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Anticipatory Anxiety Sucks

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To my unpleasant surprise, I was told that I have to interview to substitute teach in the school district I've been working for the past five years. I have worked as a special services assistant, summer school teacher, and substitute in the past, so the whole thing seems ridiculously silly to me. I know it's just part of the bureaucratic bullsh*t and red tape that I am in the process of escaping, but nonetheless, the idea of an interview makes me want to throw up. Allow me to divulge the reasons...

1) I haven't had to interview in a while. I think I have forgotten how to.

2) In the past, when I had interviewed for positions, I actually cared about the job. Now, I'm interviewing for a position I only want to do part-time and only as a necessity/last resort in order to procure some extra income.

3) I have become much too honest. Since fully deciding to pursue my writing career, I have ripped off all masks and have become even more raw and open; I realize many of you didn't think this was possible. No filter exists between my mind and my mouth. I'm not so sure that will prove in my favor during an interview.

4) I no longer blog anonymously. I divulge my name publicly. If they wanted to, human resources could easily find my writing on the Internet. Much of my writing, like this piece, uses colorful language that may not be seen as suitable for working in the district. Quite frankly, I think my use of swear words is refreshing and my honesty educational in itself. If the school district has a problem with that, I'm not sure how I will contain my wrath.

5) Last but not least, interviewing simply sucks balls.

As Pippin says in Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, "I don't want to be in a battle, but waiting on the edge of one I can't escape is even worse." I realize an interview is nothing like being in a war zone, so don't get your panties in a twist, but I do believe his quote is completely analogous to the anticipatory anxiety involved in interviewing. I do not want to sit down for a formal interview; I'm basically kicking and screaming tantrum-like in my mind. The whole process is so not my style -- the fake niceties, the pretending to care, the forced smiles. Yet, waiting for it the next few days may actually be worse than the interview itself. Now I have time just to think and stew about it. Even though I attempt to throw it out of my mind, distract myself from dwelling on it, it's still there just lingering in the dark corners of my mind feeding on my subconscious. This parasitic relationship makes me wonder if this interview is even worth it. The past several months, I've been pulling away from this kind of environment and the rules of others. Honestly, I thought I was done with this sh*t already.

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