Career Counseling for Sarah Palin in 2013

06/21/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Sarah Palin will be looking for another job by January of 2013. Normally I would expect that she has already made enough money to provide for herself for an entire lifetime. However since Sarah may be responsible for the lifetime support of Trig, Bristol and Bristol's child, money could get tight, especially given Palin's legal troubles. With attorney fees being what they are, Palin may need to get another job. Sarah may have incurred the additional expense for lawyers, covering things from ethics violations, criminal charges filed against family members, property line disputes, zoning ordinance violations, and wrongful discharge claims filed by Alaska employees like Walt Monegan. Travel expenses have also been extremely burdensome, as private planes that were not sold on eBay can really add to expenses. At least Palin will not have to worry about the expense of a college education for anyone since that doesn't seem to be a priority for the Palin family.

By 2013, either Barack Obama will have been re-elected and begun his second term in office, or a Republican will be taking office, but it won't be Sarah Palin. The American people are too offended by Sarah Palin and her lack of competency as a world leader to ever allow her to be seriously considered for the Presidency. Poor Sarah will have to find another job. Her celebrity status will have faded. People are already paying less to hear her speak. In Tulsa, Oklahoma for example, she appeared with Glenn Beck, and two different country and western bands. Tickets were priced as low as $150.00. If this trend continues she will have to pay people to listen to her speak. Moreover, if she has not managed her money well in the next two years or perhaps she had to spend so much money on childcare that she might need to supplement her income.

Let's see if we can help Sarah figure out what to do next. Anchorage has at least eight different career counseling offices to assist Sarah. The names and phone numbers will be too lengthy for one hand, so Sarah would be well advised to use both hands and feet to record the names and numbers. Let's consider the things Sarah has done, and what options might be available to her:

• Politician -- No, definitely don't stay in this field. The demands for a politician are too strenuous, there isn't enough money to be made in politics to support the lavish life-style to which you have become accustomed, and people have started to demand the truth from their elected officials, and that has not been characteristic of your political past. Before you resigned your position as Governor, your approval ratings in Alaska had dropped to an all time low. Also your record as an elected politician was unimpressive, as you and George Bush seem to have been responsible for McCain's loss in 2008. You also resigned from the office of Governor. Even if you are able to fool people into voting for you once, they generally won't vote for you again if you quit the job they elected you to perform. Politicians usually have to articulate some type of policies, and "common sense conservatism" is a motto and not a policy.

• News analyst -- No, that won't work as you advertised Fox News as standing for "fair and balanced" reporting, but people from Fox News have repeatedly proved that they do not stand for "fair and balanced" reporting.

• Sportscaster -- No, that won't work as you didn't work as a sportscaster for long, and when you did it appeared you were reading from a teleprompter, and of course you don't do that now. You did look cross-eyed when you were not wearing your glasses. You also appeared a little glassy-eyed when you worked as a sportscaster. Now that we know about the "other Sarah" from "Game Change", who has a "glazed over look", viewers might wonder which Sarah they are watching.

• Basketball Coach -- No, that won't work as even though most people think you led your team to a state championship, as Lorenzo Benet revealed in Trailblazer we know you only scored a total of 6 points in the last three games. Besides you probably wouldn't like the job anyway because they don't allow Diet D.P. on the court and we know you don't drink water as was stated in Game Change.

• Speaker at Right-to-Life Rallies -- No, that won't work as you admitted in your book you considered your "choice" when pregnant with Trig, so the fact that you considered options available to you, discredits you. Also the fact that you hired Lynn Vincent to ghost write your book, and she admits to having had an abortion, would tend to make people question your sincerity.

• Rape Crisis Center Counselor -- No, that would definitely be the wrong choice for you. Your suggestion that rape victims should be prohibited from seeking an abortion might suggest that you were being insensitive, and judgmental of people who had experienced horrors that you had never had to face. The fact that as Mayor of Wasilla you would require rape victims to pay for their rape exam kits might suggest to some that you were part of the problem. Rape victims might prefer violence toward you rather than being willing to confide in you.

