A man asked me to write a post on the pressure women have to look a certain way to succeed. He has a young daughter. He's worried she will never be happy with the way she looks.
I told him that battle was old and I didn't think my small voice could win it. Truth is, I'm not sure where I stand on the argument.
I believe the media presents women most of us will never look like no matter how much we spend on plastic surgery. Yet I don't agree with the philosophy that I should love my fat and wrinkles.
I'm not advocating surgery. I do advocate loving what I see in the mirror and presenting an attractive, updated, professional image that represents how I want the world to judge me (though I do get lazy on airplanes and in grocery stores). I know people judge me within seconds of seeing me. When I meet someone new, their brain calculates my value in terms of age, social standing and how approachable I am to determine if I am worth talking to. This is reality.
Just as I work hard to develop my speaking and writing skills, the visual impact I have is part of my brand. I experienced this after working with Janice Hurley-Trailor, a "perception consultant." After cleaning out my closet and redoing my hair, makeup and wardrobe, I realized who I thought I was out in the world--a global leadership expert--had to be represented in my look.
In fact, before working with Janet, I often heard people tell me they were surprised how wise I was once they heard me speak. Why were they surprised? When I look at my past pictures and videos, I realized I wasn't looking wise and successful in my appearance. I had gotten busy and lax about taking care of myself. Luckily, it just took one day to "transform me." Since then, I have realized a positive difference in how people relate to me when we first meet.
Does this mean we are enslaved by ludicrous beauty standards? Regardless, no matter how shallow and unfair it is, attractiveness factors into hiring and promotion decisions. Newsweek columnist Jessica Bennett says that in this economy looking good isn't just vanity, its economic survival.
What about surgery, injections or lasers? Does Botox increase your success? Some women believe it does. Gloria Steinem admitted to having her eyelids lifted. Bennett also writes "...making an effort to look good because we know it helps us out professionally and maintaining that look shouldn't necessarily be shunned, nor should we be plagued by personal guilt."
I don't think you should alter your appearance so your friends don't recognize you or you can't flash a full-toothed smile because of the fillers you've injected. I do think you should care about what you look like. That might include Botox or photofacials... it's your choice.
Short of expensive procedures, healthy skin expert Celeste Hilling, CEO of Skin Authority, says men and women can do a lot to maintain a vibrant look spending about the same as they do on their daily cups of coffee." As our skin loses its resilience so does our feeling of self worth," says Hilling. "Often, this vulnerability leads to spending thousands of dollars on plastic surgery and procedures. In reality, there are very simple and cost-effective steps you can take to feel comfortable in your skin at every age."
Hilling's five skin care strategies include:
Skip the Botox? It's your decision.
When I look good on the outside, I feel good on the inside. Should it be the other way around? It is. My emotions do affect my appearance and attractiveness. My confidence plays into my ability to influence others.
It's not an either or question. I work both on my inside and outside.
I still love the idea that aging is a gift. Cherry Woodburn writes that women who have died too early would love to have the "smile lines that crease my face from laughing with my sons, giggling with my granddaughter, and grinning ear-to-ear at what wonderful young men they've become."
And I live and work in this world where the brain forms a judgment on who I am in less than three seconds.
Is Botox feminism an oxymoron? It's based on a reality we all have to deal with. My request is that we don't judge each other for the choices we make, whether you love or hate your wrinkles. Better we respect each other for who we are and how we each cope with the realities we face. Then maybe someday, things will change.
Marcia Reynolds, Psy.D. is the author of Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction. She is a professional coach and leadership trainer who works within a variety of industries and around the world.
Follow Marcia Reynolds on Twitter: www.twitter.com/MarciaReynolds
Christina Pirello: Foods For Skin: 7 Foods For Beautiful Skin (PHOTOS, RECIPES)
People run into problems with surgery because they are not using the best doctors. We're fortunate where we can afford the best surgeons. I recommend skipping any procedure if you can't get it done on a coast (NYC or Los Angeles/SF). I also recommend the best products if you cannot afford the procedures. Steer clear of any nationally-advertised and marketed store brands like Neutrogena and go straight for the hi-end stuff sold at cosmetic counters at better department stores- like La Prairie, Dr. Sebagh or La Mer. You get what you pay for. Cheap skin care products do not work. That's why they are cheap.
And the sun is not as bad as you think. You need to expose yourself to the sun to be healthy.
The consumer products industry in America has brainwashed people into thinking it's deadly to sit out in the sun for more than a minute. That's because they want to sell you their crappy, petroleum-based skin products and toxic sunscreens.
What matters to me, and what makes an impression on me, is the hygiene and personal care with which anyone, male or female, presents themselves. If you don't care about how you look, it shows, and it doesn't say to the world that you are above caring about your looks. It means you don't take care of your health and well being. I think it's more of a psychological reading than anything else, but being unkempt and unclean speaks volumes, and there are plenty in the populace who may not look like movies stars, but they are "attractive" to others because their sense of self and grooming tells the world they are the guardians of their own health and well-being.
Check out my article on this. http://www.postcardsfromapeacefuldivorce.com/294/mirror-mirror-on-the-wall-whos-the-fairest-one-of-all/
I always walk as though I were a dancer with good posture, and I try to greet the world with a smile (not always easy) I have seen many women who would not win any beauty contests carry themselves with pride which makes them attractive.
Yes.
Should Men Care About Their Looks?
Yes.
Get over it. People judge you by how you look.
Would you get on a plain with a pilot who looked like a bum?
Yes, so long as he was in back of the pickup truck.
:)
This is a complicated topic, primarily because of the point you made that whether we accept our wrinkles or fat we are being judged by our looks. The only arena where that matters to me is with work. It someone equates wrinkles with old and doty I'm in trouble.
I agree whole heartedly with your ending: My request is that we don't judge each other for the choices we make, whether you love or hate your wrinkles. Better we respect each other for who we are and how we each cope with the realities we face. Then maybe someday, things will change.
Gosh, I hope they do change. Cherry
Looks are not simply about looking attractive; we all prejudge on several issues. Race is also a factor and that certainly cannot be changed. Also some of us always look youthful and while this may save money on plastic surgery it can be a challenge in professional work. A "girl" is hardly ever taken seriously, even if she is 35.
I think that the point is to *not* part yourself out like you would an inanimate object, but to love the "whole".
Personally, I have never had any cosmetic enhancements, and am even trying to grow out my grey hair. I think that in my case, this is part of being myself. I am a business owner and leader, so I have to balance that with my vegan lifestyle and daily yoga practice. I work from a home-based office, so I don't have to see people everyday, but since I have to talk to people everyday online or via the phone, I must be comfortable from the inside out.
I am not saying that I will never utilize the option for cosmetic enhancement, I am just saying that for today, I am cool as-is.
Oh yeah... I will be celebrating my 50th birthday in this upcoming year. Yippee!