We all learned many ways of avoiding our pain when we were growing up because we could not handle feeling it when we were little. Now, as adults, most people continue to protect in the ways they learned, not knowing that they are now capable of managing their pain and moving back into their joy.
There are two kinds of painful feelings:
- The core painful feelings -- loneliness, heartbreak, sadness, grief, sorrow and helplessness over others -- comes from events or others' unloving or disconnected behavior toward themselves or us.
We all desire to be connected with those important to us, and we naturally feel core painful feelings when important others disconnect from us with their protections -- their anger, blame, withdrawal and so on.
In many relationships this becomes a protective circle, each person's protections triggering the others' core pain, and each person protecting against feeling their core pain with their protections, which guarantees that you will remain disconnected -- the very thing you are trying to protect against.
How Do You Protect Against Feeling Your Core Pain?
- I judge myself, preferring to feel shame and inadequacy rather than loneliness, grief, sadness, heartbreak and powerlessness over others.
How Do You Feel When You Protect Against Your Core Pain?
- I feel bad about myself -- inadequate -- like there is always something wrong with me.
Is it worth it to protect against your loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, grief, sadness, sorrow or helplessness over others?
The truth is that the above wounded feelings of anger, anxiety, depression, guilt and shame go on and on. But when you compassionately embrace your painful core feelings with gentleness and tenderness toward yourself they move through you, so you can again experience your joy, aliveness, passion for life and connection with loved ones.
It takes courage to be willing to feel your core painful feelings of life and to learn how to lovingly manage them, rather than protect against them with your various addictions and controlling behaviors. If you want your life to be filled with love, joy and passion, then find that place of courage within you. Learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process will give you the ability to manage your pain, rather than continue to avoid it in ways that create more pain.
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