for a name change. The "anonymous" part is maintaining the shame.
When I suggested this to a friend, a non-drunk, she was horrified. "But if it's not anonymous, people won't go for help!" she said. I hung my head for patience. "And therein lies the problem," I replied. "Why do alcoholics feel the need for anonymity? Because we're ashamed. Why are we ashamed? Because society told us we should be. We need to stop that. I'm tired. Shame is hard work."
And again in defense of AA, when the group was started in 1935 by Bill and Dr. Bob, alcoholism was shameful. According to "Understanding Anonymity," from AA-approved literature, "they knew from their own experience how ashamed most alcoholics are about their drinking, how fearful they are of public exposure." AA did what was necessary to get alcoholics through the door to recovery -- promised them no one would know who they are. And that assurance has been the backbone of many support groups ever since. That assurance is not the problem.
The problem is that we still feel the need for that protection. Knowing what we now know about alcoholism, there should be no shame attached. People should no longer need the protection of anonymity in order to seek help. My generation -- and possibly even my children's generation -- are probably too inured to the way it's been to stand a chance at total elimination of the shame factor, but future generations still have a shot. And maybe a place to start is our language.
Maybe the name could be changed to AIR -- Alcoholics In Recovery, or some similar phrase -- a phrase that doesn't immediately, right off the bat imply that an alcoholic need be ashamed. With the "promise" of anonymity in the title, alcoholics looking for recovery don't really have a chance to not be ashamed. Language-based theories including neuro-linguistic programming would suggest that the behavior can't be changed without a parallel change in language.
Do I blame AA for the perpetuation of the shame associated with alcoholism? Of course not. AA has probably singlehandedly done more for alcoholics -- including me -- than any other organization, belief system or treatment known to humankind. I'm simply suggesting that they use their power and influence to now take it a step further -- keep the support, keep the confidentiality, but lose the anonymity. Take a step toward eliminating the shame.
My behavior when I was drinking was shameful. My my actions were atrocious, my treatment of others was atrocious, and my treatment of myself was atrocious. It was not my proudest moment, that decade, for sure. But you know what? I was drunk. Now I'm sober, and through the years I've apologized to hopefully everyone I hurt back then. So I'm done being ashamed. And the first thing I'm going to do is introduce myself again.
"Hi. I'm Maggie Lamond Simone, and I'm an alcoholic."
Follow Maggie Lamond Simone on Twitter: www.twitter.com/MagLamondSimone
Maggie Lamond Simone: Rethinking Anonymity for Alcoholics
Robert Leahy, Ph.D.: Drinking Thinking: 8 Illusions About Needing to Drink
Carole Bennett, MA: Educating Yourself About Your Loved One's Addiction
“The promoter instinct might be our undoing. If even one publicly got drunk, or was lured into using AA’s name for his own purposes, the damage might be irreparable. At this altitude, (press, radio, films, and television), anonymity – 100 percent anonymity – was the only possible answer.â€
12&12 page 187.
It's to protect AA, not the individual. Can't let the general public see how ineffective AA is.
AA’s dominance in the public treatment centers may be no higher than 60%, even though it does appear AA meeting attendance is required or encouraged even in those that are not based on 12-Step treatment. The “feeder†system is clearly beginning to break down from the treatment venue, though the court-coerced feeder system appears as robust as ever. It’s a fair forecast to say staff reductions in NYC are on the near horizon and those staffers, who currently enjoy a defined-benefit pension plan (an underfunded one) not enjoyed by most AA members, will increasingly seek career opportunites elsewhere.
It’s hard to know how many long-term AA members there are. The Grapevine, the official magazine, first reached a circulation of 100,000 subscribers in 1978. It peaked in ’93 at the same time the membership peaked, at 138,000. Today the GV circulation stands at 93,000 and is losing money at a rate—several hundred thousand dollars per year–that is alarming the General Service Office in NYC. Again, no growth.
Conclusion, there are a few hundred thousand core AA members with long-term sobriety and the rest of the “membership†is those treatment-center people and court-ordered people cycling through each year. Any long-term AA member can “see†this from their own experience in the rooms. One great churn of humanity pretending to be a gigantic world organization.
Tamara
thing that dug you out.
Obviously gratitude isn't very far up your list.
This has nothing to do with "ego" or with thinking I can safely drink again--it's simply that I find it quite ridiculous to spend my entire lifetime labeling myself with a problem I left behind in the previous century.
As far as AA is concerned, I was an active member of that program for several years. I found that the social support was helpful, and the meetings gave me something to do when I was newly abstinent. But over the long term the group began to feel much more like a recovery cult than a recovery support group--there is a very sick "we're the only way, leave us and you'll die!" mentality in the group and a lot of inter-member sexual and financial abuse. I ultimately left the group in disgust (cries of "you're signing your death warrant"! ringing in my ears). Another reason for not identifying myself as an "alcoholic" is that it implies that I am a member of this bizarre group.
I don't tell everyone that I'm an alcoholic simply because other people do judge. It has nothing to do with 'shame', it has to deal with self-preservation from people who would use it against me.
Be careful telling your employeers, folks. It can be used against you no matter how great your work performance is and no matter how long you've been sober. One slip in your recovery will spell disaster...and relapse is a very real problem for many who are addicted.
Your past can be used against you in custody cases.
The most important thing is being honest with yourself.
The other possibility-- one that makes much more trouble--Is that ANY recovering person is capable of sliding back into darkness and using again. The more public a person's recovery is made, the more ugly the slip becomes. Potential members of the fellowship, those who scoff at the recovery process and the usual haters around us can and WILL use this display of our inherent weakness to point out that attempts at recovery are misguided or even useless.
Become an advocate for recovery, a voice of a cleaner life Whatever.....Just leave your AA membership out of it!!!
You basically say that we as alcoholics should remain anonymous to protect the "Program" from scoffers and also to protect our ability to almost seamlessly relapse. Well, if it were truly an anonymous program no one would know about it and it would not exist, and that I should protect and cushion my option to drink again by hiding my alcoholism is backwards. Drinking has consequences, and for an alcoholic( famous or obscure) they are huge and devastating. You do not seem to get the "life on life's terms" concept.
Being shamed by others is a different story - and not that there aren't some folks in AA who don't do this, it isn't the norm. I personally and thankful that I found a solution for my alcoholism - I don't view it as a dirty secret, but because people don't understand, I don't advertise.