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Charlie Sheen to Host 2012 Oscars

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All is not lost in networkland. In an effort to liven up the otherwise snooze-worthy Oscars for next year's telecast and bring back the millions who dozed off right after Kirk Douglas' earlobes presented Best Supporting Actress to Melissa Leo, Charlie Sheen has been hired to host in 2012.

Celebrities attending the annual event will be encouraged to wear their own jewelry, buy their outfits off the rack, and say how they really feel about attending. It is felt that women viewers might favor hearing celebs respond to the hackneyed question, "Who are you wearing?" with "WalMart." Actresses, now referred to as "female actors," will be asked to butt out and be photographed only from the front. Celebrities will continue to walk the carpet, which will be green in an effort to attract Westminster Dog Show viewers.

Because of the conventional mid-show sag where awards are given out that nobody outside the industry has any interest in, the second half of next year's show will be co-hosted by Sheen and Jerry Springer, the theory being that bad taste is better than no taste at all.