How I Stopped Judging Myself

Many years ago, I became aware of feeling anxious much of the time. Since this feeling had been with me as long as I could remember, it had seemed normal -- until it stopped being okay with me. It stopped being okay when I went back to school to become a psychotherapist. I realized then that, normal or not, I didn't want to continue to live my life with this anxiety.

However, I had felt this way for so long that I had no idea why I was anxious. So every time I was aware of the anxiety -- which happened most often when I was around people -- I started to notice my thoughts and actions.

The first thing I noticed was how much I was judging myself around others. I was constantly putting pressure on myself to say the right thing and do the right thing. Why? I believed that if I said and did the right things, I could have control over getting others' approval.

Aha! I soon realized that I was totally addicted to getting approval. But why? Why did I constantly seek approval? What was going on here?

As I became more and more aware of how often and how harshly I judged myself, I finally made the connection: Disapproving of myself led to needing others' approval. As long as I was treating myself so badly -- not only by judging myself, but also by giving myself up to please others and by not attending at all to my own feelings and needs -- I desperately needed others' approval to feel that I was okay.

This was a huge awareness for me. I realized that I wasn't approval-dependent because there was something flawed and defective about me, but because I was treating myself so abusively. This was something I could do something about! I finally realized that, while I could not control how others felt about me and treated me -- even if I was "perfect" -- I could control how I felt about myself and treated myself.

For a solid year, I noticed my self-judgments -- without judging myself for judging myself. I just noticed, with interest and curiosity. I also noticed how anxious it made me feel. I came to the conclusion that if I did everything "right" to impress people, maybe half the people would like me and half wouldn't. And if I did nothing to impress them and was just myself, maybe half the people would like me and half wouldn't. So why bother working so hard to gain their approval?

Each time I noticed, I would "change channels" and shift my thinking into something truer and more positive. After about a year, something very magical happened: I stopped judging myself. It was as if the part of me who was doing the judging -- my ego-wounded self -- just gave up this addiction. It was clear that it wasn't working to control how others felt about me, nor was it protecting me from painful feelings. In fact, it was causing much of my pain.

Not only did I stop judging myself, but I also stopped needing others' approval. Because I was now valuing myself instead of judging myself, the actual need for others' approval went away. In fact, I even stopped noticing whether or not others were approving of me. I stopped even thinking about it! And, of course, all the anxiety that I had carried for so long about how others felt about me melted away. What a relief.

 

 

 

Follow Margaret Paul, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/innerbonding

Comments

[patriciagozlan]

08:37 AM on 09/30/2011

We often have this gremlin's voice inside our head telling us we are not enough or reminding us of the voice, teachings beliefs of our parents;)
Like a devils voice that although is inside us is sometimes shouting at us...
By accepting it and seing what is really the positive intetion of our inner voice we learn to let go, accept and love ourselves and all our parts as we are.
Inner peace takes time , courage, love for oursleves and .. training to learn to listen.

[Margaret Paul]

12:39 PM on 09/30/2011

Thanks for your helpful comment!

[Margaret Paul]

11:14 PM on 09/30/2011

Thanks for your comment. It is so true that inner peace takes time and courage - time and courage to learn to love ourselves and listen to ourselves, rather than continue to abandon ourselves.

[marlaannchristenson]

01:00 AM on 09/28/2011

Thank you for such a wonderful article. I often hear the "tapes" of others in my head, and know I should work at countering them. Again, great article, with solid cognitive behavioral tasks.

[Margaret Paul]

05:08 PM on 09/28/2011

Thanks for your kind comment Marla!

[Margaret Paul]

09:03 PM on 09/29/2011

Thanks so much for your kind comment.

[cougfan206]

05:57 PM on 09/27/2011

Seems to me like you are trading one false idol for another. First you have an unhealthy obcession with what other people think/feel about you, fear of man. Second, you go inward for self fulfillment, self worship. The only way to be fulfilled is through relationship and identity in Jesus Christ. Once you are able to live out of the freedom that comes with having a Christ-centered identity you can love others and care for others in a way that is self-less.

[Margaret Paul]

05:07 PM on 09/28/2011

Turning to a spiritual source of love and truth is essential for loving yourself and others.

[Margaret Paul]

09:04 PM on 09/29/2011

I agree that we need to be connected with a spiritual source of love and truth to love ourselves and others.

