Here we go again. The ancient trope about how women don't play well with other women is upon us again. This time, it is in the form of a book by lawyer Kelly Valen called The Twisted Sisterhood and it's all about the evil things we do to one another.
This isn't news. The novel would never have survived without girl-on-girls contests. Think Jane Austen. Gone with the Wind. Atonement.
I don't for one moment deny that women compete fiercely with other women. Until relatively recently, this was not unreasonable. Denied skills and opportunities to be financially independent, women had to get married; it was, quite literally, a matter of life and death for all but the wealthiest. It's important to remember that competitive behavior, in this context, was primal, a matter of survival.
Of course once we got the opportunities for financial independence, the game changed -- and I'll readily acknowledge behaviors were slow to catch up. I speak almost every week on the subject of women and business, and at every conference there's always one woman who asks why her worst, least supportive boss was female. And I can say exactly the same thing.
But here's the thing. While absolutely acknowledging that this horrible stuff goes on, it is perhaps more useful to emphasize how swiftly the legacy of two thousand years has faded. Everywhere I go, I see women's networks: women helping women, overtly and explicitly. Everywhere I speak, it's in support of female mentoring schemes. None of these was available when I started my career.
The news, for me, is how quickly women have figured out the strength and power they have together. That's why groups like NEW, WPO, PWN, 85 Broads and a gazillion professional women's networks have developed so fast. We've got it! We know we're better together than separately. We can read the numbers and see that the odds are stacked against us, and we've seen that we're better off with friends. And, like Madeleine Albright, we all reserve a circle in hell for those 19th century relics who still think women hurting women is cool.
I am singing right along with this choir! After a few years of working together, my business
partner, Maggie Chotas and I wondered if other women were getting as much professional
success and personal sanity as we were from working together. After talking with close
to 100 women partners and job sharers across the US and beyond, we can say, with
confidence, that they are. From partnership, women are getting the energy, motivation,
support and shared accountability to achieve big things -- from writing and performing
Grammy winning songs to publishing best-selling books to running major corporations.
Stories about ugly, nasty women's relationships are old and sad; the reality is that
when women are willing to do the communicating, trusting and support it takes
to make collaboration work, the results are exponential!
I welcome the chance to continue this conversation with you and
appreciate all you've done as a writer and champion for women.
All the best,
Betsy Polk Joseph
I've had the privilege to speak for Ladies Who Launch, Springboard Enterprises, NAWBO, Invent Your Future and WPO - and they all offer tangible programs that empower women entrepreneurs and executives to scale their positive influence, global impact and income.
Some people may like to read about conflict - but the truth is, far more women are interested in collaborating and catapulting each others' success.
Sam Horn
The Intrigue Expert and author of POP!, Tongue Fu! and What's Holding You Back?
After having a conversation with my boss about our business needing to be more family and female friendly, she agreed and took a chunk of time off to have her first child. When she came back from her maternity leave, she was over budget and blamed me and another woman for her budgetary issues. There are only a handful of women on the over 200 person crew.
Amazing.
So, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
Luckily, I have a huge female support network to help me during this time of job search.
In all fairness to me and to the thousands of women who contributed to my book, I am wondering if you have read it? It sounds rather like you are criticizing the mere fact that I wrote a book without knowing its contents?
Rest assured that I do discuss the wonderful support that goes on among women, as well as the evolutionary and patriarchal components underlying our darker behaviors. The book is, absolutely, a pro-woman work that underscores how collaborative and wonderful we can be. It's simply an effort to raise awareness and remind ourselves that curbing the nonsense isn't such a bad idea. Women shouldn't be afraid to hold up the mirror along with the bullhorn - please see my HuffPost piece on this. I understand that writing about issues of gender can be inherently emotional and delicate - it stirs passions in us all. And I can't control how the media spins the book and slaps inflammatory, exploitative "mean girl," "frenemy," or "catfight" labels on these issues. But I do feel some semblance of a responsibility to point out that many women have different experiences and levels of sensitivity and resilience. Those complexities and differences should be validated or at least respected - not denied and denigrated. You sound like a thoughtful gal with a good, solid mind. I would love to hear your feedback after you've read the book with an open mind.
I wish you a lovely day,
Kelly Valen
I have read your book which, as you rightly say, has much in it that's supportive of women. And I agree that it is very important to squelch mean girl behavior, especially in our daughters. I just wish we could move on from this debate. It seems to me that we just keep going round in circles. I sat in a debate in London the other night about biology vs behavior and felt the same thing. This isn't inspiring for young women (or older ones for that matter.) I no longer see our terrific ability to focus on, and talk widely about, our weaknesses as a great strength. We are not the problem.
On topic:
During my career I've experienced more women supporting women vs. not. I think when women are supportive of each other (or men, or children) we get less notice because it's expected, the norm. When we 'cat fight' or 'queen bee' it, we get lots of attention because it's not the way we are supposed to be. Several weeks ago Forbes Woman ran a piece about famous women and their "nemeses." Oprah and Martha Stewart were among the examples. I found it offensive that a publication aimed at supporting women would put forward the idea that we are not supposed to compete and then make a spectacle of it when we do. Men who compete are not each other's nemeses. They are competitors. It should be the same for women as well.
Women do support women. You've provided several examples and here are two more. I am participating with a small group of women who to develop a cross organizational global platform dedicated to mentoring and sponsoring women into power positions. While more localized, The Boston Group is another favorite - committed to getting more women on boards.
Dr. Anne Perschel, President
Germane Consulting
Your point about women having 'nemeses' and men just having competitors is wonderful, not something I'd thought of before. Do you think women's competitiveness is viewed more negatively than men's?
Answer to your last question: Yes. Women competing with other women (and with men) are viewed differently than men.
Would love to have a conversation that includes several of the topics raised here and your insights on our platform to raise women to power roles in business. Would you accept an invitation? I'm following you on twitter. If you follow me back @bizshrink I will send an invitation.
Thanks much