The AP reports the U.S. Department of Immigration apprehended Santa Claus attempting to illegally enter the United States. He was caught maneuvering his sleigh over a fence secretly erected by the Border Patrol.
When Santa lived up north, his transportation consisted of eight reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. Not any more. After his historic move to Mexico, Santa hired flying burros named Marguerita, Josefina, Maria-Louisa, Esmeralda, Concepcion, Bonita, Carmelita and Lupita. The AP reports that a ninth burro, Rudolfo With The Nose of Red, accidentally caused Santa's sleigh to get caught when he forgot to put in his contact lenses and failed to see a fence where there had never been a fence before.
Santa, a cheerful, chubby, bespectacled gent in a trendy red suit with cool cuffs of fake fur, appears each year to distribute toys once created in his North Pole workshop, but now made in China. He is ably assisted in this endeavor by dozens of anonymous elves and his long-suffering wife, Evangelina Garcia-Claus. The Clauses relocated to Mexico in the late 20th Century due to marketing stress from Walmart, always harping for more speed and demanding "newer, better, cheaper." And there was a second reason to move south. "You just cannot continue at this rate," said Mrs. Claus. "Your blood pressure is already sky high and if you get sick, who will pay down the national debt?"
After contemplating this conversation as Santa always did when his wife remembered to remind him, he vowed to relocate the entire work shop south of the border. Although they had once considered Hawaii, they changed their minds because three elves suffered from an allergy to poi, while not a single elf had an allergy to tequila.
Realtors managed to find just the right compound in a secret Mexican location, announced the Claus's public relations rep, who's best known for his outstanding coverage of the divorce of Dexter stars Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter. Neither the trusting Santa nor his wife was aware that their activities were being monitored by immigration's Covert Operations. Santa's private phone calls, e-mail, and movements were carefully noted in WikiLeaks' infamous "Stealth Activities" desktop folder," which had previously only had entries for Mark Zuckerberg and Bristol Palin.
"But," cried Santa through the chain link, "Superman doesn't have a green card or a pilot's license either and you let him in. Why not me?" "You may not enter," said the supervising agent, patting his bulletproof vest pocket containing Santa's deportation papers, "because you're not registered with any political party and therefore cannot vote. So either fall back now, or we're authorized to dispatch you to Guantanamo for further questioning by Rob and Big.
Displeased at the agent's attitude, Santa thought for a moment and made his decision. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his sleigh , checked all the presents, turned his head away and, laying a finger inside of his nose , with a nod to the burros, o'er the fence he rose .
He sat straight in his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle
And away they all flew like a NASA-made missile
They heard him exclaim aloud, through the dark
"From Tijuana to Baghdad and then Central Park."
As his sleigh rose high to the sky way above
He shouted "The most precious gift is called love.
No fences, no walls, no problems, no fight
Merry Christmas to all, and to Larry King, good night."
Follow Maggie Van Ostrand on Twitter: www.twitter.com/magpie99
Hopefully, your south-of-the-border Santa will deliver some gifts of Barbara Kingsolver's brilliant 2009 novel "The Lacuna," which is partly set in Mexico.
I'll grab a copy of "The Lacuna".
By the way, It's only taken me two days to figure out why I was unable to reply. Even then, I had to call on the techies at Social News for help.
Then the U.S. wouldn't let him back in.
As they say in Mexico, "je je je"
What's the "W" on your chest stand for?