In my research, I have found that today's high-achieving women are confident in their abilities and not worried about anyone discovering that they are frauds as research in previous years described working women. Today's ambitious women know they are smart and capable, and they love getting new challenges that maximize their skills.
One of the side effects of being brought up to be a strong, smart women is the difficulty women have asking for help. They not only want to prove they can do things on their own, but also don't want anyone thinking they are inadequate.
Men seem to know instinctively the value of building collegial networks, both in and out of the workplace. There is power in numbers. Getting ahead based on "who you know" is the way of the world.
Women typically loathe this show of politics. Their resentment builds as they are passed over for promotions and projects because they don't play the game. These women can complain all they want about gender inequality, but they feed the problem with their view that building an "insider's network" is bad politics and their fear of looking weak by asking for help.
It's time women redefine what "playing politics" means. In a study cited in The Real Benefit of Finding a Sponsor by Sylvia Ann Hewlett (economist and the founding president of the Center for Work-Life Policy), researchers found that choosing wisely "who you know" is essential to getting ahead in the corporate world:
What's been holding women back isn't a male conspiracy, but rather a surprising absence of advocacy from men and women in positions of power. Women who are qualified to lead simply don't have the powerful backing necessary to inspire, propel and protect themselves on their journey through upper management. Women lack, in a word, sponsorship.
Sponsors not only act as advocates for their protégés, making connections and campaigning for them in their organization. Women who work with sponsors also have learned the benefits of tooting their own horns. The study found that women with sponsors are more likely to ask their managers for stretch assignments and raises. It appears that having a higher-up believe in you increases your confidence and organizational wisdom.
So, the fear that people will think you are weak or manipulative if you ask for help is unfounded. In truth, you are smart and strong if you ask for help.
There's another fear that stops women from leveraging the "who you know" chip: the fear of other women.
Hewitt's article says women worry that if they ask a male to sponsor them, others will think it's a sexual relationship. In my experience coaching female executives, most have no problem asking men to be their mentors (sponsorship is a fairly new concept we are working on). They aren't concerned about gossip. They worry more that women will not work hard enough for them, or worse -- sabotage their growth.
Women sabotaging women is one of the worst lies that is perpetuated in corporate America. Do some women dislike other women? Yes, as some men don't care for other men. If given the chance, most senior women these days jump at the chance to help develop and promote other women. I spoke with Lauren Klein, Chief Community Officer for Executive Networks, about this reality. She said:
We have many internal networks join in on the conversations in our broader network of executives who show up to talk about workforce topics. The women consistently attend and share valuable knowledge and experiences. What's more, they appear to genuinely enjoy checking in with each other for support, advice and all-around camaraderie. Perhaps it's time to put the myth of "women undermining other women" to rest, once and for all.
Recently, in our Executive Networks' Global Diversity & Inclusion Network, we discussed women and succession planning. According to Mary Farmer, the executive director of the network, "The genuine willingness to share valuable information, without self-interest, is something I've encountered frequently in both internal communities and external networks of professional women. I don't see evidence of women undermining each other. My experience is just the opposite; women can and do join forces to create positive change and facilitate gender balance in today's high-performing companies."
I have advocated before for women to create their Positive Conspiracies of Change in organizations. Women need sponsors and they need to come together in supportive networks. There is no shame in asking for help. It is the way we will finally get more seats in the boardroom and our career desires met.
It's time we play the "who you know" game, too.
Marcia Reynolds, Psy.D., author of "Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction," is president of Covisioning, a leadership coaching and training organization working with a variety of people and organizations around the world to increase emotional intelligence and collaboration.
Follow Marcia Reynolds on Twitter: www.twitter.com/MarciaReynolds
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As for the workplace, this is the first time I've worked in a female dominated workplace. It has been...interesting. They are constantly suspicious of my motives even though I have been there four years and have done nothing to warrant it. I've even asked what it is and they have no answer for me. It's hard to ask people like that for help when you have no idea what you are going to get. At least with men, I know most of the time what I'm getting. There are some who are idiots, but I like the directness. I always seem to commit some social gaffe that I'm unaware of with the women. lol The women who think like me, I get along with well, but we are few and far between.
One of my greatest pet peeves is people bringing up something that happened 6 months ago after we have discussed it. It's always women. Never men.
Can someone enlighten me?
You probably can't beat a team of intelligent, enthusiatic and secure women, it's really something to behold.
Having said that, however, there are still plenty who want to be the only girl in a roomful of boys, and resent the intrusion of other women on their turf of "uniqueness." Mercifully, I've never had to work for one, but I've seen them in action.
There was also a post here on HP, not too long ago, regarding a study involving job applicants in Israel and some European countries, where evidently people are trending to submit photos with their resumes. Handsome men got the most calls for interviews from hiring managers, and good looking women - the fewest. The overwhelming majority of HR people screening the resumes were women.
Mentoring's not a new concept, however you frame it, and if your workplace doesn't officially sanction sponsorships, don't count on waiting around to be discovered. In any such relationships I've had, I was at least somewhat pro-active in gaining their notice (without being a pest).
In a situation where there are more men, however, (and here in India that still includes most offices/ industries), I find that women are wary - one, because there are some creeps around to take advantage of so-called mentoring relationships - a small no. but enough to make women wary, and two, because increasingly we are taught that we must assume a male "aggressive" model to succeed - what we don't see is that underneath all the aggressiveness, men do bond and help each others' careers out a lot.
Instead of asking for help, which is a natural human response many high performance women choose to go it alone. One of the challenges this creates is that these peak performing women can't physically cope with their workload. In looking at my overworked clients, I believe this is a huge factor in why women burn out.
Thank you again for sharing such a great body of work.
Eli Davidson
Even now, as a freelance writer who is promoting a book, I find it hard to play on "who I know" unless I meet them specifically in the world of book publicity, where it's understood that we are all helping each other in a tough market. Calling on contacts from high school, college, or graduate school somehow feels scummy to me, making me wonder if women have different feelings about relationships or different rules about them.
At the same time, the young female engineer also has to learn how to deal with the predatory types who will try to test her boundaries in all kinds of ways. These are the men who pretend to want to be your mentor, but really want to be your Daddy and want you to be eternally grateful.
Where I work, engineering success depends upon capturing tribal knowledge, stored in the brains of older males. It's a perfect storm for sexual harrassment, yet the company seems to do little to discourage the minor forms of harassment that pave the way for the more egregious forms. Management is at a loss to figure out why so many young women engineers leave. Is it any wonder?
http://www.jobvirtue.com
This does not look like the cartoonish behavior reflected in televised soaps and reality shows. Yet it is real; it can be very subtle, effective and destructive. Damage can be wrought with a tone of voice (snideness and snarkiness were rampant among a group of women I worked with in one non-profit), inaccurate framing, and indiscriminate meddling.
The general effect is not just damage to one individual or a group. It continues to give men the impression that women can't, or won't, get along with each other. It also causes them to question whether women can handle power.
This experience is reflected in my conversations with other women regarding their careers (I am a corporate trainer). I meet many women who feel discouraged and unmotivated after experiencing very real psychological bullying by their female co-workers.
Until even a small majority of women decide to openly and honestly celebrate and support their sisters' successes, protect each other from the effects of this behavior, and join together for the good of all of us, we will suffer.
I appreciate your raising this issue and work you are doing to help stop it! Thank you for this post.
And the "bullying" by other other women is done so subtly, that most men don't even notice it.