Did I think I'd go from being a reporter for KTLA to blogging about my recent vasectomy? Um, no. But if I'm able to help guys out there be more comfortable with having this procedure, then it's worth it.
My wife and I have two boys, a 4-year-old and a 10-month-old. Back when the baby was 4 months, we decided that it was time for daddy to get fixed... or as my wife so lovingly referred to it as "getting snipped." We based this big decision on the fact that two kids is enough for us and that we're approaching the big 4-0.
So after talking the talk, it was time to walk the walk, right into the urologist's office. I'm not going to lie. I was freaked out. In my mind I was thinking scalpel, blood and pain because that's what I thought a vasectomy was all about. Good thing I was wrong, but there was a bit of embarrassment along the way. Let me explain.
The day of my consultation, I cruised into the urologist's office in Orange County and kept thinking the worst about what I was going to hear. Got into the room and waited for the doctor. He walks in and the small talk began. Seriously, I just wanted to know how much this damn procedure was going to hurt. But his first question to me was, "You're only 38. Are you sure you want to do this?" My answer,"Yes." Then he asked me the same question two more times. By the third time, I was like, "I AM SURE." He then told me that he and his wife have two kids already and he feels like he's done, but his wife wants another. I asked him if he was going to have the procedure. He said, "Well, you're a bit older than me, so I may wait a bit." This was the first time I realized that doctors performing these types of procedures were actually younger than me. Great. So after he took a look at the area and explained in detail what was going to happen during the 20-minute procedure, he handed me a consent form. Yes, a consent form for my wife to sign. So basically, you have to get your wife to sign off. Weird, but ok. So I made the appointment for the following week.
V-Day arrived. That's what I called the day of my vasectomy. This was no longer a reference to Valentine's Day. Got to the doctor's office with my signed consent form in hand. And yes, my wife signed that paper before I could finish my sentence explaining what the form was for. She also didn't have much sympathy for me, referencing the fact that she went through childbirth twice. Ok, I get it.
So the nurse takes me to the room and the first thing I notice are the stirrups. Yep, this just got real. She says to remove everything below the waist and to cover the area with this paper towel. After doing so and getting on the table and putting my legs in place, she walks back into the room with the doctor. Here we go.
The doc turned on the TV which was above the table for me to watch. He told me to just stay calm and that it'll be over before I know it. First thing he did was numb the area with anesthesia which was probably the worst part. Basically, he injects the needle into the left nutsack. Not going to lie, the poke hurt a bit, but the slight pain quickly vanished once the anesthesia kicked in. Then, basically all you feel is a bit of tugging while the doc does his thing. Definitely an odd feeling, but thankfully not painful.
During all this, the doctor was asking me questions to get my mind off what he was doing. Questions like, "So what do you do for a living? Do you like what you do?" Even though I was answering, all I was hearing was blah, blah, blah. The nurse then said, "Very cool socks." Just then I realized that I had forgotten to take off my bright green argyle socks that were pulled up to my knees. So here I was in stirrups with nothing on below the waist but knee high socks. Complete humiliation set in at that point. The doc then said, "Ok, we're all done. Now for the other side." FML. And there went the anesthesia into the other ball. Ten minutes later, he was done with that side.
Honestly, it was over in 20 minutes total, and it wasn't that big of a deal. The little hole he put into the area to reach the tubes he needed to alter was a little bigger than a pin prick. No gushing blood. No sharp pain. I was so relieved it was over. He told me to get up slowly and that when I was ready, I was ok to leave. That was it. No frozen peas necessary. No pain pills. He offered pain meds, but said I probably didn't need them, and he was right. All I needed to do was put gauze on the area for a day or so and apply Neosporin. The walk to my car was a bit odd because I was moving extra slow -- kind of like a zombie from The Walking Dead due to the minor soreness. Honestly, the discomfort wasn't unbearable at all, but I was just being extra cautious due to the fact that I just had freakin' surgery.
So fast forward three months -- it's time to make sure the procedure worked. They recommend you do a semen analysis so they can make sure there is no active sperm. But keep in mind, the specimen is given at the doctor's office. This was all foreign to me, so I asked the nurse at the counter how this all goes down. She informed me that they'll be taking me to a room where there is a recliner, headphones and a TV with a DVR selection of porn. My first thought, is this awkward moment really happening right now? You can figure out what happened next. After handing over the specimen to the nurse, it took a few days to get the results. Fortunately for me, the entire procedure was a success. No more kids for us. Definitely an experience I'll never forget. One of the questions that comes up is whether or not I'm running on all cylinders post surgery. Yes, all is working just fine. Thanks for asking.
I'm hoping my experience helps guys out there to realize that a vasectomy isn't that big of a deal. And you're welcome for the play-by-play of my V-Day.