14 Truths About Being a Mom

06/05/2015 12:49 pm ET | Updated Jun 05, 2016
Mara Shapiro

Today, I burned the crap out of my arm. I'm talented.

I boiled the kettle to make an Americano with my Nespresso espresso (rhyming fun). Since it was morning and I hadn't had coffee yet and I'm a space cadet most of the time anyways, I wasn't paying attention and reached around the kettle and touched my inner arm to it.

A millisecond on the kettle, a lifetime of ouchies on tender skin.

Even though I usually only post extremely flattering photos on Facebook, this time I felt compelled to share a horrific pic of my wound. It should have come with a warning label: This photo may contain images that could be traumatic for some people. Viewer Discretion is advised.

User tip: stainless steel kettles are HOT.

Aside from the kind words like...





...two friends asked me if I'd gone to the hospital.

My response? No, I'm a Mom. Who has time for that? I have Polysporin. Is that the same thing?

And then I realized that this was at least the third or fourth time since having children that I probably should have visited Urgent Care and didn't. In between everyone else's needs, my deep cuts, broken butts (you heard me) and burns seem to fall to the wayside.

And then I got to thinking that there are a lot of other realities of being a mom that I didn't necessarily expect or know about 22 years ago when I got pregnant. You know, aside from slicing my hand open cutting bagels and then watching the sliced skin bleed for two days before going to the hospital. #Truestory

I realize that I'm not reinventing the wheel with this little list. But once I think of something brilliant in the shower, I feel like I have to write it down.

So, here are my 14 truths about being a mom, developed from years of experience.

1. You'll find being puked, diarrhea-d and pissed on hilarious. We have a photo diary of my daughter's very first projectile shit. And it was a family joke that if my youngest baby barfed on you, that meant he liked you.

2. You'll never, ever, ever, ever pee alone. Ever again. Ever. Even when they're in their second decade. Even when you haven't seen them naked in five years, they'll still have entire conversations with you while you're doin' your business. And they won't leave until you scream GET OUT! I need to put a tampon in!

3. They'll never do what you want them to do when you want them to do it but they'll be happy to do it when you don't.

4. You'll never have relaxed sex when they're home. Why? A primal fear of them being damaged for life from a) knowing what you're doing if you lock the door or b) walking in if you don't. No kid, no matter how old or enlightened, wants to walk out of a room blinded by a sight he can never unsee.

5. Nobody did anything. Ever. Well, maybe the Naughty Fairy. She's fake and invisible, so easy to blame.

6. You'll learn to ignore -- even to laud -- offensive behavior. This includes farting, burping, hairy butt moons, spit bubbles, nose picking, open mouth chewing, animalistic guffaws, bad singing, bad dancing, bad homemade plays, annoying never-ending conversations, bad artwork, bad poetry, bad haircuts and hideous outfits, to name a few. Well really, you'll learn to tune everything out and yet somehow know exactly the right words to praise them with.

7. Your house will not stay tidy for more than five minutes. Laundry hampers will be for decoration only, as will hangers, closets and drawers.

8. Your cupboards will house empty boxes of all their favorite foods. Your fridge will house empty packages of all their favorite foods. You'll grocery shop and spend hundreds of dollars and yet, there will never, ever ever be anything to eat.

9. You will never be right until after they're wrong. Then, you know everything. And you should have told them.

10. You will be all-seeing. Magically, the second you give birth, you'll be able to find all the stuff that's right in front of your children's faces, just like your own mother before you.

11. You'll spend 11 years trying to get them to go to sleep. And then you'll spend 11 more trying to get them to wake up.

12. There will never be enough time in the day and then there will be altogether too much of it.

13. You'll be able to rustle up dinner for 12 neighborhood children (SURPRISE!) from one chicken leg and a box of macaroni.

14. You won't go to the hospital when you're gushing blood, but you'll wait for five hours at urgent care when they sneeze (because it could be Ebola). You'll buck up, apply cold compresses, cream, Band-Aids and ice. You'll drink ginger ale and drive carpool with a barf bucket.

And you'll love every minute of it.

Note: I'm working on a follow-up to What to Expect When You're Expecting. It's called OMG What To Expect, the Next 21 Years. What do you think? Will it sell?

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