Marty tells me in a phone session, "Susan is always criticizing me. How do I get her to stop?"
Fiona tells me in a Skype session, "Jeff is often withdrawn. I feel so angry about this."
It's always easy to see what your partner is doing that you don't like, but it's generally very challenging to see your end of a dysfunctional relationship system. However, your end of the system is equal to your partner's end, as we attract people at our common level of woundedness or our common level of health -- our common level of self-abandonment or our common level of self-care.
What Does This Mean?
This means that the degree to which you emotionally abandon yourself -- by judging yourself, ignoring your feelings, turning to addictions, and/or making others responsible for your feelings -- is the same degree to which your partner is emotionally abandoning himself or herself.
The minute Marty tells me about Susan criticizing him, I know that Marty is likely criticizing himself and may also be giving himself up to her to try to have control over getting her approval. Each is controlling in their own way, but Marty is aware only of how Susan is trying to control him.
When Fiona tells me about Jeff's withdrawal, she is also telling me about her anger -- two sides of their dysfunctional relationship system.
The problem is that Marty and Susan and Fiona and Jeff all got together wanting to get love, rather than knowing how to love themselves and share their love.
Do you really want to continue to do this in your life?
Attracting at Your Common Level of Emotional Health
Attracting at your common level of emotional health means that you have done the inner work necessary to heal your feelings of shame and insecurity. It means that you know how to fill yourself with love and share your love with others. It means that you have stopped abandoning yourself and have learned how to love yourself, which means that you take responsibility for your feelings, rather than avoiding your feelings or making another responsible for them.
When you learn to value yourself and take responsibility for your feelings, you are no longer attracted to someone who emotionally abandons themselves. You are drawn to people who also value themselves and want to share love rather than get love. So you will no longer end up with someone who blames, withdraws, judges or sees themself as a victim. You will just not find this person attractive, as they are not at your common level of emotional health.
The Frequency of Attraction
The law of attraction states that "like attracts like." This means that people with a low frequency -- people who are insecure and self-abandoning -- attract each other, while people with a high frequency -- people who love and value themselves -- also attract each other. People who are positive, open, secure, giving, caring and kind to themselves and others are not attracted to people who are closed, negative and needy of approval and attention.
While no one deliberately seeks out someone who is closed, negative and needy, if this is you, this is what you will attract into your life. If you want a loving relationship, then you need to do the work of learning how to take emotional responsibility. This means:
If you are seeking a relationship, why not start today learning how to love yourself rather than continue to abandon yourself? If you are a in a relationship that is having problems, the most important thing you can do to help the relationship is learn how to love yourself rather than continue to abandon yourself.
To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" - the first two weeks are free!
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Being open to our own faults, strengths and complexities is often very difficult. Being ready and able to "do our own work" is even harder still! One intervention I believe is (mostly) universally appropriate is to give back by volunteering and giving of our effort to others. By using our time and talents to make the world better for others, we begin to build external markers of self-worth which can scaffold other self-work.
Good article, worth mentioning though is that once we do our own work, that can very often destabilize maladaptive relationships (which of course you know) and so people should be prepared for sweeping changes in their lives! *Change is not always bad though -- sometimes relationships get a lot better.*
Good read. Thanks for writing it.
Karen Swanay
Sometimes, two people are simply attracted to one another so that they can benefit one another in various ways.
Some people benefit by giving, and some by receiving. If the relationship doesn't work out in the long run, so be it.
I agree with the above statement. However, people who are closed, negative and needy of approval and attention often prey on those individuals who are positive, open......
"If you are seeking a relationship, why not start today learning how to love yourself rather than continue to abandon yourself?"
So, if you are not in a relationship, you have abandoned yourself? Nonsense.
Why all this focusing on self by therapy and therapists? Maybe that is the the problem. It fosters this me me me attitude. JMO.
All of us can benefit by learning to be more loving to ourselves and to others. Learning to love yourself has the opposite effect of being self-centered. When we learn to fill ourselves with love, we have lots of love to share with others. Since I hear a lot of judgment coming from you, you might want to tune into whether you are judging yourself, as judgment of others is often a projection of self-judgment. Self-judgment is a common form of self-abandonment.
I am not asserting that it isn't important to have a positive and healthy self image. This is critical. What is really critical is our capacity to give, to be empathetic, to share, and to be understanding of others.
I have not walked in the shoes of the other person. So, whom am I to judge? I am a non-judgmental person when dealing with others. Even if I don't share or agree with that person, it does not stop me from giving and/or being empathetic. If I were really judgmental, I would not even consider engaging that person.
"Self-judgment is a common form of self-abandonment.”
I disagree. It's like saying self criticism is a form of self-abandonment. We improve as human being when we are able to be honest (and critical) of ourselves. Introspection and self evaluation are paramount.
There is so much emphasis these days on "loving oneself." I laugh because when some Hollywood star goes awry, it is because he or she just "did not love himself or herself enough."
So, we have to agree to disagree.
Though your reply is not without some merit, I have to pull this out. The reason for focus on the self is because that's the ONLY person you can change. If you are in a good relationship with an amazing person and YOU are the problem, stop being the problem. If you are in a relationship with a needy, negative, and closed person...DUMP them.
YOU can only change you...so therapy *must* focus on the self because if not...where else are we to take it?
Karen Swanay
My concern is we have become an increasingly narcissistic society. I attribute this, in part, to all of this focus on self: me, myself and I. It's me me me.
I just find it incredulous that a world class, rich and very married golfer who decides to sleep with a bunch of other women did so because he was suffering from self- abandonment.
When you're always focusing on yourself, you also have a tendency to neglect others.
I wrote a short article around Valentine's Day about this.
http://peacemakerparent.com/blog/2012/attraction/
I would love your feedback.
I think the key to improving oneself is to honestly evaluate your inner most self. I see little value in looking around to look in.
Rhona Berens, PhD, CPCC (www.parentalliance.com)
I only disagree to the extent that a relationship is formed with a borderline or narcissist partner. These partners very effectively "mirror behavior" -- so a relationship can be formed under a false assessment of the borderline or narcissistic partner. Nevertheless, the relationship soon is over unless the other partner accommodates the behavior of the other.