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Malcolm Harris

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Politician "Must Have" Item: Designer Chastity Belt

Posted: 06/09/2011 5:16 pm

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In every designer's career, we find ourselves hoping and praying for that one big idea, that big moment, or at the very least, that "must have" item. Well, it's taken me some time, and many, many attempts, but finally I think I have this season's "must have" item -- The Designer Chastity Belt! And the cherry on the top is the fact it comes with a built in target audience -- POLITICIANS!

Thank you, thank you, thank you -- please save your applause. I know you are saying to yourselves, "Where was this genius when our beloved President Bill Clinton was destroying a perfectly lovely cerulean blue dress within the sanctity of the Oval Office?" Or perhaps you are wondering, "Why wasn't this contraption strapped on to Representative Mark Foley (R-Fla.) when he decided it was time to show his young pages what was hiding behind the gray drapes?" Better yet you might even be asking, "Why wasn't this career-saving device affixed to Senator John Edwards' appendage on that fateful day when he decided to begin his tawdry affair with seductress Rielle Hunter?" The list of built-in marketers and customers for this product goes on and on, spilling across all political divides and/or ideology. But in my defense, I thought these "mice amongst men" would learn from their predecessors that in this new digital age, there is no such thing as privacy, and the DCB (it already has an acronym) would never see the light of day.

However, it has now become crystal clear in light of "WeinerGate" that these guys can no longer be trusted to keep their private parts out of the public domain (i.e. Twitter, Facebook, bathroom stalls). Therefore, I feel that it is my civic duty to make this small contribution in order to preserve our American way -- or at least to protect our eyesight from the worst collection of "penis porn" to ever hit the internet.

Now this is where I need your help. I am thinking in order to modernize the Medieval version of the chastity belt, which was originally used to protect the "fairer sex" from crimes of rape and/or fits of passion (yeah, right), we could add an amazing electric shock feature as retribution. Imagine, every time the harness came close to a computer screen or digital camera, the wearer would receive a medium level jolt to his junk (no low voltage for these creeps as most might actually get turned on by the occasional shock to the testes). What the hell, I believe constituents should be able to join in on the fun by sending their elected officials the occasional zap whenever they logged into Twitter or Facebook as a precautionary measure. Just think if we had been paying more attention to Rep. Anthony Weiner's weiner, we could have zinged this well intended politician all the way into the New York City Mayor's office.

And for the pièce de résistance, what if we got Lady Gaga on the horn to see if she would be interested in collaborating on a limited edition version, which would come with a video-camera similar to her eyewear for Polaroid. Genius!!! Not only would the Chastity Belt's key holder (preferably our politician's wife) be able to periodically peep-in to make sure that all things in the "nether regions" were copacetic, but we would have documented proof stored for posterity or future court cases. For all this talk about governmental transparency, I think this minor precaution is a small price to pay towards keeping our politicians honest, or at least safe from themselves.

Now please bear in mind I am only in the early stages of research and development on this groundbreaking product, but in the meantime, through competitive analysis, I have discovered several similar devices currently on the market. While some of the competition's photos might be a bit too racy for this particular site, all it takes is one simple Google search of "chastity belts for men" -- et voilà...

Hopefully, these should do the trick until our "Designer Chastity Belt" becomes available to the masses. As you will see, while some of the current offerings are all very effective and utilitarian, I'm thinking our product will garner the market share with it's strategically placed Swarovski Crystals, Murakami renderings and textured finishes. This way our highly playful boys (pretending to be men), can still feel like its all business on the outside and a big ol' party inside their pants. Worst case scenario is the internet will become flooded with politicians displaying their custom-made, jewel-encrusted chastity belts for the world to see. Either way it's a win-win for us...

 

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