[mochachild04]

12:09 PM on 09/27/2011

This article is spot on for me. Yesterday, I was journaling and realized that I had been an emotional dumping ground for a family member. I had taken all the negative and mean things that this person said about me and internalized them. As a result, it didn't matter what people said that was good because I kept hearing the negative things that this family member said. In that moment, I realized that I have been living outside in. I've been internalizing things that are outside..things such as the type of car I drive, the sorority I am apart of. I've been allowing some of those things to have a say in the definition of me. Yesterday, I decided that the me I am right now is who I am. I am imperfect and flawed but I am also a good, loving, strong person. And there is nothing wrong with me. Yesterday, I took out the trash and dumped the trash can too!

[Margaret Paul]

05:06 PM on 09/28/2011

I hope you realize what wonderful work you just did. Knowing that you are a good, loving, strong person is incredibly important, as it leads to treating yourself well and not taking in others' unloving judgments. Kudos to you!

[Tamara Hodges Shafer]

11:01 AM on 09/27/2011

This is exactly how I learned to judge myself much less often. Now if I am acting in a way that isn't working for me, I catch myself and observe. No more judgment. Also, I no longer project my judgments on others.

[Margaret Paul]

05:03 PM on 09/28/2011

Wonderful Tamara!

[clarebear85]

10:54 AM on 09/27/2011

Thank you for this article. I also went through something similar to this. After coming out of a emotionally abusive relationship I had panic attacks and low self esteem. Those years were such a blur - I was really just going through the motions. When I realised how negative the internal voice I spoke to myself had become, I began to understand and eventually change what I said to myself. Strangely it was the acknowledgement that I wasn't the centre of the universe and that I was just one in billions of human beings that enabled me to give myself permission to speak kindly to myself. I felt like a little ant. How stupid for a little ant to be so judgemental of itself! I also started to realise that people are much more concerned with themselves and how they look to be judging every little thing about you. I was my harshest critic. I stopped the negative voice inside and started giving myself credit for small things that I never would have done before. I am so much happier now. Must also give credit to my boyfriend who is so positive and carefree, I was able to model my thought processes on his.

[Margaret Paul]

05:03 PM on 09/28/2011

Thanks for sharing this. It is eye-opening to realize that most people are too concerned with themselves to be concerned with judging others. When we judge ourselves, we project those judgments onto others, but when we stop judging ourselves, suddenly others seem so much more accepting!

[hippynanainblingland]

10:25 AM on 09/26/2011

For me, too, this wisdom comes at a crucial time, when I'm trying, yet again, to fend off the self-loathing generated by my sister's vitriol, which I've more or less successfully evaded for decades at a time now. I want to not care, but how does one ignore a slandering machine? Especially when one has exiled oneself from the producer(s) of slander in an effort to avoid having one's one verrrry sore buttons pushed, and the vitriol finds you and follows? All to no avail?

I will give your way a try... nothing to lose but time traded from writing my own vitriol back, years worth of Resentments, years worth of my own Wisdoms and Truths... and I'll have to quit smoking tobacco again, to boot! I had it licked for two and a half years! Started again on my 68th birthday, a day after receiving a letter from Her declaring me 'an evil person' not once, not twice, but three times in one page, wow! My inner masochist couldn't resist, and tobacco once more entered my life as a weapon of choice against myself, so now, I'm having to quit again, yay! lovin' it! Not!

[Margaret Paul]

11:03 AM on 09/26/2011

Rather than striving to not care, it is far more healing to lovingly embrace the heartbreak, helplessness, and loneliness of being treated so badly. Try holding your hurting heart with compassion and kindness toward yourself rather than turning to an addictions, resentment or self-loathing to avoid these painful feelings. The Inner Bonding process we teach will be a big help to you in learning to manage rather than avoid painful feelings. Blessings to you on your healing journey.

[Maverickpower]

09:45 AM on 09/26/2011

It is also called stalking our emotional body . Very empowering, The emotional warrior . Still slipping into the trap of abusing myself no and again, like my MOther, to worry about what you wear , admitting you have a learning disability . All this at 44 ? No one can make you feel , only yourself , bravo to you good lady for getting it on !!!!!!

[Margaret Paul]

10:58 AM on 09/26/2011

Thanks for your kind words!