• Model -- No, that won't work because by the time the election of 2012 is over you will be 48 years old and people are starting to notice that your looks are not what they were when you competed in the Miss Wasilla pageant. One positive consideration might be that because you are now a Grandma, you might find a market for Grandma Gear.

• Taxidermist -- No, that won't work because even though you like killing animals, and even though you don't need more than 4 weeks of taxidermy school, its hard to eat what you stuff.

• Hunter -- No, that won't work because there are a finite number of animals in Alaska, and you will probably have killed all of them by 2012. A witch hunter might be in your future as you have already established a relationship with one of the premier witch hunters in America. The problem for you may be that Preacher Muthee, the evangelical whose ministry was founded on a witch hunt in Kenya, may not feel he needs any help, so he may not be willing to train you in the art of flushing out witches. Maybe the Monty Python crew would be willing to give you a few pointers.

• Author -- No, even though Going Rogue was a National Best Seller, people seemed to buy the book not for the purpose of reading it, but to get your autograph. Now that they have it, it's unlikely that those same people will buy another book. Consider the fact that if you don't read, they may not either.

• Wild Life Advocate for Discovery Channel -- No by 2012 the Discovery Channel will likely be out of business as you will have chased away all viewers and sponsors. Your comment in "Going Rogue", where you mention the room for Alaska's wildlife, right next to the mashed potatoes, was not consistent with the image the Discovery Channel purports to promote.

• Chef -- No, moose burgers are not a popular item outside of Alaska, and moose will likely be on the endangered list by 2013. Taco Bell might be interested in hiring you to advertise their Crunch Wraps, since you seem to be intimately familiar with them.

• Wedding Officiant -- Since you and Todd seem to like Las Vegas so much, as you revealed during your speech at the Wine and Spirits Wholesaler event, this might be the perfect solution to your employment woes. You could probably charge a premium at one of the chapels in Las Vegas if you give out your famous Caribou jerky as a souvenir, like you did at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference. Even if you stay in Wasilla, you could probably use the Wal-Mart again, with little or no overhead, like you did for Jake and Rosalyn (Benet 106).

• Small Arms Dealer -- No, we know you have sold yourself in the past as a lover of guns, but Levi mentioned that you don't even know how to shoot the guns you love so much, so you might present a risk to your fans.

Help with Your Resume -- It is customary to take a resume with you when you go to an interview. However in your case, I would say that you "forgot to bring it". While we realize that is an untruthful assertion, truth has not been a guiding tool for you in the past, so no need to be sanctimonious now. If questioned about your resume after telling the interviewer that you simply forgot it, just wink. Normally employers are looking for characteristics in interviewees such as intelligence, consistency, educational accomplishment, and reliability. I am afraid you fall way below the norm in each of these categories. You took 5 years to obtain a 4 year degree, and didn't distinguish yourself in the area of academics in high school or college. Interviews you did with Katie Couric indicated a lack of intelligence, so I would focus on a job where the skills required do not require thinking, but focus on repetitive task such as an assembly line worker. You have also demonstrated that you are not reliable or accountable as you resigned your positions as the Governor of Alaska, on the City Council of Wasilla, and on the Oil and Gas Conservation Commission.

Recommendations -- Given the limitations above, consider re-locating to a place where people don't know you as well as they know you in Alaska. Another consideration might be to return to school. It seems the perception of you is that you never had the benefit of an education. While I know you received a college education, most people find this hard to believe.

Possible Career Alternatives -- Consider two different paths for your career. 1. Impersonator. Tina Fey has become a very successful comedian, appearing in a hit movie with Steve Carrell, and you look and talk just like her. Another option to consider might be a used car dealer. The most successful used car dealers are those that are good at convincing people of an untruth, this may be your best option.

Good Luck Sarah!