Sex means different things to different people, and what it means to you might be having a big effect on your relationship.
I've been counseling individuals and couples for many years. More than half the time, when couples are having problems or the relationship is dissolving, sex is one of the major issues. There are a number of common scenarios:
There are other scenarios, but these are the most common that I've encountered regarding sexual problems within the relationship. Sometimes, some of these issues have led to sexual or emotional affairs, and sometimes affairs are an underlying cause of some of these problems.
Invariably, as I've explored with one or both partners, I've discovered that the main underlying cause of many of these scenarios has to do with WHY one of the partners wants to have sex.
There are two basic reasons that people want to have sex:
Sex to Get Something
If you are in a relationship where you want sex and your partner doesn't, think for a moment about WHY you want or need to have sex. See if you relate to any of these.
I need to have sex to:
When you approach your partner from a place of wanting to get something, you are coming from a needy state. Your neediness is likely not attractive to your partner, nor erotic for your partner. Your neediness may result in your partner feeling used rather than aroused.
Sex to Share Love, Passion, Warmth and Connection
Wanting sex to share love comes from a completely different place inside than sex to get something. In order to have love and connection to share, you have to already be connected with yourself and feel filled with love. You cannot share something that you don't already have.
You cannot share love and connection when you feel unhappy, empty, inadequate, unlovable, disconnected from yourself, stressed or agitated, angry or needing to feel in control of your partner.
If you and your partner are having sexual problems, you each may want to examine the system between you. These systems might be apparent within the sexual relationship, or they may be operating in others areas and are affecting the sexual relationship.
Is there a control-resist system, with one person demanding, blaming and angry and the other resisting? Is there a control-compliance system, with one person demanding and the other complying? Is there a compliance-compliance system, where each person is giving themselves up to avoid rejection? This system often leads to a lack of aliveness in the relationship. Is there a control-control system, where both people are angry, demanding or blaming of each other? Any of these systems may be bypassing the true sharing of love and joy that sexuality between loving, caring partners offers.
The way out is to learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings of worth, safety and lovability, and for filling yourself up with love from a spiritual source. Learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process is a powerful way to learn to love yourself, so that you can share your love with your partner in mutually satisfying ways.
To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" - the first two weeks are free!
Connect with Margaret on Facebook.
For more by Margaret Paul, Ph.D., click here.
For more on relationships, click here.
Follow Margaret Paul, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/innerbonding
I know.
and no matter what suffering it caused me ?
I'd do it all
again.
Erica House, M.A.
http://www.EricaDHouse.com
Being dominant and in control
Her aesthetics, her smell, her touch
The way she moves, the way she sounds
Satisfaction of satisfying
And for some weird reason...I don't know if it's some weird biological drive, but I keep having this strong urge to not wrap it up...like I just want to fill her up...weird, since I know that would be the end of my sovereignty , and beginning of financial slavery. I mean...I do want children, but the laws are too hostile towards men to ever make that mistake.
Don't think I've ever been in love, so I can't vouch for that...
Since I've become a Christian and I am now studying the Bible on how I should feel about sex, and the Bible makes me feel much more confident about having a healthy and enjoyable sex life in marriage.
Whether you believe sex is okay before marriage, or you believe sex should be for marriage, but have sex anyway I do not know. Thats something you'll have to study for yourself just as I did.
I've made it my personal business to understand different styles of sensuality, regarding tantra, kama sutra, g-spot massages and the like, and I can say honestly that a woman appreciates it when she feels like her opinion counts, like a gentleman is listening to her and doesn't just want her for sex.
I've learned that the secret to a woman's heart is through her mind. Stimulate her mind in the RIGHT way, not the h0rny way, and the rest will follow. I don't claim to be some Don Juan, but the more you take the initiative to LEARN about what pleases a woman sexually and sensually, the more you enable a woman to open up to you in all facets of a relationship. Ultimately, that's what we want. A woman that we can love and treasure unconditionally. But you have to LISTEN and LEARN first!!
Then and only then will you see, as I do, that making love to a woman is about connection. Beyond the physical. A deep soul connection. That is the ultimate in a lovemaking experience. Plenty of guys are a 2-pump chump, then roll off the girl like he's Superman. We have to distinguish ourselves to women as different if we're ever going to gain her full love and respect.
After years of people in relationships 'getting' theirs during sex, it's no surprise that one day, as you said, they come home and the other person is gone. Ostensibly forever. Because they were not 'giving'. I, for one, believe that in giving a woman as much pleasure BEFORE lovemaking (i.e. orgasms via the massages I mentioned earlier), I gain pleasure in knowing that I was able to give her more than she's been accustomed to. In short, I'm happy knowing that I could make someone else happy. But of course that comes from a selfless mindset, and in general, lots of people in bed are selfish.
While it is refreshing to read the mindful ideas on sexual relations expressed in this piece, I fear that Ms. Paul may be echo locating the once majestic voice of an endangered species:
love makers...