If you peruse the literature on female development, you may notice that there is a common thread regarding how many young girls often lose their voice by the age of 10. They are exposed to messages to be "sugar and spice and everything nice," to be "seen and not heard," to "look pretty." So what happens when we don't look so pretty, when we have feelings that are not so "nice," when we do have a voice that may or may not agree, and when we do want to shine and share our light? For many little girls, they begin to refrain from accessing their opinions and preferences and from expressing their authentic feelings. Slowly these young women become "other-directed" rather than "self-directed." The consequence in adulthood, from this cumulative disconnect and self-neglect, can lead to resentment, confusion and depression. But there is always an opportunity for an awakening, reminding us of what we knew from the beginning and of how precious we really are.
This is a story that offers parents a jewel of wisdom to share with their daughters and sons, and reminds us grown-ups where our true pride lies.
When my niece was 13 years old, I called her after a school play to ask her how it went. "It was great," she exclaimed. "I was really proud of my performance!" When I was in junior high school, sharing in this way would have been considered boastful or "stuck-up." When my sister got on the phone, I told her how incredible it was that my niece could really celebrate and acknowledge herself, at an age when young girls often begin to dim their light to be accepted and not perceived as "conceited." She told me something that I vowed to share with as many parents as possible: "When my kids were small, I made a conscious decision to never say, 'I'm proud of you.' Instead, I have always said to them, 'You must be so proud of yourself.'"
I was immediately struck by the power of these words. My sister's decision was not only insightful but so profound. This approach helps children realize, from a young age, that their true compass and locus of truth, approval and love always lies within themselves.
I've been spreading the gift of these words of wisdom ever since, encouraging parents to consistently use this reflective mirroring back to your children, not just about their accomplishments but "just because." "You must be so proud of the person that you are. I am so glad you are here and love you so much." Can you imagine hearing that or saying that to ourselves everyday? It's a beautiful reminder to us all.
So when was the last time you gave yourself, as my friend Lisa Greenfield calls it, some "toothbrush love" in the morning mirror?
Be proud of who you are.
Be proud that you are here.
That makes you a living miracle.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. (Marianne Williamson)
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John Medina, Ph.D.: Why You Shouldn't Praise Your Child's Intelligence (VIDEO)
Just for fun, I read all the comments herein; I was saddened by the number who simply missed, ignored, or poorly interpreted your point. I have long believed that the hardest thing a person can do it teach another something they insist they already know... what they believe is apparently what they believe, regardless of any amount of logic, research, documentation, or even anecdotal information or data supporting another view.
For instance, one person herein said that they tell their kids they are proud of them and that teaches them to be proud of themselves. What they don't recognize is that the "I'm proud of you" statement has the potential to train the child to look for external approval, before applying it internally, and therefore there is a lost potential for benefit from changing the approach as you suggest.
I am proud of the parenting job is did with my kids.
I am proud to be their Father.
I am proud of myself....
I love my kids, I am happy with and for them, I am pleased that they are doing well, but, as much as this might stick in a craw or two, I am not "proud" of them, that is for them to be... and they got the message, because they are.
I'm sure many kids do well regardless of what parents say or don't, but I wonder how much better some would do, if their parents got the point.
Sincerely,
Lawson Meadows
1 thing though, I am pretty sure the quote at the end is Nelson Mandela's speech..unless that lady wrote it for him.
Nelson Mandela shared that in his speech but Marianne Williamson wrote it indeed......
All best!
Speaking as an adult who never once heard any expression of pride in my parents, I can tell you that growing up thinking there is nothing you could do to ever been good enough to earn your parent's pride is quite damaging and painful. To all you narcissistic parents out there who are all aglow because this article just validated your self-serving parental practices, I wonder... how is your adult children's therapy going?
At the same time, the helicopter parent who gushes with pride and joy at every little milestone ("Little Janey went potty all by herself!") is pretty much just the opposite extreme. I didn't need to hear it every five minutes; I just needed to hear it once or twice whenever I accomplished something noteworthy as I was growing up.
Hell, I'm 41 and it would be nice to hear it right now.
http://raisingamazingdaughters.wordpress.com
Such a very hard habit to break, even when you make a concerted effort to be change your thinking! Don't pass it on!
I continued doing that to my own children; on the flip side, when detriment occurred, we talked about their sense of not being proud of themselves.
I adopted the creed of responsiblity and accountabilty for myself, and my children adopted it for themselves. What a great legacy for our family.
Anyone can draw a straight line.
- NOW I see why. I so appreciate this little gem!
Thank you! It's not too late for me to put it to great use- for them, for others, and yep! even for me. Thanks sincerely.
But setting that aside, 'pride' is not an appealing quality in anyone, and children should not be encouraged in it. Instead, encourage them in one of the virtues: honesty, industry, loyalty, generosity, etc. Tell them "That was so generous of you!" (not "I am proud of you" or "you should be proud of yourself.")
You must know that getting parents to change the way they use it may be easier than getting them to stop using it, besides, I don’t think the today’s “pride” is not exactly a reflection of Dante’s Seven Deadly Sins' pride, or vainglory.
I doubt parents are trying to teach their kids to pervert self love to a state of narcissism or hate of others. A bit of self-love is actually a good thing, and beats the bananas out of self-hate.
The current definition of pride, when parents apply it to kids, is “A healthy degree of self-respect.” Your list of virtues is wonderful and necessary, but can and should co-exist with being proud of your efforts, along with any positive benefits which result from them.
Respectfully,
Lawson Meadows
Haven't seen you in a while... what's up?
You are right about the tone of the "I'm proud of you" comment in that it sounds like approval according to "your" standards, needs, requirements, or expectations rather than those of your child. However, I do believe it is the parent’s job to set standards, expectations, and even requirement parameters for their children... structure is important. Parents need to be engaged on many levels: not too domineering, not to permissive, but just right... or was that for porridge? Well, even Little Red had parents.
I think it is hard to explain it because most people would rather believe they are right than actually be right… besides, we all know about the road to hell and good intentions.
Good to see you!
Lawson
You definitely make a good point about parents making standards. I agree that it is hard to explain...I admit that I find myself conflicted with the "I'm proud" statements. On the one hand, it can be a great boost for a child's self-esteem. I think it can just as easily be used in a negative light though, especially with over-achieving parents who are no longer proud of their child because their soccer team didn't win or didn't get an A on their physics exam. (A- being totally unacceptable.)
I realize my story is purely anecdotal and not representative of everyone. But I also feel this article is the perfect example of why people shouldn't automatically believe someone just because they have a Ph.D after their name.
It seems you turned out ok. But, you might consider the balancing effect of the two phrases. I am relatively sure few, including Ph.D.s, would actually say an occasional expression of pride in your children in any way is an issue, but the problem is with those who, in addition to other messages, teach their kids to seek approval and value from external sources alone. "I'm proud of you!" used exclusively, and especially with the intent of teaching "pride" is not the best, or even a moderately effective tool.
Also, this article, and most others, are not intended to be blindly followed, on the other hand, they should not be blithely dismissed either. :)
Lawson Meadows
If it works for you and your kids, then the level of simplicity or idealism is irrelavent, but on the other side of the issue are the parents who love unconditionally, yet smother their kids by complimenting and praising every move made, which is not really healthy. So it is great that you roll that way, but remember, most things tend "roll" downhill. :)
Lawson Meadows