Joe Lieberman Fought the Rouge Pot and the Rouge Pot Won

97.3 per cent of all statistics are made up. That's why it's so helpful for insomniacs to listen to our Washington politicians quoting statistics. Since we have no idea where their numbers come from, we also have no idea if they're accurate. Put that fact together with the preening, posing, posturing members of Congress on TV and YouTube in the last month, and you can see what we're up against.

When you listen to a politician, just remember the tale of the roadside merchant who was asked to explain how he could sell rabbit sandwiches so cheap. "Well," he explained, "I have to put some horse meat in there, too, but I mix them 50/50. One horse, one rabbit."

Speaking of rabbits, did you see Joe Lieberman Wednesday, almost patiently waiting his turn at the mic to take some credit for only stopping Obama's stim package partly and not totally? I thought he was about to jump up and down with his hand up like the kid from McDonald's in Ft. Meyers. There was more rouge on Lieberman's cheeks than wrinkles. Doesn't he get it that the only time he looks young is when he stands next to John McCain?

What must foreigners think when they see our backslapping pols with their dreadful hairpieces, abundance of make-up, and phony tans? And that's just the men.

As for the women, we've got Senator Susan Collins who's Maine's answer to Charlotte Rae, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, and California Senators Feinstein and Boxer who come beautifully clothed, coiffed and cosmetized. "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille."

Here are a few questions for the D.C. crowd:

Who pays for the hair and make-up staff required to give a professional re-do to the men and women of Congress to get them camera ready? Us?

Are we paying for Senator Boehner's tanning bed?

Do we also pay for the home-away-from-home Virginia mansions they live in? Did you get a load of Feinstein's place, the one at which Obama and Clinton secretly met last year? I'd like to see Henrietta Hughes in that one.

Will we get stuck for more dough when Congress votes itself another raise because it actually worked a little, if only to thwart the President's plan to help the economy?

You know when that TV commercial says, "What's in your wallet?" I'd say 99.9 per cent of it is the hand of our politicians.

Comments

[MontereyDean]

I know! It's like those off-shored customer service phone banks. The folks on the other end speak clear "English." But at some point you realize that they have no idea what you're saying or what they're talking about.

Watching C-SPAN last week, I was reminded of a supermarket just outside of Peterborough, New Hampshire. I'd pass by on my way to and from work, usually during odd hours. There was a banner across the front of the store that read "Open 24 Hours." Yet, the store was often closed.

One day, a friend and I drove by in the early afternoon. The place was open. We went in and found a guy who looked as if he managed, if not the store, some part of the store. We said, "Your sign says open 24 hours but you're usually closed when we come by."

He said: "Yes. 24 hours. But not in a row."

I would be in favor of appropriating more money for research into politicians' brains. There's definitely some brain defect afflicting those people. We need to find out if it can be treated.

A disturbing thought: Perhaps the only people now willing to go into politics are those with defective brains. There are going to be exceptions, of course; such as Obama (at least, I still have hope that he's not affilicted, but it's early). But for the most part, they are all now either Carnival Barkers or Clowns.

[Maggie Van Ostrand - Huffpost Blogger]

I totally agree, Monterey Dean, and I loved your Open-24-hours story.

Perhaps Obama sneaked in a little money for that research into politicians' brains, as you suggest.

Since Boehner claims not to have read the stim package, one can only hope they got caught. Again.