[The Violet Pimpernel]

04:15 AM on 09/26/2011

Hi Margaret,
Like so many other people on here, it feels like you are telling "my" story. I'm anxious all the time about everything, and for such a long time had no idea why. My parents were hypercritical and were quick to jump on any little mistake that I made. My mother also suffered from chronic anxiety and depression and had a mini-breakdown any time something didn't go according to plan. I grew up believing that mistakes were bad and must be avoided at any cost.
I've recently come to the conclusion that I've spent my entire life trying to be "obedient" and not do anything wrong, to the extent that I'm now tied up in knots and find it really difficult to unwind. I get headaches which I'm sure must be related to tension, as they seem to get worse when I'm feeling anxious. Your advice to "just notice" your feelings of self judgment with interest and curiosity sounds like it could really work and I'm excited to start trying it.

Thanks for the article!

[Margaret Paul]

08:56 AM on 09/26/2011

Thanks for sharing a bit of your journey here. You might want to try our free eCourse at http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome. Practicing Inner Bonding is a powerful way to learn to be loving to yourself, which is what heals the anxiety.

[mose joseph workman]

10:02 PM on 09/25/2011

stopped judging yourself, did you? fine. we'll keep right on doing it for you. so far, i give you a 70.

[bud14]

12:33 AM on 09/26/2011

Must be sad to be you. She's done an insightful, introspective, brave thing. Self awareness. Might want to try it sometime.

[Margaret Paul]

08:53 AM on 09/26/2011

Bud, thanks for your support. If he is judging me this harshly, just imagine how harshly he is judging himself. I agree that it must be sad to be him.

[rackerly]

09:03 PM on 09/25/2011

i am interested in the ounce of prevention: creating school cultures where it is OK just to be your own imperfect, authentic self.

[Margaret Paul]

08:51 AM on 09/26/2011

Rackerly, we have created a computer program, called SelfQuest, which we hope to put into high schools as the 'ounce of prevention.' It's a powerful program that has been 13 years in development.

[Maverickpower]

09:49 AM on 09/26/2011

Yes , very much needed , more so during the "domestication " process, when kids are little and more prone to blunt peer pressure. THe one thing my girls are not afraid to be themselves.
Said something to my 10 year old about her clothes and she said " Idon't care what anyone else thinks " They both went to Waldorf and various public schools , they know what's happening !

[Margaret Paul]

10:57 AM on 09/26/2011

Kudos to you for raising girls who don't care what others think and for sending them to Waldorf! My daughter is homeschooling my grandsons due to the major problems present in the public schools.

The more parents do their own inner work and move beyond their own self-judgment, the healthier their children will be.

[Noni Unobagha]

08:36 PM on 09/25/2011

YOU GO GIRL!!!

[Margaret Paul]

08:49 AM on 09/26/2011

Thanks!

[TEC1]

07:41 PM on 09/25/2011

Hi Margaret, just read your blog for the first time, found it by chance but glad I did. I think sometimes my whole persona has been shaped by trying to please others or find acceptance by people who I shouldn't even care about. It's such a drain mentally and physically. I think your technique is interesting and worth a try. Thanks for sharing this valuable advice.

[Margaret Paul]

08:48 AM on 09/26/2011

Hi Tec1,
I'm pleased that you find this helpful. I hope you take our free eCourse at http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome and begin to learning the Inner Bonding process.

[RaedKuwait]

07:16 PM on 09/25/2011

That's why your mission of inner bonding is so important. Nothing painful than being disconnected from ourselves. Thanks for sharing Margaret.

[Margaret Paul]

08:47 AM on 09/26/2011

Raed, thanks for your kind comment. I agree that nothing is more painful that being disconnected from ourselves and from our Source of love.

[lvmamma]

05:39 PM on 09/25/2011

I can totally relate to this article. I spent most of my 20's trying to go along and please others, and most of the time ended up unhappy. I try and be nice and compassionate with others, but I truly dont care what others think of me anymore. I know I am a decent person and not everyone is going to like me. On the flip side, I do feel like I meet many unkind and judgemental people...sometimes it is disheartening that we cant just accept others, differences and all.

[Margaret Paul]

06:47 PM on 09/25/2011

I agree - it is sad that there are so many unkind and judgmental people who operate primarily from an intent to control rather than to love. From my point of view, I see unkind and judgmental people as people who are also unkind and judgmental with themselves, and I feel sad for them that they are so self-abandoning. While I choose not to spend much time with unkind people, it helps me to have compassion for them to understand that they don't know how to love themselves, so they don't know how to be loving with others. Congratulations on reaching a point in your life where you have let go of controlling through pleasing and now value yourself.